The Ascendant

Chapter Eighteen

Mike Dixon has been delegated the task of chaperoning me around north London to today, though Hobbs did him the favour of tipping him off about my unusual driving skills, which would explain Mike insisting we take his car out instead of mine.

We have just cleared the first appointment of the day, in what I thought was an overly long and arduous meeting with George Kelps of Total Building Solutions in Stoke Newington. Mike did most of the talking and seemed to labour a number of his points quite unnecessarily, but as he is by far the more experienced of the two of us, I simply decided to look, listen and learn as Hobbs has instructed me.

When we get back into the car, Mike tells me his slow and deliberate manner was all part of a straightforward ploy, so the timing of our next meeting would leave our host, Doug Shires of Shires Decorating and Maintenance, obliged to take us out to dinner. Apparently this is not how Hobbs’ PA had arranged matters but Mike seems convinced that it will work out just fine. The time is now 12.25pm, and we should be arriving at Shires’ offices in Edmonton within the next fifteen minutes.

Mike is twenty six years old, the same age as myself, and has a remarkably relaxed demeanour given the stress and anxiety which affect all of his colleagues, and Rob in particular. Even Hobbs seems to have his moments when the pressure can impose a few ripples on his otherwise smooth and serene surface.

‘As that old song from 80s goes, “It ain’t what you do, it’s the way that you do it, and that’s what gets results”,’ explains Mike. ‘You can run around like a blue arsed fly if you so wish, but it won’t necessarily get you anywhere. There are only a few key points you need to remember: prioritise your workload, keep your costs down and keep your customers happy. As for the contractors: treat them like shit, you’d be amazed how desperate they become to try and win you over. If you can do all that then you’ll be a success, and the rest is all just window dressing really.’

‘It can’t be that easy,’ I respond, still rather unconvinced by Mike’s over simplistic career advice. ‘Look at Rob, he does everything he can to keep his costs down and keep his customers happy but he’s still sinking under a mountain of paperwork.’

‘That’s because he doesn’t prioritise his workload. He’s a nice guy but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. He works hard - too hard in my opinion - and where does it get him? I hate to say it, but the poor bloke will be dead with a heart attack before he’s forty, the way he’s going.’

‘Well, you say that Mike, but if it was that simple everyone would be doing what you’re doing.’

‘And why don’t they?’

‘Because, Mike, as I’ve been trying to explain to you, it’s not that simple.’

‘Oh really? Listen, there are a lot of idiots out there, chimps who do things in a certain way because that's the way they’ve been told to do them. I’m talking about people who can’t work out a better way of dealing a problem and just to copy someone else’s crap solution. They’re just like lambs to the slaughter, or lemmings running off a cliff because the one before them did it. Don’t get me wrong, Ben, I’m not knocking it, and neither should you: these plebs are there be used to your advantage. Make them - TWAT!’ Mike gives the car horn an elongated blast and shouts some choice abuse at another motorist. ‘What a wanker, right on cue, as if to prove my point. You need to use these imbeciles to your advantage Ben, to show how much better you are than them.’

It’s quickly becoming clear that Mike is basically an egotist and an elitist, and if I could just borrow some of his arrogance then maybe I’ll be able to pull this off, but the guy is a natural. I’m merely trying to learn how to do a job that I’m completely unprepared for.

I wonder what Mike would make of my career to date, if he ever came to hear about it. Once he’d finished university he probably thought that landing a highly paid job was the most natural thing he could possibly do, apart from spitting at peasants of course. I tell Mike I’ll take his word for it, but for the time being I think I’ll avoid any lemming techniques by following him down some unforeseen cliff face.

Although he had to drop of few heavy hints about how ravenous he was, and not being able to concentrate on an empty stomach, Mike’s devious plan worked out more or less as he'd predicted. The outcome is myself, Mike, and the reluctant Doug Shires huddled around a table in a Chinese restaurant.

Unfortunately for Shires, all his efforts to complain about spiralling overheads, an employees’ employment market and declining profits are falling on deaf ears, as Mike is resolutely ignoring any reference to work, and is instead intent on talking about the forthcoming round of Six Nations rugby matches. When Shires turns his attention to me he is further dismayed that his pleadings are greeted with no more than a blank expression and an apology for my negotiative absence.

‘I’m afraid my remit is purely to look, listen and learn this week, Mr Shires.’

We choose the set meal for three, which is more realistically enough food for six people, or more. Mike and Shires use chopsticks but as I’ve never made the effort to learn how, I have to resort to using a shovelling motion with my fork, though I’m encouraged to note I seem to be faring best of all in terms of speed of consumption, if not aesthetic kudos.

Mike continues to talk about the fascinating clashes which he anticipates between the English and French packs, as Shires, who has already confessed to knowing nothing about rugby, cuts a forlorn figure.

Shires settles the bill and Mike stretches out and burps to show his satisfaction with the meal. Mike’s approach is entirely different to that of Hobbs, and I can’t help but wonder if our gaffer knows how his star pupil behaves once he’s out of the office. Maybe as long as Mike produces the required results and produces them on time, Hobbs doesn’t really give a shit.

The beleaguered Shires excuses himself and heads off in the direction of the toilet.

Mike gives me a wink and a smile, and is generally looking entirely pleased with himself.

‘So Ben, how’s that remit of yours going?’, he asks, I hope rhetorically.