Crumbs (a Tom Hiddleston fanfic)

Just the Coffee

I should not care who Tom sleeps with.  It could be Keegan, it could be the Pope.  It shouldn't matter to me. Okay, if it were the Pope, I'd have some interest. My chest feels so heavy as I leave the house.  Maybe I should have stayed to talk to Tom, but I am so angry I'm shaking.  I walk down off the porch and toward the field, when I hear the front door open.  Sweet buttery biscuits, the man is determined!

"DON'T follow me." I yell, not looking back.  I know it's him.  Surprisingly, he listens, and I don't hear him sprinting along behind me.  I keep walking.  One foot in front of the other.  Down the sloping front yard, past the big tree.  I make it to the half way point before glancing over my shoulder.  No one is there.  Tom's gone back inside, and I feel my mask break.  I'm not a crier, but I feel like I've cried more in the past few weeks than I have my entire life.

I walk and cry, and I feel the tears just sort of creeping down my face.  Why does this hurt so much? So very much?  I've kept Tom in this separate category for so long.  This untouched spot.  He's my best friend, and nothing more than that.  But something changed the moment I found out he and Keegan were done.  It changed again when he told me he hadn't been in love with her for some time.  So why was I stupid enough to change his category?! To even let my feelings fly free for even a millisecond?  To entertain the thought, the desire...to be more.  I'm just funny, silly, sarcastic Charlie.  I'm no match for women like Keegan.  I don't aspire to be.

I've dated men.  I've dated a lot of men. I've slept with some of them, not all of them.  But there's always been Tom.  And now, I feel like I can't breathe.  I was stupid enough to take him out of the little plastic wrapper I'd put him in.  I let him live, and truly breathe in my world, and I never should have.  He was better up on the shelf.  No one gets hurt if no one plays the game.

****

I've had almost an entire pot of coffee, and I still feel like I'm half alive.  It's nearing eight am, and I am slumped behind the register at Tiny Baker, smiling like a person that's just come out of anesthesia, trying to hand people correct change.

"Your scones are the best.  The best! I love your shop." A young woman says excitedly.  Too much excitement. Down, girl.  I smile, and try not to drool on myself.  I didn't exactly sleep last night.

"Thank you.  Here, have another, on the house." I reach into the bake case and wrap up another for her to take home.  She gushes out her thanks, and then is on her way.  I help a few more customers, including a mother and her toddler, a rushed looking guy in a bad suit, and two teenagers who order four banana nut and honey muffins. 

Mandy comes in at half past eight, and she looks as if she hasn't gotten a lot of sleep either. But I'm guessing it's the exact opposite reason of why I didn't sleep.  I'm a nun and she's most likely having the best sex of her life.

"Hi, Charlie." She saunters by, and disappears into the back.

"Hello, Amanda." I look at the clock on the wall for the hundredth time.  I'm wondering if I can pawn the rest of the day off on Mandy, so I can go back to bed.

Mandy reappears and stops in her tracks when she sees me.  She tilts her head.

"Are you drunk?!" She asks in a loud whisper.  I laugh.  There are only two customers in the shop, an older couple, sitting down and eating muffins near the front windows. 

"I wish."

"Are you on drugs? You look weird." She opens her eyes wide, and walks over to me, taking my face in her hands.  She looks at me, square in the eyes.

"I didn't sleep last night." I say, my face squished between her hands.  She scoffs at me and releases my face.

"Are you serious? Like...not at all?" She puts her hands on her hips.