Look After You- Niam Horayne

Involuntary Actions-Chapter 5

Niall's POV

I was ashamed of myself.

I did not regret doing what I did. I deserved it, and it wasn't like it was the first time I had done it. I used to do it before I arrived at the care home, but I quit when Liam was being my therapist. But when he left me yesterday, all memories of my mother and father came flooding back and I just kept thinking maybe my Dad would've loved me and my Mum would still be alive if I wasn't such a disappointment. It is whenever Liam isn't here.

But he needs a life. It isn't fair for him to stay with me 24/7. He has a social life, and I know how much Harry, Louis and Zayn mean to him. I do not own him, but I'll fight it. I'll fight it for him, though sometimes when you fight hard, even then you don't succeed.

But Darcy is here with me, and I'm distracted from it all. It's about five a.m., so Liam and everyone else is still sleeping like any normal person. Darcy crept into my room a few minutes ago and was like, ooh, Niall, thank God you're awake, I can't sleep. Can I join you? And it wasn't like I could say no, so I agreed and here she is, perched on the edge of my bed.

Darcy Star is pretty good-looking, but not in the way I would be head over heels for her. I don't think of her that way, so I sort of have to keep her at arms distance because she's a bit full-on. Quite clingy and flirty. But she's a nice person so I don't avoid her. Much.

"You and Liam seem quite good friends," she commented, her hazel eyes shining with a hint of disappointment. I flinched.

"Uh, I guess so," I replied, my voice hoarse and croaky again. I didn't feel too comfortable talking about Liam to someone like Darcy because she's the sort of person hungry for unnecessary information and I wasn't willing to give. 

I know it's stupid, but mine and Liam's 'relationship' is kinda personal to me. Our own secret little gang. Just us two. Ugh, it does sound corny, but it's true. I was sure she wasn't going to stop so I sighed quietly to myself and prepared for the flood of questions.

"Do you like him?" she asked carefully, each word slow and shouty. I swallowed, thinking about my answer. I liked him; I liked him very much- but I didn't want to give too much away.

So I shrugged. "Sure, he's great. He helps me a lot, which is good. Why?"

"Do you think of him as a special friend?" Darcy followed on, emphasising the word special. I rolled my eyes and snorted without humour. The word was so... childish. Spekkle friend. No, he wasn't a special friend, he was my care worker who I was, stupidly, falling in love with.

I gritted my teeth. "Define special."

"You know," she mumbled sheepishly, flinching at my harsh tone. "Just... are you straight, Niall? Or do you love Liam or something? 'Cause Ed said that you two talked and-"

"Hold up," I almost yelled, anger boiling inside me. So Ed had been talking about our conversation, had he? Ugh. One word of advice: Trust. No. One. Everyone just lets you down in the end, and who is always there in the summary? You.

Depression has always held me back from ever shouting at people, because depression is like a trap. You're locked away and it controls you, like it makes you do involuntary actions and my depression takes me away from any kind of social life and keeps me quiet. And that's how it's mostly been my life: me, myself and I.

But I was angry now. And I was going to yell like there was no tomorrow.

"Why is it anything to do with you what my sexual orientation is, Darcy?!" I screeched. I could see from my mirror on my dressing table that my face was splochy red and sweaty. "I've known people like you my whole fucking life, you know. The ones who think they know me but they really don't. The ones who hang out with me and try to be my friend just so you can swallow all the information you can discover and hold it against me for the rest of my life. Well, I'm not buying it."