Military Love

Chapter 14- The Ugly Truth

I was listening to the song, "Sleep Well, My Angel" by We are the Fallen, it was Derek's and my song, naturally. 

I hadn't listened to it in a few months when before, it was constantly on repeat.

And then it hit me, I had to tell Jerry how I felt. I had to tell him. And not just because I didn't want to hurt him, but because I really did care for him. That's it, I was going to do it. And now, before I talked myself out of it.

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I ran out of my apartment with skinny jeans on, a white quarter length sleeve shirt and my hair in a pony tail. I was not looking as fabulous as I wished, but at the moment I really didn't care.

I walked past the Cheescake Factory and crossed the busy street. I had no idea how I was going to start this conversation. I had no idea how I was going to do this. But I was going to do it. Yes, I was going to do this. And I don't even know what to say.

When I got to his apartment door, I kind of stared at the mahogeny color for a minute. I took a breath and knocked. In a few seconds I heard footsteps come closer to the door and then I heard the door handle twist open. For a split second, I actually thought about running.

He looked up at me, his face smiling at me, before he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, before he welcomed me inside for a drink, before he said I looked great, before he said he was thinking about me today. My thoughts raising, my ears ringing, and then my mouth opened.

"Jerry, I have to confess something." Shit. I was done for. I couldn't do this now, but I had to.

He tugged at the neck of his shirt, "Uh, what's it about? Don't worry, you should know by now that you can tell me anything." He asked as he took a sip of his drink.

I sighed, "I... I..." I couldn't say it, the words weren't coming out. It was so hard. I didn't even know what I wanted to say, "I think that we shouldn't be... you know..." I stopped and took a small breath.

"Be a what?" His voice was shattered, already knowing what I was going to say.

I was breathing heavy, I didn't want to do this! 

"Be a what, Lex?!" His voice raised a little bit.

Intensity filled my chest as my rib cage felt as though it was being rattled by my heart.

I was breathing heavier now, I then completely broke down. 

"I can't... I can't, Jerry." I cried as I put my face in my hands. I didn't want him to see me like this, again. I felt pathetic. 

"Why Alexa?! Why? Is it because of Derek? Is that the only person you are ever going to love?" He yelled.

I looked up at him, shocked. That stung. But it was true.

"Jerry, it's just so hard, I-" I started as I yelled back.

"No, Alexa, No. You have no fucking clue about something being hard. I loved you throughout the entire time you and my brother were going out. Throughout the times where he and I stayed up late and he talked about you. Through the time that he talked about the Marines because of you. And how he wanted to make a better life for both of you, but together. Through the time that he said he was going to ask you to marry you. Through the time after you said yes. He wasn't just part of you! I lived with him. He was my blood! He was my brother! I miss him too, I always will. But at one point, we all have to move on. I lived through it all. I loved you through it all. I love you because of it all. No, Alexa. You have no idea about something being hard." He yelled at me, pointing his finger.

I breathed.

"I want to be someone's Derek. I want someone to love me as much as you loved him. I want you to love me more then you ever loved him." I looked away, "But that's not going to be possible for you, is it?" He asked, calming down a bit.

I couldn't answer. I am usually the type of person to completely fight back, no matter what. I was utterly speechless. I couldn't do anything but look away, and slowly walk away, walk through the door, shut it, and keep on walking farther and farther away...