the number one to arbury

harbour

The toll road sign. I'm on a motorway now. Not going back to London. I'd like to go up north, as far away from the bloody devil that is Eyüp.

But leaving is still hard.

As far as my father knows, my brother and I only get into occasional fights, typical sibling things. Only because he spends too many a night in his workshop, finishing a build. He's only seen these fights as frequently as he comes home. Which is almost only every holiday (counting two days of Eid in our case).

My mother has also been tormented by her own son. I'd like to pick her up and move away with her. Two worn souls living in a moving home as we look for a more permanent place. We'd start a new life somewhere, when we're far enough. Hayriye Karademir Harrow and Esra Harrow, two Turkish women somewhere you'd never see Turks around.

I think I just heard something from my phone. I lift it from its lying position on the dash, now covering the speedometer.

Elena Marie N: heard u just left Cambridge. see u @ the first petrol station u see?

I reply with my voice, 'I'm heading north. You sure that'd be the first one I see on my way?'

of course, Lena replies, just back from Cam myself.

And right there, just ahead, that stop she's talking about. I take the detour, going down the ramp to the parking lot, parking in front of the convenience store.

From the rearview I can see Lena coming here. Her red hair illuminated by the lights from the station behind her. Tall that what I can see from the mirror is a quarter her face and three quarters her upper body.

She knocks on the front passenger door. I open the door and get out of that seat.

'Hey there. Thought you'd never get here. You alright?'

'Looking at how things have been, yeah, not that well. Never been this sore since I first left the neighbourhood. How 'bout you?'

'Just fine. The boys have been chasing you, huh?'

I open the back door and step in, pulling her with me. I set aside the bedcover over the middle row and stretch to the back row, switching the light on.

'Not just chasing. They actually beat me up on the streets.'

'What the hell...'

Lena closes the door behind her and set the plastic bag on the floor. She cranks the window open, lighting a cigarette from her pocket.

She takes the whole pack out. 'Want one?'

'My pleasure.' I take the lit one from her hand.

She takes one from the pack and gives it to me, switching it with the one I'm holding. She says, 'Oh no you don't,' then takes a drag.

I decide to make do with the new one and light it up.

'How's everything back there? I don't think I'm satisfied with "just fine" as an answer at this point.'

'No, really, just fine. But I understand why you don't want a "just fine". Those words often hide nasty things behind 'em...'

I take a puff, blowing it out the window. Little clouds.

The reason I hardly believe anyone is truly fine when they say they're fine is that I mirror myself onto them.

'I'm sorry. I don't even know what's "fine" anymore...'

'Fine is that now you're not under your bloody brother anymore. What about that?'

'Seems like a good enough definition for now.'

She holds my hand, her back resting on the corner between the seat and the door. 'Can I say something before you go?'

'I'm not going anywhere until morning, but go ahead. Take your time.'

'I've wanted to ask...if you want to be mine.'

'You know, I've always wanted to ask the same question. But I don't know...I mean, I'm already in danger like this, what's gonna come of me if bloody Eyüp spotted me with you...'

'You know two girls are often seen as just friends. Shouldn't be that hard to get under the radar.'

'But if my mum finds out, I don't know what she'd say. I don't want to leave her with that bastard of a son – I'd like to come back and get her someday. We'd start a new life together then.'

Lena's out of things to say.

I just sum it up, saying, 'The point is, I don't know if I can live with a love so risky, with all the things I have going on in my life right now. I'm so sorry, Lena, really...'

'It's...fine.'

'The thing is though...I'd love to have someone close to me these days. I guess...we'll just have to take the chance.'

I rest my head on her shoulder; she rests her head over mine and wraps her arms around me. I hold the hand coming from my back as teardrops run down my face.

'Esra, I think I should tell you something...your mum already approved of us. The only thing we have to worry about right now is your brother.'

---

Eleven p.m. The party's gone on for two full hours now. The students' event already ended at nine. The teachers wanted to have a little party between themselves where they don't have to watch any teens. 'Nobody gets drunk until nine,' the Lady had reminded us.

And so now we're here, Ara's home. The veteran teachers - the Lady with her husband, Pete with his wife - dancing to Ara's own slow dance playlist set to half volume, remembering their younger days. Two bottles of red wine set at the centre of the dining table, both open and half full. I can see where it's gone - Kier and Maggie is hanging out in the kitchen, holding a full glass each. Twist and Ellen are at the balcony, looking at the quiet street, streetlights like candles.

I sit on the couch alone, watching everyone as I wait for dear Arabella to emerge from her room.

Another song plays. Nothing from Tricia and Pete's days. As the chorus plays, I can hear a door opening.

That's not in the song.

Ara.

She looks more beautiful in that dress than when she first tried it. She does her hair in two knots, with a jewel flower set into each knot.

'You ready, Rue?'

'Ready for what?'

'The dance. You know this song, right?'

'More like part of my wedding playlist. You know how to slow dance, though? Because I really can't.'

'Just follow my lead.'

We only dance for one song. She then tells me, 'Take your coat. We're going outside.'

'What kind of host are you?'

'Nah, don't worry. We're only out for a minute.'

She drags me out of the house. We sit on the doorstep, looking around us. When I look up, Twist and Ellen are still there, and from the looks of it I can guess they're already kissing.

'So you live in this place alone? Doesn't it ever get, you know, lonely?'

'This is my childhood home. My parents are with my sister in London - we moved there back when I was in year seven. While we lived there this place was rented. When I came back here I was a roommate to two girls a year above me. They've all moved out, but I've got two other girls since. Now they're gone for the holidays.

'Lonely? Hardly. Still got lovely neighbours.'

'So let me guess, the first floor is rented?'

'Yup.'

'You know...I just thought of something.'

'What is it?'

'I think I've found my heart's harbour. Not in any man, but...'

'In me?' she asks.

'Yes.'