And if I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places

Thank God you are Someone who loves me

“Could I rest here for a while
Near that medal 'round your neck
St. Jude's wearing a smile
He wouldn't mind I bet
I can't go face the world
My bones won't hold me up
So tell the saint of lost souls where to find me
Softly sleepin' here in the deep end of someone who loves me”

I discovered this song right before Ep 40 came out and now every time I listen to it I think of them and cry like a baby. This image of them immediately popped into my head when I heard the lyrics, so I hope you listen and read along.

"Someone Who Loves Me" by Sara Bareilles

The late spring breeze carried with it the scent of the forest and the sea. It cooled her overwarm skin and rocked the hammock she rested in. Her eyelashes fluttered as she squeezed her eyes shut tighter. She was in her happy place and she didn’t want to be disturbed by anything not even the wind.

His chest was warm, his heartbeat a steady soothing sound under her ear. His arm around her kept her from falling out, kept her from drowning in feelings of sadness or anxiety. He’d been here for her, her constant sentry, her boat in the storm. It was all she ever wanted from him, and even though the circumstances were terrible, she couldn’t regret the opportunity to make things right. She wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if they hadn’t at least tried .

They were trying, they were succeeding. They still loved each other deeply, had never stopped loving each other, and that was the most important thing. She had bad days, when the fear of abandonment or memories of what Yigit did reared their ugly heads. But he didn’t run away, he didn’t leave her side. He proved over and over again that he was a man of his word, a man who would do anything for her.    

He had bad days too, days when he doubted her belief in him. It hurt to see him so beaten down, so heartbroken. His strength and determination gave her hope, it gave her the patience to help him up and dust him off. It took her some time to understand that his wings had also been broken, and while she had risen from the ashes, he didn’t have anyone to mend him. She was healing him now, and he was teaching her how to fly again. It wasn’t the picturesque happy ending she wrote in her book, but it was happy for the most part.

She smiled thinking how this wasn’t their ending. They had many more years, more chapters yet to write, but they would write them together. She snuggled impossibly closer to him, touching the moonstone ring that hung from her neck. He had bought her a new chain for it, a delicate silver link that ended just before the swell of her breasts. It wasn’t hidden under her clothes anymore but gleamed at the center of her chest for everyone to see. She was no longer ashamed for people to know that she depended on him, because he depended on her too.

They had taken to napping in the afternoons. It had started two weeks ago when she had returned home after a breakthrough in her therapy session. She was exhausted but she couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t calm down. He hugged her, breathed with her, and laid down with her. No connotations no expectations, just comfort. She had never slept so soundly.

They were taking baby steps. They weren’t exactly lovers, yet . They were more than friends, but they hadn’t kissed or moved passed sleeping next to one another. But it felt right, it felt like them. She didn’t care that no one else seemed to understand their relationship, but she was happy that her family had warmed to him again. It wasn’t just that they were grateful to him for saving her life, they saw that he wasn’t going anywhere and his mind was made up.

Sometimes it shocked her how different he was. Most of him was the same, but he really was a more patient, less jealous, less angry man. Grief changed a person, she knew first hand. But she saw the old Can the day they arrested Yigit and brought him in for questioning. She could see it in the way that he squeezed his eyes shut and how his hands shook that the anger simmered just below the surface, barely contained. She had mixed feelings that day. She was obviously relieved that her kidnapper had been caught, but she couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for time lost and trust broken. She wished things could have been different, and it took him being there for her to realize that there was no sense in dwelling on what ifs.     

She was there for him a few days later when his mother was also brought in by the police. She wasn’t involved in the actual kidnapping and so couldn’t be punished for it, but she was charged with accessory after the fact for her knowledge of Yigit’s misdeeds. She was the one who told him to flee the scene and leave her for dead, and that was just as bad as the actual injury in Can’s eyes. To be betrayed by a friend and coworker of one year was nothing compared to the betrayal of a mother of thirty years. She convinced him to start therapy too, at the same facility but with a different counselor, and she could tell it was helping. But only time could fully heal their wounds.  

She felt his arm tighten around her shoulders, a gruff breath escaping his lips. He was still asleep and she could tell by how his eyelids fluttered that he was dreaming. From her place gazing up at him he looked almost childlike, with his long eyelashes and slight smile. She bit her lip to contain her smile, contain her tears. He was really here, he was really hers. And she was his.

She closed her eyes and lay her head back in the spot that was made for her. Now when she dreamed of them building sandcastles with their children it didn’t feel like a dream, but more like a promise.

END NOTE:
Thanks for coming on this ride with me! Let me know what you thought down in the comments.