The Deal Changer (Book IV)

Chapter Eighteen - A Series of Regrets

                                        Chapter Eighteen

                                      A Series of Regrets

I BARELY SLEPT MORE THAN AN HOUR.

Every time I closed my eyes, nightmares would jolt me out of my sleep. Rather than continuing to fight for a moment's rest, I flipped on the television and settled on some black and white show in hopes it would make me tired enough to sleep dreamlessly. It didn't help my sleep to know I was still ignoring Matthew and had zero plan. I knew I couldn't ignore him forever. He was bound to force my attention eventually.

But what if I could ignore him forever?

I was already another state away from him, and I could easily pull a few grand out of the ATM to survive on. All I would need to do is leave my wedding band in the hotel and walk away. Just walk away. It was as simple as that. Matthew would come after me, and he might even find me, but wasn't it worth the risk? When you have nothing left to lose, isn't it worth taking a leap of faith and disappearing? I could leave right now while the sun was up and put a few more states between us. It was worth it, wasn't it? To try? While I loved the sports car of Matthew's, I knew it would have to be left behind. Everything would have to be left behind, except for a spare set of clothes. He wouldn't find out I had left for at least a night, maybe two.

And yet, despite the logic behind my plan, I didn't leave the bed.

It was a solid plan. Few flaws, and zero chance of burning a ton of buildings down. I could live in Arizona or Texas and have my own place and start entirely fresh. No one would get physically hurt, and I would be free. That's all I wanted, wasn't it? To be free?

But I also thought of the possibility of Matthew lashing out because of my actions. I wasn't sure if he would, but there was a chance Jeremy and Cindy would be at risk. Could I be that selfish as to risk both of them? Cindy was given a second chance because of me, a brand new life without the memories of me or our rocky history. Would I destroy that so easily? And then there was Jeremy who is now free from the abusive bastard who was my father and could now protect his family without taking Johnny's punches. Could I remove his freedom? Could I take my freedom and rip away his, or possibly his life?

Before I had started any of these acts of revenge, I was willing to. I was willing to die and burn those around me. It was a risk I was most certainly okay with taking. And then Johnny died, and Jeremy almost died, and I realized the only two people I have cared about could die. Matthew was capable of killing them, even if he wasn't the one who was involved with Johnny's murder.

So could I risk them to run from the monster? Could I turn my back on them?

I wished I was as selfish as I once was. I used to be the type to not give a damn about anything. If someone was being mugged right before my eyes, I would have snickered and strolled away. Now I couldn't even escape my own captivity because I was too concerned about my family.

I pulled the ring off my finger and began twirling it between my fingers as I watched the cheesiest show in the world. I did this for hours. In fact, I stayed in that bed until it became dark out once more and I realized I hadn't eaten or moved the entire time. I wasn't even hungry, which was incredibly unusual for me considering I'm always hungry.

I slid my stiff body out of the bed and looked at the clock which revealed it was after eight. Technically, I should have been on the road a few hours ago. But I didn't pull on my jeans or gather my stuff. I didn't want to leave, at all. I thought about going downstairs and going through with my tire-slashing plan to buy me some times. However, the more I thought about doing it, the more I just wanted to lay in bed.