u/Missy_Erin
long story.
~
199X-11-25
Journal Entry #32
Today I learned...
Today I learned that children are not supposed to have only a Daddy. I wanted to tell my friends that I did not only have a Daddy and that I do have a Mommy but then I started crying because nobody believed that Mommy loves me.
Even Ms. Watts didn't believe me. She pulled me out of the classroom to have a talk with me about "denial," and how I was in denial about Mommy dying.
I try to tell her that Mommy wasn't dead and that she was alive. She just shakes her head at me.
Daddy says that I am under strict supervision. He says I have rules now.
I do not like these rules, but Daddy says that I absolutely can not disobey them because if I do, something very very bad will happen to me.
I tell him that something very very bad has already happened to me, and that was when he took Mommy away. But then Daddy gets very very red and very very upset and I get very very scared. I'm not allowed to say that anymore because it means I am breaking the rules.
Rule #1 is that I do not have a Mommy.
I miss Mommy so much but I am not allowed to tell anyone that I have a Mommy. Daddy says that is why we moved. To have a fresh new start, but I do not like this fresh new start and it does not feel fresh.
Daddy smells like wine and cigarette and dirty laundry and some other smokey thing that I don't know the name of. He doesn't hug me anymore. He doesn't smell like flowers anymore. Sometimes I miss the flowers, because at least Mommy was still there.
Journal Entry #35
My biggest wish is...
My biggest wish is that Mommy would come back.
I am terribly sorry that I couldn't make her happy and that makes me so sad because I couldn't protect her from Daddy. Why did they have to take her away? Why does Daddy tell people Mommy is dead. Mommy didn't have cancer.
I know that Mommy loves me more than Daddy ever will.
All Daddy does is yell at me. I hate it hate it when he yells because cops yell at the bad guys but I'm not a bad guy. Neither is Mommy.
Sometimes he comes home and is in a good mood. Then he will cook me pancakes for dinner and tell me about his cop duties. I don't really like listening to his cop stories anymore, but I do not say anything because Rule #2 is that I have to be a good kid and listen to Daddy at all times.
This means that bedtime is always at 9pm and that I am not allowed outside of my room after that. Never ever.
I am also never allowed in Daddy's room. He says that there is a thing called "privacy."
I think Daddy uses his super vision on me, because he knows what I am doing even when he is not there. He always knows where I am.
I miss Mommy.
Journal Entry #36
My favorite color is...
My favorite color is red. It is Mommy's favorite color too.
Today Ms. Watts asked us to talk about our favorite colors. Three of my classmates also like red the best.
Mimi likes it because it is the color of her favorite dessert, red jello.
