𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐌𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝┊✓

cento e trinta e oito

it's been a few days
since that one day
- five days ago,
to be precise -
that we ended
our summer fling.
it was also the day
we blew out the candle
that held
our promises of a forever,
that held
all our wishes and dreams,
that held
our dirty whispers of what
we'd do behind closed doors.

it is now that i have this
dream, playing on repeat
in my head of you and i.
•
you're at our favourite diner
with your friends, our friends,
sitting in the booth we'd sit at.
you're having your usual,
french fries and a vanilla milkshake
all the while, you'd have your head
thrown back in full blown laughter
and goddamn is it breathtaking.

this is the part
where i walk in,
- accidentally of course -
head bent low, teary eyes,
and a much precarious smile.
i don't notice, i don't realise,
you guys there as i walk
straight past you all and
go to the counter,
and take a seat
on the bar stool.
i ask for a milkshake,
much like the one
you're drinking now

you're watching me intensely,
i could feel your gaze burning
holes right through me.
under the coloured
fluorescent lights,
i look like a mess,
an utter wreck,
i look miserable.

i turn my head slightly
just to catch a glimpse.
i feel my heart ache
from seeing the worry
written clearly on your
face. i look away though,
quick enough to miss
your eyes when they
flicker over to me.

i gaze down
at my milkshake
with desolate eyes
and a freshly broken heart.

even though the
jukebox was playing
old guns 'n roses,
i could hear the murmurs
from our friends and yourself.
you're asking around,
wanting to hear
how i'm doing
only to be saddened
when you hear
i've been breaking down
in front our friends,
i've been breaking down
when you're not around.
you're not sure if you're
surprised?
hurt?
upset?
that i neglect to tell you
time and time again
that i'm not okay.
but,
one of our friends
flips on you,
because he's closer
with me than you,
and he saw me cry,
sob
wholeheartedly
at just the mention of
your name.
"did you really expect
her to say
she's a mess,
she's falling apart
and cry because she
can't figure out what
to do with herself
when you ask her?"
he'd ask in a fit of rage.
he wasn't even angry
with you,
with me,
but he just,
he just didn't-

you stare back at him,
your jaw hanging open,
completely rendered speechless.

back over at the counter
only feet away from you
and our crew of friends,
my hand goes to my mouth
as i am hopeless to try and
stop the body wracking sob
threatening to rip
right through me.

"she's not even mad,
y'know.
she's just at a loss,"
our friend continues
after he himself
needed time to
really think over
the situation;
after he himself
was left asking
the same question
we are all asking,
how did we?
"you did something,
she could never do,
and she's happy you
did it, but
that doesn't mean
she's not heartbroken,
that doesn't mean
she's not hurt.
because she lost
someone she
loved dearly,
someone she
genuinely
saw a forever with.
now she is suffering
'the hues
of her heartbreak.'"

again,
you stare back,
completely lost.
you're unable
to fathom any words.

we all sit in our corners,
you and your friends,
our friends in the booth,
and me, lonely alone
at the counter.
everyone's quiet, silent.
d u m b s t r u c k.
is this even fitting for that word?
no one's sure how we quite got here,
we were such a golden duo,
we were the dream.
just days ago,
we were laughing happily
in each other's arm,
and now,
now?
we can barely look at each other?
we can barely meet each other's eyes?

after this,
we're both left with
the bittersweet aftertaste,
we're both at. a. loss.
what's there left to say?

n° 138