Somewhere on my body feels like it hurts. Maybe it’s everything, and maybe it’s nothing. I’m numb besides the feeling of wanting to smoke - craving the feeling of smoke in my lungs, a cancer stick to my lips, and knowing that with each drag I’m slowly dying. But everybody dies, right? I don’t think I smoke because I like to anymore; I smoke because I got addicted to self destruction. I need to stop over thinking. I need to get cigarettes. I ran out of smokes earlier today, due the number I’m smoking rising. I think that I’m slowly destroying myself.
I find my wallet and keys shoved under some random fruit bowl that hasn’t seen fruit since Jamia left me (probably because she was the only one of us who cared about that shit) and walk out of the house satisfied with the bang the door creates behind me. The streets are long and boring, and not appealing to the eye, but each house holds a family, well except mine. Every house has a husband and wife, or some variation of that, and most of them have children. That was the main reason that me and Jamia chose this street to live on. It was idyllic and now I’m the anomaly. It starts to rain as I walk up to the store and I jog the last few steps to avoid the rain. When I enter the store I hear a gasp and I don’t know if it’s from a fan, or just because my face and eyes are probably red puffy from crying a lot this morning, but I ignore it. I couldn’t deal with a fan explaining how the break up broke their heart without telling them that it did the same to me. I pull my hood over my head and walk towards the counter.
“Daddy!”
No.
Not again.
Not here.
Not now.
That’s Cherry’s voice, but she can’t be here. She’s not here. I’m making it up, I’m insane, I’m not falling for it again. Why me? Why do I have to lose my fucking mind all the time? I ignore it and continue walking towards the cigarettes, faintly hearing a child crying. I pick my favourite brand of killing sticks and shove them in my pocket just as my phone starts to ring. I don’t bother to check the caller ID and answer, while fishing out my wallet to pay the bored looking cashier.
“I never realised you were such an asshole,” Jamia’s voice spits down the phone and I can tell she’s mad. In fact, I’ve never heard her so mad. I can still hear a child crying. “Cherry is with me and she’s crying because her dad doesn’t even care enough to say hello to her anymore.”
“Wait, Jamia you don’t understand-”
“Oh I think I understand perfectly Frank,” She yells, and I cringe slamming down a twenty and yelling at the startled boy to keep the change, “You don’t give a shit about your kids, which is why I don’t want you to see them.”
“Jamia, don’t do this.”
The line is already dead, so I turn and run from the store not caring that the rain is pouring down onto my hoody. Jamia and Cherry are stood outside. It was really Cherry - I wasn't hearing things. Cherry looks so heartbroken, and it kills me. I want to hug her, tell her I’m sorry and try and explain how much I miss her. But as soon as Jamia spots me she walks over to a car I’ve never seen before and gets into it in the passenger side. My eyes flicker to the drivers seat where I see a man I’ve never met lean over and kiss her cheek. Who the fuck is he? And why does seeing him kiss her kill me inside?
My house is too far away to run too as I feel the tears start to cloud my eyes, so I run towards Gerard’s house. I run across the street, almost getting hit by a car. My hood kept sliding off my head, letting my hair get soaked and stuck to my face. I keep running towards Gerard’s house and trying not to slip on the wet sidewalk. I start to breathe more heavily but there seems to be no air for my lungs to take in. Dam, I need to stop smoking. My head starts to feel heavy and I struggle to continue forward. I stop and rest my head against a wall. The heavy rain pours down my neck, under my shirt and on my back causing me to shiver. My clothes are stuck to my body. The sound of the rain hitting the road constantly and the cars riding through puddles gets louder and louder. My mind wanders back to when I saw an unknown to me man in the car with my kid and my wife. Do they call him dad now? Was I not good enough?
