Embracing Rain

18 - Noah

1 8 - N O A H

I rush into Mugs and Kisses a few mornings later on a verge of a panic attack. I'm not entirely sure how I got here or when I left my house, but I can't bring myself to care. The moment she sees me, Emma drops whatever she's doing and rushes over. "What's wrong?" she asks frantically, biting her lip as she examines my face. "Why aren't you at school?"

"I couldn't sleep last night. At all. I spent the whole night turning my lights on and off every two minutes because of the walls and the darkness and I had the door open, but I was still freaking out." My breaths come short and rapid bursts, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, and my eyes are burning with the effort of holding back my unshed tears. There's a pain in my chest, too, that's not really related to my heart as far as I can tell. It just hurts.

"What happened?"

"I went to see the therapist person again yesterday. It's not like they did anything bad, but it just made me remember again. Talking with Chance helped me a lot and I was finally able to manage the fear, but then the therapist brought it up yesterday and I just couldn't stop thinking about it." My breathing is a little calmer now, but I can still feel my heart pounding rapidly. It's starting to make my chest hurt even more, and every time it beats, I curl a little further into myself, trying to run away from the pain.

"Why didn't you call me? Or Chance? Why didn't you come here?" she asks accusingly, and I flinch, even though I know she doesn't mean any harm. I just get really jumpy when I'm tired. Everything seems harsher than it normally does, I freak out more easily, and small noises really annoy me because I'm too tired to filter them out, or something. It's like all my senses get heightened, and there's no way to turn them down.

"I was doing so well," I argue, my voice somehow strong and shaky at the same time. "I didn't want to bother you guys and I didn't want to end my good streak by giving in. I had been able to sleep in my room for days, Emma. Days! Three days in a row without freaking out. Three days sleeping all the way through the night. But I guess trying not to give up didn't work very well because I'm as tired as heck."

Emma sighs in frustration. "This isn't about maintaining a good streak, Noah. This isn't Snapchat. This about your health. You really should have called one of us." She must see the uncomfortable expression on my face, because her glare softens. "Look, obviously this therapy thing isn't working out. And that's okay. It's not for everyone. I think it's really great that you were willing to try. But you still need to talk to someone, even if you're not talking to a professional therapist. Can I call Chance and have him come over here?"

I shake my head resolutely. "I don't want to bother him—"

"Has he ever told you that you're bothering him when you confide in him?" I shake my head, reluctantly this time. She gives me a snarky look. "I didn't think so. I'm calling him. Please let him help you. He worries about you, you know. He gets worried when you don't talk to him, and that's more of an inconvenience to him than talking is."

I scowl at her and stomp over to the couch while she calls, curling up next to the fire and grabbing a book in hopes of distracting myself. But I find myself skimming over the words without absorbing any of the meaning, so I put the book down, discouraged, and curl up in a fetal position.

"He's coming over as soon as he can," Emma tells me. "I'm going back to work. I need to do an inventory check. Please don't run off."

"Fine," I grumble, watching her disappear into the back room. She starts making a racket by shifting tons of boxes around, and with each scrape or crash, the sound seems to drill deeper and deeper into my skull until it's so aggravating that I want to scream. I know it's not really that loud, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, each noise gets on my nerves. I feel like a ticking time bomb, and I'm about to explode when Chance finally walks in the door a few minutes later.