Promise Me (Book One of the Kirkland Family)

Promise Me: Chapter 41

Chapter 41

"I spent twelve bucks on these," Hannah sighed,  turning the cardboard box in her hands.  "Dual action lubricant, for both our pleasures."

"I believe we accomplished dual action pleasure without those," Justin murmured from above her.  She lay, curled up in the crook of his arm, her head on his shoulder, their legs still tangled with the sheet covering them.  It had definitely been a pleasurable last hour.  Now they were both liquid messes, barely able to move.

"Hmm," Hannah vaguely replied, reading the back of the condom box.  "You know...it's funny how something so simple could have changed so many lives."

Justin didn't respond.  His even rise and fall of his chest had her peeking up to see if he was still coherent.  His laser green eyes stared back at her.  Turning back to the box, she sighed "Just think of how our lives would be different if more people took two seconds to put one of these on."

"If you're talking about your mother and Mark, then you wouldn't be here, Hannah," Justin said quietly.

She smiled sadly.  "I know that...did they even make condoms back in 1982...or '81 when I guess I was conceived?"

"Sure they did," he said.  "They made them back in '99 when Josie was conceived, too."

"And you wouldn't change that night, if you could, huh?"

"If I remember correctly, it was the middle of the afternoon, right before a physics exam.  I think I got an A on that test."

Hannah popped him on his belly, earning a small grunt from him.  "Ha, ha," she snorted.

Justin snatched the box out of her grasp and tossed it over the side of the bed.  "I'll pay you back for them."

Turning around to her stomach, she laid her chin on his chest and studied him.  He reclined, relaxed and lazy, against her pillows with one arm behind his head and the other stretched out to caress her tangled hair falling around her shoulders.  Her mind had settled down, and to think...she was here now -- with this man -- because of the mistakes of others.  Would she have changed that if she could?  If she’d been born with the blood of James Baker running through her body, would she still be the same person?  Would she have fallen in love with Justin?  Or would she have already been married to some unknown man with a bunch of children running around in chaos?  It was a lot to take in.  And it was a sad thought and a happy thought, that she was this person today because of one night of infidelity.  

And Justin...where would he be now if he’d had the foresight to wear protection that one afternoon he conceived Josie?  Probably not here.  Not with her.  And that made her sad and happy at the same time, too.  If they’d both been different people, maybe they had never been meant for each other.  Two lives brought together because of reckless sex.  How many other couples had been united for that exact, same reason?  What about Kim?  How was her life going to change now that she was pregnant?

And with my brother or sister!  Oh, my god!

“You’re thinking about it again,” he said, staring down into her distant eyes.  Hannah brought her gaze back into focus and smiled.

“Actually, I was thinking about Kim,” she admitted.  “I’m going to have a brother or a sister.”

“And you’re old enough to be it’s mother,” he said.

“I know!  Weird, huh?”

“Really weird.  How old is Kim?”

“Forty-six,” Hannah answered.  “She’s worried about that, but I think she’ll be okay.”

“And she has you,” he said, tugging on her hair playfully.

Yeah...she has me.  And now, I can’t leave her.  Not now that I know. Hannah sighed heavily, the burden of everything weighing down on her.  She had to let Justin go.  That was all there was to it.  But she told him she loved him.  Would he still leave?

“You’re mind is turning again,” he murmured and sent her a crooked grin.  “Shall I make you forget again?”

A tingly warmth pricked her skin into goosebumps.  Again?...Heavens, she didn’t know if she could handle such emotional lovemaking again so soon.  The had made love.  Hannah had felt her very soul combine with his while he awakened and caressed every cell of her body.  Together, they had crested to the point where their bodies dove over the edge, and she had whispered she loved him, and he had turned his mouth to hers, brushing their lips tenderly, sweetly, so damn affectionately, her heart sang out and tears came to her eyes.  It had been that one perfect moment in time when all the world ceased to exist, and there was only the two of them, creating their own heaven and earth.

