Lost Tapes ♡ h.s.

Tape 3

 April 20th 2014, 11:01pm

                                                       "....yes, Mom, I love you, too. Ugh, man, my mother can be so annoying. If you're wondering she asked if I needed anything from Target. Ha, if only she knew, right Harry? It is still March 28th 2014, right now, three in the afternoon.

 Last tape was about Molly Ralston and this tape is about....drum roll....Jason Butcher! Did I tell you that I once had a crush on him? Man, before I knew you, I was practically drooling over him whenever I saw him...good old times, right? Well, not really.

 I'm sorry that you have to listen to this tape because this is going to be about my crush, well the boy I had a crush on before I had a crush on you. So, yes, I thought Jason and I were meant to be together forever. We have never been in a relationship, though. Silly, I know.

 I put him on my list...about half a year ago, I guess. Yeah, it happened around that time. Do you still know what happened half a year ago? We weren't in a relationship at that time. We broke up for a stupid reason, we took a break from each other and well, I went wild. I thought I stopped loving you so I went back to Jason and had this major crush on him again, at least I thought so.

 Jason pretended to feel the same for me. He was all nice and held my hand, things I needed at that time.

 Half a year ago...I could cry just thinking about it. But big girls don't cry, huh? Whatever, Jason was sweet...at least at first. All these things that you're finding out on these tapes are things I never told you. They tore at my soul every time and I was too scared and too weak to tell you.

 Jason and I were at his house. His parents weren't home and we wanted to study. It was the first time he took me to his home and I thought we would stay...innocent. Now you can probably imagine what happened.

 Do you know....you know what the worst part was? Jason was my first and I desperately wanted it to be you. When it happened...I cried during it, I kicked him and screamed... He forced me even though I clearly said 'no'. I didn't want to. I felt disgusting.

Is this already considered rape? Because I mean, a part of me maybe...kind of wanted it ? Because I thought it would help me get over you. But no, no, no I hated it. That was wrong. I didn't want it to happen...and there is no way that Jason could have been under the impression that I wanted it. All I could think about was you. I wanted you to barge into his room and kill him. But how could you have known where I was? After all, we weren't talking at the time.

 Jason told me that it is okay and that I can forget about you. But I kept screaming and wanted to push him away and he tried to convince me that I wanted this because after all I came over to his place, right? He truly though that I only came over to his house so we can have sex. But when had invited me, I wasn't even thining about that. I really thought we were going to study.

 I don't know how I managed to keep this to myself. You always thought I wanted Jason to take my virginity and I always wanted you to think this way. Not to protect myself or Jason, but you. I wanted to protect you from the disgusting truth. Remember the fight we had about it? That I lost my virginity in only three months of us not being together? You were so disappointed in me and I...I couldn't tell you what really happened. 

And even now, it's so hard for me to tell you about this and you're not here right now. I'm talking to a tape but just the thought of you knowing about this, hurts me. I'm so...ashamed that I let it happen.

 But back to when I was messing around with Jason. He used me all the time. Even in school he touched me...I have never felt so disgusting in my entire life, Harry. I was 16 and I felt like a whore. And eventually, that was what he called me. He called me a whore...to my face...because I gave myself to him so easy and so fast. And the worst part is, he told his friends about me being a whore and that was why everyone called me that.

 I still remember how you were wondering why everyone started calling me a whore. He told his friends that I forced him to sleep with me. No one knows that it was the other way around.

 Please remember not to tell anyone about this. I allow you to beat the living shit out of Jason but don't tell the police, don't tell my parents, don't tell anyone. This is a secret between you and me, and unfortunately Jason as well. I loved you all the time during this horrible...experience. I still love you in this exact moment, I'm still going to love you in twenty minutes and I'm going to love you when it's all over for me...but our story is meant for a different tape."

 Harry started crying again. He felt like such a wimp because he had never cried so much in his entire life like he had this month. But on the other hand, his girlfriend had been raped by one of his friends. Jason was his friend, at least Harry had thought so.

 The third tape is taken out of the cassette recorder and he placed it back in the box. Tears were still rolling down his cheeks and dropped onto the black blanket.

 Everything Clary had told him in the last two tapes opened his eyes to how terrible his friends are, to how blind Harry had always been. He was surrounded by people he thought he could trust but who actually lie and betray...and drove his girlfriend away from him. 

 It amazed him that he had been so blind to everything. How he did he never realize that Clary was secretly bullied, that his beautiful Clarissa had suffered so much? Why did he never realize any of this? Anger added up to the painful grief he was feeling. A hot and burning anger. Something he was not used to because he had been numb for so long.