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5/10: Frost on the Grasslands

Frost on the Grasslands by SmokeAndOranges

❖ A runaway with nothing to complain about flies around feeling bored, until a tyrant who was supposed to be lying low starts doing things again. Things both interesting and unnerving.

❖ A social butterfly, delighted by the chance to meet new friends, returns to a place of both fond memory and mystery. She has never let it hold her back that her species was supposed to have died out three hundred years ago.

❖ When a great forest burns, a traitor's child is swept south by the waters of a flooded river. The landscape in which he finds himself---in fact, the entire world he lives in---is in the process of changing rapidly for the worse... and nobody knows why.

When the three cross paths in a forest none of them call home, they stick together. Two kinds of winter are advancing and survival is an art form. It is not immediately clear that their stories, and the ominous changes around them, might just be connected.

COVER: I mean, the cover is fine. It's basic but sorta stylish. Underwhelming is probably a better way to put it.

GRAMMAR: I see no issues that stand out to me.

CONTENT: I'm going to start on your description. The way each sentence introducing the three characters is started is something I feel should be similar. You start the first two with a very similar sentence structure, then the last two with a similar structure. I don't like it because the third little bullet point is a part of the first two, right? So all of them should match, and then the last one should stand out because it was what connects them all together and gives them purpose. Also, I would revise that very last sentence because what you want is for it to definitely be clear that their stories are connected. Pointing out the obvious by saying it's not immediately clear does nothing for your blurb and lessens the impact of that last statement, which I'm assuming is meant to be the hook that draws people in.

So I read your Chapter Zero, and immediately I noticed that the characters are some kind of intelligent, furry animal. I wish you would have described what the animal looked like rather than have that image of the outline of them stuck randomly in the middle of the chapter, that's a big turn off. Images within a story like this put me off pretty quickly, but moving on. To sum up this "prologue," these creatures are living in an area that is experiencing pretty severe climate change. They have to move into somebody else's territory, apparently, and they're nervous about that. I mean, what is there to say? I can see the appeal it might have to people who enjoy the genre, but I'm not interested so far. Also, at the end of the part, they mention something about "my creatures." Is that to make people assume that they're leaders of some "creatures," or is it to imply other creatures of the same species? Confusing.

SO IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING THIS REVIEW, I STOPPED ACCEPTING FANTASY STORIES TO REVIEW. I WAS GOING TO CONTINUE BUT IT'S NOT FAIR TO YOU FOR ME TO CONTINUE REVIEWING, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE BIAS I MENTIONED BELOW. I CAME INTO THIS REVIEW WITH A BAD ATTITUDE AND YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT, BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DELETE ALL THAT I'VE WRITTEN SO FAR SO I'LL PUBLISH IT AS IS. IF YOU STILL WANT SOMEBODY TO REVIEW YOUR STORY, THERE IS A READING LIST ON MY PROFILE THAT WILL HELP YOU WITH THAT. I HAVE A TON OF REVIEW BOOKS IN THERE THAT ARE OR WERE RECENTLY OPEN. THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING, AND AGAIN, SORRYSORRYSORRY.

NOTES: Fantasy is not my thing. I don't like it, don't typically enjoy it, and so I will admit there will probably be a bias as I start reading this.

I noticed that you enter your story in a lot of contests and have your story added to reading lists on official wattpad profiles. This gives me the impression that you're not looking for criticism or improvement, you're looking for recognition because you feel your work deserves the recognition and is worthy of winning contests. You say you want people to make you cry in your description, yet even as you say that, I'm getting a super over-confident (even cocky) vibe. Huge turn-off but whatever.

OVERALL: Your grammar is good, description is good, but the rating I'm giving is simply my opinion. I feel this story isn't bad, but it doesn't stand out, so I'm putting it right in the middle of the scale.

RATING: 5/10