Private Universe

Bliss

The ride back was done mostly in silence, a pleasant comfortable silence punctuated only with as much physical contact as two people on horses can manage between them without falling off, or the risk of being seen by someone they haven’t spotted. They arrived back at the house in a sober enough way, but Charlotte ordered Jack back to his room to sleep while she dealt with the horses, seeing that he was having trouble staying awake.

Whilst brushing down a horse, Charlotte became aware of eyes on her, eyes she was sure belonged to Bridie.

‘I’ll never learn to love this war, or what it has taken away from me, but I have just spent a day that I’ll treasure if that is the question on your mind.’

‘Not really, Ma’am. It’s not any of my business. I’ve found myself thinking more of what it’s showing us about ourselves, though. We here in this house, all safe away from the death and all, but still under the shadow of it. We’re all scared and not able to talk about it to each other. We’ve needed someone to let the fear and the rage and all of that out on, haven’t we?’

‘I don’t know. Last night saw something to scare, don’t you think?’

‘Beggin’ yer pardon, but no, not really. Oh, I was scared enough when first I saw the thing in my own kitchen, I own, but sure, I’ve had as much a scare from some winter’s tale of ghosties and ghoulies that me mam’s mam would tell us by the candle-light when I was a young ‘un. They never did touch a hair on the head of any of us, and smashin’ them to nothing at the finish was nought but what I’ve been wanting to do to somethin’ these months now.

‘It’s the thought that the death can touch me by undoing the knots that hold me. I’m not sure now if it’ll leave me loosed on the world or just lost at sea, not knowing where to go or how to get there. It’ll change this land, this war and all these dead. We’ve been thinking it’ll all get back to normal sometime, but I’m starting to lose the idea of what normal might be.’

Charlotte nodded, continued her brushing, but said, ‘Yes. People already look back at the years before the war as some kind of blissful time. I think it was a dream we were all in. In the future they’ll write tales of that time and people will hide in them, trying to find a place that doesn’t have fear of loss and change in it. Just pretty dresses and nice houses. Perhaps some of them will understand, it’s not the dresses and houses that make a good life. Those aren’t the things that tie you to the world. But we have nothing to complain of, do we? We are safe in this house and we have something we can take for our troubles.’

‘Aye, I suppose you’re right there, Ma’am. It’s a medicine like the laudanum. Do ye worry that we might have it hard when we give up the medicine?’

‘A little. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. But what kind of fools would we be not to take it now, while we can?’

‘Aye, it’s so. An’ tomorrow’s problems we’ll deal with on the morrow.’

***

Charlotte left Jack’s room early the next morning, before the sun or the household had risen. Jack slept till the light through his window woke him, found he was early for breakfast and enjoyed a lie in for a while, awake and looking at the patterns of leaf shadows the rising sun cast on the walls. Life was good, thought seemed unnecessary and his body was pleasantly tired. Later, he’d see if the girls wanted to practice self-defence again and get some exercise of a more usual kind.

Breakfast was a blur for him. He was aware of being the centre of a warm group, but couldn’t remember anything of what was said. There seemed no tension among the women around him and he felt that life might almost be the illusion that Deirdre and Hilary were supposed to believe it really was.