And only one thought ran through her mind at that minute of perfection...no man could make love to her so lovingly if he didn’t love her.  Justin might have his reservations about his feelings, but Hannah didn’t.  He loved her.  He just had to get the rest of his emotions sorted out.  Yet, she was still plagued with uncertainty.  Would he still leave?

“Well?” he murmured, his hand falling to her bare spine, tracing little circles between her shoulder blades.

Hannah smiled, dipped her head and kissed his chest.  Her fingers lightly tickled his stomach, slowly, inch by inch, moving downward.  “I think that maybe...I can give you a reason to forget,” she murmured, her mouth following the trail of her fingers.  Justin moaned when her lips touched his navel, and his hands tightened around her shoulder, ever so slightly urging her head lower.

“Songbird...” he growled, “you can make me forget anytime.”

She laughed and touched her tongue to his skin, right there under his bellybutton, and his breathing increased.  “Pick up the pace, darling,” he added, “you’re almost there.”

She laughed again.  “Never rush a woman whose teeth will be nibbling on your--”  A cacophony of trucks roared outside her house, followed by the slamming of several doors and the deep voices of an army of men.  Hannah lifted her head and frowned at the bedroom window.  “What the hell?”

Justin closed his eyes and groaned, “Ah, crap...I forgot about them.”

“Forgot about who?” she asked, scrambling off the bed, taking the sheet with her as she tripped over to the window to peer down at her street.  There were at least five double-cab work trucks parked near her house, and a swarm of men unloading ladders and building materials.  “What is going on?”

“Um...surprise?”

Hannah whipped her head back to Justin.  He sat up on the side of the bed, thrusting his feet through his jeans.  He smiled sheepishly at her as he stood to pull his pants up over his rear and fasten them.

“What did you do?” she accused him in a near hiss.

“Well...”

A large extension ladder slapped against the outside of her window, causing her jump, and a scrawny, agile man scampered up the rungs like a monkey climbing a tree.  Quickly, Hannah drew the curtains shut before he could see inside the window and spy her naked body draped in only the sheet from the bed.

“Justin!  What did you do?” she asked again, rotating around to face him.  

“You said you wanted to fix the outside,” he replied.  “So, I called a few people.”

“What?!  No!  I haven’t gotten a loan yet!  I can’t pay them!”

He slipped his shirt over his head.  “You don’t have to, Hannah.”

She glared at him in horror.  “Please...please don’t tell me you’re paying for it...”

Her only answer was a shrug.

“No!...no, no, no, no, no!” she chanted furiously as she raced around, dressing herself as quickly as possible.  She had to stop this!  She couldn’t allow Justin to repair her house!  

“Hannah, honey, calm down,” he said, watching her.  “It’s not a big deal--”

“It is a big deal!” she yelled at him and dashed out of the bedroom and down the stairs, muttering under her breath, “No, no, no, no, no, no....dammit, no!”

Bursting out of the front door, she gasped with panic as more men climbed up to her roof.  “Who’s in charge here?”

A few thumbs pointed out toward the street.  She trotted down her porch steps and approached two men standing by the trucks.  She recognized Rufus Greene, a roofing contractor, immediately because his wife was an avid gardener and one of Hannah’s best customers.  “Rufus!  You have stop this!” she shouted, coming up to his elbow.

“Oh, hey there, Hannah,” he said, smiling a perfect, gleaming white smile in his dark face.  She’d always thought him to be a handsome man, and never realized they went to same high school, but he was older than she was and mixed with a different crowd back then.  Now, she was so angry, his brilliant smile did nothing for her.

Justin had followed her out of the house, and he appeared behind her, thrusting his hand out for Rufus.  “Hey, Ru, thanks for coming today,” Justin said.  “I know your guys are busy this week.”

“Never too busy for a new job,” Rufus replied, still smiling his blindingly white smile.  Then he whistled, scanning her house.  “A Victorian, huh?  Five gables...that’ll add some extra time, but we should still be done by Friday.”

