Blunderball

Shakespeare Jumps the Shark

Challenge #7*: Write a story in which at least one character only speaks in verse, another represents the Shakespearian fool, and someone dies tragically. It must include at least 10 words created by Shakespeare and the final word count must be a multiple of 37.

"Behold, the fair Ophelia whose feet

"so nimbly guide the course of skis that fly

"not upon base snow, that blights the land

"but water, flawless, perfect in its sheen.

"Drawn by vessel motorisèd she

"like Phoebus' car glides swift across the lake,

"though not so bright, her radiance less grand,

"her fair-faced beauty gentler on the eyes."

"Hamlet," said the gravedigger, "it's cool how much you like Ophelia and all—I'll agree it's admirable that she was so keen to give waterskiing a try—but I've got a job to do here and I think we can both agree I should probably get it done sooner rather than later. This isn't the best time to stand on the lakeshore reciting an ode to her, if you see what I mean. I'm certainly finding it unhelpful, and I'm not sure it's the best thing you could be doing right now either."

"Stop up thy mouth, thou idle-headed fool!

"Canst thou not see mine eyes—only for her,

"Mine ears deaf but for that sweet engine's sound,

"That draws my love behind, approaching me—"

There was a crunch as the leaky motorboat ploughed over the enrapt Hamlet. A lone eyeball shot out from beneath with a loud squeak, plopping into the water a considerable distance from the shore.

Laertes hopped out of the boat and walked away, oblivious to the carnage.

Ophelia stepped from her skis and followed him.

"That's what you get for standing in the slipway," lamented the gravedigger, shaking his head. Hamlet might have been well-read, but he hadn't had a whole lot of common sense.

But on the bright side, the gravedigger considered as he approached the bloodstained shore, the hole he'd dug so far would probably be big enough after all.