Gerard finds me on the floor, curled into a ball, my chest trying to force out the air that my lungs take in fast. I’m not okay and he can tell. The house isn’t empty anymore because Gerard is here, but it still feels empty. It still feels like there’s no life here, no dreams, and no hope. My kids hate me, they see no hope in my as a father, and really, I don’t see it either. But Gerard still sees something in me that he’s willing to hold onto, and I’m so close to begging him to hold on to it and never let go. I just need someone to tell me I’m worth something.
“Frank? What the hell happened?” Gerard asks as he helps me stand up. My legs shake a little and I feel a little light headed, but I manage to stay up. I can’t tell him what happened; he’ll really think I’m crazy. He’d never trust me with Bandit again. Gerard looks at me with pity, and it makes me feel even worse. I don’t need pity, pity is so useless.
“Nothing you should worry about, I’m probably just exhausted or something,” I lie easily, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hands. “Did you get the stuff?”
By the look on Gerard’s face, I can tell he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t push it. He looks down at his hand and shakes the white paper bag. I don’t know if he’s going to give me them all, and honestly, I don’t know if he’s sure what to do with them. I don’t think he trusts me yet. “You should take two tonight and leave the rest in your bathroom.” He hands me the bag and I nod. “You’ll start to feel sleepy soon, so just go straight to your room when you’re done. I don’t want you to pass out in the bathroom or something. I’ll finish painting the room, so don’t worry about it.”
I walk to the bathroom and lock the door. I’m not going back to my room, I’d rather sleep in here. There are no memories here, or none that would keep me awake at night. There’s a glass in here, and I fill it with cold tap water. When the box of pills falls into my hand I read the back out of curiosity.
“This product can cause severe allergic reaction, facial swelling, memory lapses, hallucinations, suicidal thoughts or actions, and complex sleep-related behaviour like sleep-walking, sleep-driving and sleep-eating. Do not use if you currently suffer from Depression or if you are allergic to any of the ingredients. If you experience any unusual sleep-related behaviour, consult your doctor immediately. Take two each day, one hour before sleep.”
I open the box and blindly stare at the round snow white pills. I place 2 on my hand and put the box in a small cupboard in front of me with a mirror on the front of this wooden box with shelves filled medicine and toothpaste. I grab the glass of water with my free hand. Is it really going to help? Another storm of thoughts occurs in my head. I can faintly hear music from the radio downstairs. My house is a prison-I think. No, my head is a prison. I lift my head up and glance in the mirror in front of me to see a reflection of someone I don't recognize. This person doesn't look familiar. This person looks dead, from the look in their eyes you can tell that everything they had was brutally taken away from them and left them empty. It's only a shell of a human now. I'm looking at a reflection of an empty shell.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
My body goes numb as I hear Cherry's voice. I release the grip on both of my hands and listen to the sound of the glass breaking on the floor. The tablets landed in the sink.
"Why don't you do something cool, Daddy! Entertain us! Oh wait, I forgot, you don't love us. You made mummy leave you. Doesn't it hurt being lonely?"
I fall to the ground just like a heavy stone slowly falls onto to bottom of the sea. Stones don't float and neither do shells. But shells break easier.
"It hurts...It hurts so much...Lilly, Cherry, Miles I love you..." I can feel the salty taste of tears that have landed on my lips.
"I think you know how to end the pain daddy. I'll tell you a story, like you used to tell us before we went to sleep, but this one will be better!"