“It’s no hurry,” Justin said.  “Take your time with it.  I want it done right.”

“No,” Hannah finally got a chance to insert her opinions again, “No, don’t take your time.  Stop this right now!  I did not approve this!”

Rufus gazed thoughtfully at her.  “I see what you mean now,” he said to Justin and smiled at her again.  “A little spitfire, ain’t you, Hannah?”

“I’m spitting mad, is what I am!” she ground out between clenched teeth.  “I own this house, and I did not hire you!”

“Sorry, sugar,” Rufus said.  “Already got the deposit.  Non-refundable, you know.”

“Don’t call me sugar,” she hissed at Rufus and turned to Justin.  “How could you do this?  I can’t afford it right now!”

Justin took her hands and rubbed the tight knuckles of her fists.  “Honey, I told you, it’s not a big deal.  I have more than enough money to cover this--”

“I don’t want you to cover it!”

A third man joined them and asked, “You, Justin Kirkland?”

Rufus clapped the man’s shoulder.  “Justin, this is my cousin, Ty.  He’s the best damn builder I know.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Justin said, releasing one of Hannah’s hands to shake Ty’s.  She stood there, her mouth gaping in the wind as they ignored her.  

“Builder?” she asked hotly.  “Builder for what?”

“Your porch, sweetheart,” Justin said, flashing a wry grin at her.

“My porch!”

Rufus smiled, too -- he seemed to do that a lot -- and said, “Ty, this is Hannah.  She owns the house.”

“Yes, I do!” she huffed, “And I did not hire any of you to be here!”

Ty, another handsome, coffee-skinned man with a perfect smile, looked at her and winked.  “Oh, yeah...your boyfriend said you wouldn’t be happy about this.”  He leaned closer and whispered to her, “Don’t worry, sugar, we’ll take good care of your home, make it purty again.”

Hannah threw her hands up in the air.  “I swear to all that’s holy!”  A shout and a crash sounded behind her.  She whirled around to see old roofing shingles tossed off the top of her house, barely missing her grandmother’s roses.  Hannah didn’t hesitate to snatch Rufus’s shirt in her fist and bring him down to her eye level.  “Those roses have been there for thirty years,” she snarled.  “If I see a single petal fall off, I will chop off your balls with a chainsaw, you hear me?”

Rufus’ smile faded away.  “We’ll, uh...we’ll make sure nothing gets damaged, Hannah.”

“You’d better.”  She let him go.  She turned to glared at Justin, but a whirl of blond hair blocked out her vision as Kim suddenly appeared and hugged her tight.

“Oh, Hannah!  Mark told me!  I’m so sorry!  That bastard!  He deserve a kick in the ass!  I can’t believe you fired him, though!”  Kim jerked her head back and stared at the ruckus around them.  “What’s going on?”

“Justin hired these men to fix my house,” Hannah answered hotly.

“Really?  Oh, that’s so sweet!”

“It’s not sweet.  It’s annoying,” Hannah retorted, giving Justin the evil-eye.  “But forget that.  How are you?  Are you okay?  I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to see you this morning, but--”

Kim crushed her in another hug.  “Oh, Hannah!  Don’t even think about me right now!  You’re the one who had the worst day in the world!  I couldn’t believe it.  I just couldn’t believe it!”

Hannah smiled.  “You know what, Kim?  It’s okay.  And you know why it’s okay?”

Kim frowned at her.  “Why?”

Hannah put her hand on Kim’s stomach.  “Because now, you’re my family.”

Kim’s blue eyes watered up.  “Oh, Hannah!”  And then commenced the third bone-crushing hug.  After a minute, the two women separated, and both wiped their eyes.  Kim saw Justin standing nearby, and she cried out again, pulling him into a hug.  “Oh, thank goodness, you were there today!  I can only imagine the heartache Hannah felt.”

