Memories

Sixteen

The hardest person to forgive isn't your enemies, the one who wronged you, but yourself.

From across the table, Alicia flashed me a small, nervous smile -- nothing like her usual bright and confident ones -- as she took a sip of her coffee. I returned the smile, knowing very well why she was so antsy at the moment.

Sitting closely -- a little too close -- beside her was a man -- Xavier, as she introduced earlier on -- who looked much more anxious than she was. Alicia once described him as someone who could always carry himself well in conversations. Yet, he was stuttering when he talked to me and his smiles were a little awkward, even though I could see the sincerity lying beneath them.

I knew Alicia had a boyfriend for some time now, but she never brought him to meet us nor told us much about him unless we probed about him. I wondered if it was due to the sudden change in the house, as you were diagnosed with dementia and caused her to become more closed off and reserved about her matters. But then out of the blue, she told me he wanted to have a meal with me and talk to me. Of course I knew what was coming.

Deep down I was aware that there was no way this could be avoided but it didn't mean that I was ever going to feel ready for this.

What kind of father would readily accept that his daughter was going to get married and leave his side?

Definitely not me.

If you were here, you would probably hold my hand, reassuring me that it's fine and there comes a time where we as parents have to let go of our hands. It would have been the most reassuring feeling. Letting go of Alicia's hand, yet knowing you were still holding mine.

I wish I could turn back time. Carrying her in my arms was an easy feat years ago, but nan easy feat years ago, but now? My daughter was here, asking for my approval of her marriage. With a guy I barely knew.

"So, dad," Alicia stared at me, biting her lips, "about Xavier -- about us. What do you think?"

I glanced at him and then back to Alicia. Her arm moved a little. I knew they were holding hands tightly where I couldn't see it. It was what I did then too. There was no way I wouldn't know how they feel now.

Asking for your parents approval and blessings for our marriage was the most nerve-racking day in my whole life.

They weren't very accepting then and acted quite hostile towards me. It was very unpleasant to be rejected by the very people who raised you and feel unwelcomed in their presences. My heart sank when they were against us. But I knew yours sank even deeper. You must have been torn. After all, they were the closest people in your life. The people who loved you and had shaped you into who you are.

So I held your hand even tighter in my own. When the world is against us and we are abandoned by the people who are important to us, I'll be there for you. That was what it meant.

Instead of answering Alicia's question, I glanced at the seat beside me. We were sitting in a square table for four people in a restaurant. It would have been just right if you were still here.

Alicia's our daughter. Was it really okay for me to make this decision on my own? What if he wasn't the right one for her? Despite knowing what you would say if you were here, I still wished with all my heart that you were here with me, witnessing and going through this moment together. It was selfish of me but I didn't want to do this alone.

I may be an adult, a father to our children, but without you, I was just a lonely old man.

I looked at Xavier once again. Even though his nervousness were showing blatantly today, he presented himself well enough when he asked for her hand in marriage. His voice was firm and he did not waver.