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3/10: Execution

Execution by NoNameIsWorkin

Scarlett Anderson has no idea what's coming for her when she starts her new job at a clothing store, because human body parts are not what you're supposed to find in a storage room.

She doesn't know it before she drags her brother who mysteriously just showed up and best friend into the mess her life has become.

Together, they have to face a series of decapitated heads of people they know, while trying to get clues from the notes left with them. Will they succeed in finding who the killer is? Or will they end up just like the many dead bodies in the world.

COVER: I like the rugged, jagged look of the cover, but it feels like the font at the top disrupts that? I don't know how to explain it except that maybe if it were in the same font as the title, it might fit together a little better. A dark shadow backdrop behind the letters might look cool too, but these are just cosmetic edits. It's a nice cover and gives the impression of horror and thrills, which I'm assuming was your aim. Play around with a few new covers, though. That one is nice but it can be a lot nicer.

GRAMMAR: The descriptive tag after dialogue shouldn't be capitalized, and unless the dialogue ends in a question mark, dash, or exclamation mark, it should be a comma rather than a period closing it off when there is a tag added after it. (i.e. "What do you think?" Asked Alec. "I just hope she likes me." Sighed Scarlett. this should be: "What do you think?" asked Alec. "I just hope she likes me," sighed Scarlett.) Little errors like this can really disrupt the flow of the piece, and the fact that the first chapter starts out with them is not promising.

Other issues I see are run-on sentences, comma splices, and improper use of semi-colons. I won't go into detail, but just make sure you only use commas when necessary, and you keep semi-colons to separating items in a list and combining two sentences into one compound sentence. Tense issues are also present; it seems like you switch back and forth between present tense like the narrator is expressing their thoughts in the present and then past tense. In some cases, that is the format of some novels, but in this case, it seems misplaced. Just make sure you keep your tenses the same.

CONTENT: The first part of the chapter seems a bit like an info dump. It's not very smooth and flows a bit choppily, but I see what you were trying to do there. Then mood suddenly switches from lighthearted to terrifying, but I don't feel it? It's implied very loudly, especially with that psychotic snicker that the "bad guy" does. It just...doesn't make much sense to me right now. And then the bit where she knees him in the nuts and he falls onto his back? Typically, guys tend to bend over and don't necessarily "scream," and they also don't immediately topple onto they back but rather grab their you-know and fall to their knees or something. The reactive response, especially in an action scene, has to make sense, and in this case, it doesn't. Also, a girl can't just go to scared out of her mind like a helpless victim (which is how she seems to be portrayed) to suddenly a bad-butt cocky heroine, it doesn't make sense. It's like I'm watching a movie with really bad actors, you get me? She escapes and takes a bus to her destination, then when she finally gets there, she's okay? This girl was just attacked, almost raped, and scared out of her mind, but she's back to normal maybe half an hour later, complaining about how much work she has to do and laughing playfully? It doesn't make logical sense. I know I've said that a lot, but that's the general consensus here. You mention later that the aftermath of what happened played out still in her mind and affected her actions, but I see nothing here to prove that except maybe her getting startled by a knock. Towards the very end of the chapter, there's an ominous note (that of which isn't even written properly; you'd think that someone looking over her and protecting her would write something with correct structure and a better rhyme, at least, if he cares that much) on top of the man who had assaulted Scarlett that morning. That morning. The whole attack happened in the morning and nobody noticed? She was walking through an alley in the morning and got nearly assaulted?

The first chapter is meant to be the one that draws people in. The first chapter is the hook; it is the first impression that people get. If the first chapter is bad, that is the first sign that the rest of the book isn't any good either. This isn't necessarily true, but to a nomad reader, the first chapter is the one and only chance you get to impress and retain that reader. For me, this didn't work at all.

NOTES: Try watching action movie clips on Youtube to see the effects of a particular move or how people respond to being attacked. That should help with the realism of the action scenes.

OVERALL: There was plenty of action, I'll give you that, and it ended with a promising storyline, however I can't read any further. The story may be fine, but the way that things played out was no good to me and made it unreadable. I'm sorry I didn't keep reading, but really, I meant what I said: the first chapter is your one and only shot. Good luck with your editing and I hope you can fix this. Let me know if you do. I'd be happy to give it another look -- as a reader, not a reviewer. Thanks for requesting.

RATING: 3/10