Justin glanced around uneasily while Kim embraced him, and Hannah had to grin.  He cleared his throat and patted Kim’s back awkwardly.  Emotional women seemed to be his persistent nemesis.  “Um...okay,” he said.  “And congratulations on the baby.  I know Hannah’s happy for you.”

Kim stepped away.  “Thank you,” she smiled, weepy and sad.  “I don’t know what I would have done without her support.”  Her eyes grew wide.  “Oh!  I’m carrying your brother!”

“Or sister,” Hannah said, smiling.  That had been the highlight of all this mess.  Kim’s baby was her sibling.  She had a family again.  But that meant bad news for her relationship with Justin.

“I know,” Kim said.  “That’s the only reason I’m not shoving a rake up Mark’s ass right now.”

Hannah laughed.  “We seem to have a lot of violence in our souls today.”

“And it’s all their fault,” Kim ascertained.  “Men!  Useless!  The whole lot of them!  Only good for making babies and fixing houses!”

The men around them shifted in their work boots as they eyed Hannah and Kim.  The two women ignored them.  Hannah took Kim’s hand.  “Are you sure you’re okay?  I don’t want you to worry too much.”

“I’m fine,” Kim said.  “Better than fine.  I can do this.  We can do this, and we don’t need Mark!”

Hannah felt such sympathy for her.  Kim was trying to be brave, but her blue eyes were marred with anxiety over the future.  Raising a child alone was difficult.  Hannah had been that child.  She didn’t wish it on Kim and her baby.  

And deep down, Hannah knew that Mark would make things right between him and Kim.  It just had to take some time to work through this whole disaster with him and Lawna.  “Mark will come around.  I’m sure of it,” Hannah replied.

Justin snorted.

Kim raised her eyebrows.  “You don’t like Mark, do you?”

“Not as much as I used to,” he said gruffly and tucked his thumbs into his back pockets.  “He’s got a lot of making right to do, but it sounds like Hannah might one day forgive him, so maybe I’ll work my way in that direction, too.  After all, he’s the father of your baby, and of Hannah.  I can’t hate him entirely.”  

Kim smiled appreciatively, but Hannah was distracted once again by the work crew getting too close to her grandmother’s roses.  “Rufus!” she bellowed.

Rufus grimaced and put up his hand.  “I know, I know!  I’ll take care of it.”  

Kim winced as another load of roofing shingles landed mere inches from one of the bushes.  Hannah had to give it to Rufus’ guys -- they worked fast.  Almost a quarter of the front part of the roof had been stripped.

“How about I call some guys from the store to come over and move them?” Kim offered.  “We’ll transplant them into some big pots until everything is back to normal.”

“Thank you, Kim,” Hannah said.  “That would be great.”  Kim got right on it, pulling out her cell phone and going into work mode, but Hannah turned to Justin, not forgetting about him and his “surprise.”  

“Can I have a moment of your time, Jack?” she asked, watching him nod and flush dark with her tone.

“Hey, Ru,” he called out.  “Can you get your crew to stop for a while until the roses are moved?”

“Yeah, sure,” Rufus said, gazing thoughtfully at Hannah.  “And good luck with this one.  Reminds me of my wife--”

Ty laughed, “Yeah, good luck.”

Hannah began to stomp off back to her house, when another voice called out, “Hey, I’m looking for Justin Kirkland?”

That voice belonged to a forty-ish woman wearing a white jumpsuit covered in paint splatters.  “I’m Justin,” her jackass called out and he looked at Hannah, saying, “That must be the painter.”

Hannah pursed her lips into a thin line.  A painter, too!  “You have two minutes, Jack,” she said tightly.  “Then I want to see you inside.”

She walked away to Ty’s deep voice saying to Justin, “Damn, man...I ain’t never understood how women can go from happy and crying to down right pissed in two seconds flat.”

