1. Don't like my sarcasm? Well, I don't like your stupid.
2. Teacher: Why can I hear talking? Student: Because you have ears.
3. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was pretty, I would have exactly 1 dollar. Thanks mom!
4. Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family. Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family.
5. The more you care, the more your heart breaks when its over.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
8. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
9. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
11. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
13. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
15. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
16. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
18. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
19. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
20. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
21. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
23. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
24. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
25. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
26. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
27. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
YOU ARE READING
Quotes and Some of my thoughts :)
HumorBehind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. I will update this book everyday.. Feel free to give suggestions :)
