My eyes open wide as Gerard’s words sink in. My body suddenly feels numb and I can’t move. My lungs stop working and I almost choke on air. “Y-you... love me?” I ask, uncertain of the answer, and doubting he’ll repeat the statement. I don’t like it when people lie to me just to make me feel better. It does the opposite and makes me feel like they pity me.
“Of course I do, Frank! You’re my best friend,” Gerard shouts getting closer to my face. He’s kneeling down by the bed and piercing my soul with his stare. I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that, he’ll see how worthless I am.
“That’s not what I want,” I say so quietly I start to doubt that I even said them. But Gerard’s reaction proves I said them loud enough, unfortunately.
“Oh Frank,” He lets go of my hand and rubs the back of his neck. He sighs loudly and looks at me with pity. I’m so pathetic. What the fuck was I expecting - for my best friend to fall in love with me? Ha! That sounds so pathetic even in my own head. We had this talk before he married Lindsey - kissing on stage, sitting on each other’s laps during interviews and everything else didn’t mean anything. But it meant something to me. Gerard was so close to me back then. That was the time when we were best friends. Now it all feels so fake and forced. It feels like my life has been planned out for me; like somebody is just sitting writing a script for my life. It’s like it’s a goddamn movie which only has the purpose of entertaining others who laugh at my pitiful life. Fuck, I need a cigarette. I roll over on my bed to the bed stand and pull out a red box of Marlboro cigarettes with a lighter stuck in between the last 5 cigarettes in the paper box. I throw my head on the pillow on the other side of the bed so I’m further away from Gerard. I place the cancer stick in my mouth and light it. The sensation of burning tobacco calms me down.
“We went over this before I mean,” Gerard begins speaking but I focus on the smoke coming from my cigarette rather than Gerard’s words. “I have a wife and a kid, Frank. I have a family, and I know it’s hard for you right now, feeling as if you don’t have a family of your own but you do! You have me and bandit and-“
“Stop!” I can’t take it anymore. “Stop bullshitting me! I don’t have a family! Everything I had was taken away from me in the most brutal way!” I take a long drag of my cigarette forgetting to give a fuck about the ashes of burnt tobacco falling off the tip of my cigarette. My shirt served me as an ashtray. I placed the cigarette in between my lips and pressed my elbows into the mattress to get off it. I walk around the bed ignoring Gerard completely. I darted to the door when I felt a tight grip on my wrist. My cigarette falls out of my mouth and the force of the pull makes me fall backwards into the fucking cursed room.
I see Gerard’s face for a split second, before he forcefully pushes me against the dirty stained wall. My back slams against the wall, but I can’t even groan before Gerard’s lips are on mine, kissing me like all those times on stage. Except there’s nobody here to see this kiss; this kiss is ours. It’s innocent for now, just lips pressing together, but it feels better than anything else ever has. After the shock of the kiss wears off, I press back forcefully and Gerard opens his mouth, licking my bottom lip asking me to do the same. I do, letting his tongue into my mouth and letting it rub against my own. It feels strange kissing Gerard. I’ve kissed him before, but it still feels new and exciting. My hands travel into Gerard’s hair and I grab it, pulling a little and deepening the kiss. Gerard’s hips brush mine and I moan into his mouth and he pulls his mouth away quickly.
“Frank I can’t, I’m sorry,“ Gerard tries to walk out of the room, but I block him with my body. He’s not leaving without explaining what that was, because it was probably the best kiss I’ve ever had.
“I’m not asking you to give up your family,” I try to breath steadily, but my breaths are short and strained, every part of my body begging me to act like I don’t care but I do. This could be my only chance and I have to be honest. “I’m just - I’m asking you to accept me in a new family. I need you, and you know I wouldn’t say that unless I meant it.”
“But why didn’t you say before,” Gerard looks pained and I don’t know what he’s thinking.
“Before what?”
“Before Lindsey, or before I got married; before Jamia and before our children. Everything would have been so much easier then, I wouldn’t have to think of anyone else,” Gerard drags his fingers through his hair, as if removing all physical evidence that my hands had been there just seconds ago, “And now I do, and I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can put you first.”
“I have nothing but whatever this is, and I can’t lose it Gerard, I can’t.”
“Don’t make me chose Frank, because I couldn’t,” Gerard sighs, “And honestly? I don’t think you’d win. My family makes me happy, it's all I’ve ever wanted and I couldn't give them up for something I'm not sure would even work. I don't want to lose Lynz and Bandit.”
I lock my eyes on the half-smoked cigarette on the floor, ignoring Gerard’s poor attempts of trying to make eye contact with me. The cigarette reminds me of myself. Half of it turned into ash and the rest is waiting to be lit by someone again. Half dead, half alive; it needs to be set alight by someone who wants it. I need to be made feel alive because I’m dead. I look back at Gerard who’s been waiting for me to say something for a while now.
“It’s okay,” I begin. His mouth slightly opens, getting ready to say something like “bullshit” but I continue “Nobody has ever picked me first before, I didn’t expect you to be the exception. I’m always second best.” I say and sadly smile at him. His mouth drops, his eyes widen and his pupil shrink. I detach myself from the cold wall and step over to the cigarette that dropped out of my mouth in the doorway earlier on. I kneel down and gently pick it up. My hands slide into my jeans pockets and to my disappointment there’s no sign of a lighter in there. This means I have to turn around go back in the room where Gerard is. If I wasn’t so desperate for a cigarette I’d never even think about going into that room again.
I turn around and focus on the lighter laying on my bed. Gerard is standing stiffly by the wall, but his face expression changed. He isn’t shocked anymore. He’s angry. As I reach out for the lighter I hear his voice from the other side of the room. -
“Just because you can’t have me, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
A shiver went down my spine. After a short moment of numbness affecting my brain and body I light my cigarette. I place the cigarette in my mouth.
I can’t. I take a long drag of my cigarette and let the fumes settle in my mouth. Have. I breathe the fumes in and focus on the chemicals travelling into my lungs. Gerard.
And I never will.
I’d never come first for him. I’d never be special enough to be the only thing he needed. “Get out,” I spat, not facing Gerard and all my muscles tensing. The cigarette hadn’t made me relax at all. I’m angry, and ready to hit something.
“What?” Oh, that’s right Gerard, you just act innocent. I clench my fists as best I can as the cigarette in my hand gets closer and closer to the end. It’s almost burning me, and I can feel the heat and I know the pain is coming soon and I like it.
“Get out of my house,” I repeat with the same tone, and I’m scared to move because if I do I don’t know what reaction my body will have. I’m not sure if I’d cry, hit something, or maybe even both. I hear Gerard stand up and walk over to me, his body brushes mine as he walks out of my bedroom and I tense up even more. Please don’t touch me.
But he doesn’t hear my thoughts and he puts his hand on my shoulder, “Frankie, I didn’t-“
“Don’t,” I shrug him off and squeeze my eyes closed hoping for the courage to stay calm until he was gone. “Don’t touch me Gerard. Just go.”
He sighs and leaves, looking back at me a few times before disappearing down the stairs. I don’t move, I just wait for the door to slam before turning to the right and punching the wall in front of me. It cracks a little, and my knuckles ache, but I punch it again. I’m thankful. I stop punching, and walk downstairs ready to face the half painted walls. I had a chance to be happy just now, but again it’s taken away from me. Everyone always leaves.