Justin responded with, “I can handle her,” and Hannah’s body stiffened with such intense irritation, she dared not look back at them.  How could he do this to her?  She wanted to fix the problems with her house on her own!  Her guilt in giving up their relationship for her newfound family ravaged her enough without feeling indebted to him.  He would turn this house into a home again, and it didn’t feel right, if he wasn’t a part of it.

If he’d just admit that he loved her, too, and he knew a way to make things work out for them, then none of this would bother her so much.  She’d let him build her a mansion, if that was the case!  To think, he said he could only “make love” to her if they faced the future together!  But she knew for a fact, he wasn’t coming back to Arkansas permanently.  He’d been very adamant about that.  So, what difference did it make to him if she got a new roof on her house?  The porch, she could understand...after all, he’d been her first casualty from that disintegrating ruin...but the rest?  Why?

“Okay...you’re mad at me,” he said, coming into the house a few minutes later.  Hannah hadn’t realized she stopped in the middle of the hallway, the door wide open, while she fumed inside her mind.

“Damn right, I’m mad at you,” she spit at him.  “What was all that talk about ‘making love’ and ‘us’ and ‘as long as we do it together’ crap?”

He placed his hands on his hips and gazed calmly down at her.  “I don’t think I’m following.  Are you mad about the house, or about what I said?”

“Both!  Damn you!”

“First of all, I meant every word I said, and secondly,” he said, as unruffled as smooth glass, “I called Rufus over the weekend, before all the craziness today happened.  This was supposed to be a good thing.  I wanted to do something special for you--”

“Dammit, Justin!  I can’t let you do this,” she cried.  “I can’t!”

“If this is about money,” he said, “I’m not asking you to pay me back--”

“It’s not the money--”

“Then, is it because you wanted to make all the decisions about how it looks?  That’s not a problem, Hannah,” he talked over her, “I was going to let you pick out the colors and the porch design and all that...you can have it done anyway you want.”

Hannah covered her face with her hands and sat down on her staircase, totally frustrated and overwrought with him.  He came over and sat next to her.  Putting an arm around her shoulders, he pulled her against his side and said, “Hannah...I wasn’t trying to step on your toes and change anything.  You love your home, and I wanted to help you make it better.”

“Why?”

He sounded dumbfounded by her question.  “Because...because I wanted to...”

Hot tears leaked out between her fingers.  “You don’t understand...I don’t want to love my home more...”

He sighed.  “Honey...it doesn’t matter what happened between your mother and Mark.  It doesn’t matter that James was not your paternal father.  He was still your father, Hannah.  He loved you, unconditionally the way a father should.  You are his daughter in every way, and this is your home...”

She shook her head, wiping her sniffling nose on her sleeve.  “It’s not that, Justin...I know Daddy was my father in every way.  I was upset before; it had all been too much of a shock, but I know I would not have changed any of it.  Not now...now that I’ve calmed down and started realizing all the good that’s come from this...”

“You mean the baby?”

“Yes,” she breathed out.  “That baby means so much to me...it’s my family, nearly the only one I have left -- or at least, who I claim right now.”

“Then tell me what’s bothering you,” he said softly.  “I’ll do my best to make it better.”

Hannah gazed out of the open door, seeing all those workers swarming around her yard.  They were going to make her home beautiful, the way it used to be, and she didn’t think she could stand to see it when it was finished.  She’d never be able to walk through those doors and not think about him...the first time he walked up those broken porch steps and fell into the rose bushes.  

“Hannah?” Justin said gently, turning her head with a light touch to her cheek.  “Honey, what is it?  Tell me what’s wrong.”

She blinked back more tears.  “Justin...I’m not sure I want it fixed anymore.”

“Why not?” he asked, a frown on his lips.

“Because...you won’t be here to share it,” she whispered, watching him for his reaction.  He stared back at her and then sighed.

“Oh, so that's it,” he said.  “Hannah, what do you want me to do?”

