Miscellanea

Insecurities

Insecurities: friend or foe?
The answer to this, I'll never know.
As I lay awake, I think of you
And all the things you make me do.

Enjoying life and having fun
Takes away the mental gun.
I point at my head, ready to fire.
There it is burning, this awful desire.

Laying awake when I usually sleep,
Wanting to cut and leave it deep.
Hating myself, both mind and body
Forcing myself to feel so groggy.

All I want is reassurance,
Without me asking with reoccurrence.
I think of you and all we've done,
Yet can't help wonder: how long 'til I'm shunned?
Shunned from myself for my selfish desire.
Shunned from you; deserved friendly fire.

Though I know it's all in my head,
I can't help but feel like wanting to be dead.
I don't want to be here, not here, not now.
Always by myself wondering how:
How could I let myself become this?
How could I ever re-enact what I miss?
How can I see myself in the mirror
Without wanting my body to become clearer.
All I see is an image fogged.
All I see is myself, a frog.

I never tell you this, it's my own little secret.
You never ask, so you won't have to keep it.
I see you and wonder why you put up with me
When I'm fucked in the head while you're full of glee.

I always wonder how long you'll take to leave.
Just how long until you finally see:
See me as I am: a stupid bitch.
See what I am: a scratch with no itch.

I want to hate you for never knowing,
But I can't because I know I never bothered showing.
Keeping it here locked deep inside,
I hold it close like a precious prize.
I do not want others to see
My hidden insecurities.

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