Speaking hoarsely, around the ball of dread in her throat, she said, “I can’t answer that, because I can’t tell you what to do.   Justin, I...I love you.  I love Josie, and I don’t want to live without either of you...not here, not anywhere.  But if I had to choose, then I choose my family.  I’m staying here, to be with Kim, to see my brother or sister grow up...maybe I’ll forgive Mark and my mother one day -- I don’t know...”  She remembered that morning, and she closed her eyes with her shame.  “I can’t believe I fired him.  That was so childish of me.”

He let out a breath neither of them knew he’d been holding.  And he stood up, brushing his hands through his hair.  Hannah’s heart broke.  After all this, it had been her to end things.

“So, what you’re really saying...?” he stopped, shook his head in denial and began pacing in front of her.  “Three weeks, Hannah.  You promised me three weeks to sort it all out.  And now, you’re saying not to bother.”

Her legs petrified in their bent position the stairs.  She ordered her body to not jump up.   “I’m sorry,” she said.  “I did promise, but maybe it’s better this way...”

“Better for who?  Me?  Josie?  Did you think about how this will affect her?”

Hannah closed her eyes.  “Please, don’t.  You knew it would never work.  I might have been willing to move to Savannah with you, but now I can’t.  I won’t abandon my family, not knowing how that feels.”

He stopped pacing back and forth between the doorways of her living room and the study.  His eyes focused on the floor, his mouth downturned in a serious frown.  “Then give me until the end of the week,” he urged, raising his gaze.  "Don't give up on me just yet.”

“Justin...”

“No,” he stopped her, and crouched down in front of her.  “Five more days.  That’s all I need.”

“Why?  Why torment both of us this way?” she asked, her head beginning to throb with keeping back her tears.  She’d cried too much today.  The pain in her skull was nothing compared to the wreckage her heart suffered, but five more days -- one more day -- would only make the pain more unbearable.

He searched her eyes.  “Do you love me?”

“Yes, I said so, didn’t I?”

“Then that deserves a little more time,” he said.

"Justin, unless you feel the same, then I don't see the point--"

"Maybe, I've had a revelation recently," he announced quickly.  "Maybe, I know exactly how I feel about you.  Would that warrant five more days?"

Hannah feared to hope.  "Does that mean...?  Do you...love...me?"

He studied her, delved into her, embarked into her soul.  Her breath caught when the smallest, faintest, most miniscule nod rocked his head forward.  

"Five days," he said, rather than the three words she ached to hear.  “I can do this...I can make this happen for us, but I need the time.  Please.”

She stared at him.  “Okay, Justin,” she agreed.  “Five days.”

He kissed her, fiercely, passionately, and then laid his forehead against hers.  “Can I stay the night with you?” he asked.  “I’m going to have to fly back to Georgia in the morning and work this out, but I want us to be together tonight...and I don’t like you staying here alone, not after today.”

Hannah wrapped her arms around him.  “Would you bring Josie here, too?  If you’re staying, then I want her here, too.”

“Yes, I’ll go get her.  She’s not feeling very well, but I think she won’t mind,” he said.  “You think you can handle all that for an hour?”  He waved at the work commencing outside her home.

She smiled.  “If you’re coming back to me, I can handle anything.”

Another kiss landed on her lips.  “I’ll be back soon.  I promise.”  Then he stood and walked outside.  A few minutes later, after he spoke briefly with Rufus, she saw him get into his truck and drive away.  Hannah rose on unsteady legs, took a couple of good breaths and went out to supervise Justin’s idiotic -- though very sweet -- renovation surprise.

*****

But then Kim gave her a large manilla envelope, saying, “Your mother left this at the store for you...want me to burn it?”  And the morning crisis came crashing back to her.  Even in her absence, Lawna was still present, and it hurt Hannah to know she’d never completely be rid of her or the heartache she created.  But Hannah didn’t burn the envelope.  She stuck it in a drawer in her office and tried to forget about it.  It was damn difficult, but she managed for all of an hour.

Then she read through the contents.