The Choices We Make

Prologue

"Marry me."

Those words hung heavy in the air between DJ, Yanna and the three-month old baby girl who was thrust into her arms and she managed to rock to sleep. 

It was unexpected. As all proposals usually went where one or both lovers end up in tears. 

But they were at a baptismal reception of DJ's niece. Or at the end of it because they were already packing up the venue. And the entire time, when his relatives would come up and say hi, they never failed to ask intrusive questions that could have pressured him to propose so suddenly.

The four month old baby's mother, DJ's cousin, rushed to her, murmuring apologies before scooping the baby from her arms. Yanna smoothed down her dress, her hands lingering a little over her belly at the prospect of having her own child--their child.

"You don't have to answer," DJ said, his face reddening, noticing she had gone silent. "Yet," he quipped. "I didn't know what came over me. I don't even have a ring to give you…" he trailed off, scratching his nape.

Yanna smiled, heading towards an empty table, hoping they could talk privately. It wasn't the ideal setup for announcements but she had to make do. 

To be honest, she didn't care about the ring. Or the logistics of the proposal. Or his relatives being nosy. She loved DJ and every moment of being with him. They have endured and withstood the challenges of being in a long-distance relationship— him in Tarlac, her in Manila. They found the secret to stay together amidst the distance. 

Constant communication and compromise was the answer. With Yanna doing most of the compromising as she didn't have a space of her own yet. She couldn't invite him over the condo unit she shared with her colleagues, could she? 

So when they synced their schedules, DJ would often travel to Manila to pick her up, commute together to Tarlac, and he'd ride the bus with her again going back to Manila despite her protests. Other times, if they could score huge discounts at a nice hotel, they'd opt for a staycation instead. But they both didn't want to spend on unnecessary things. It's also one of the many values they shared.

It was tiring. Their choice on how to spend time. But they made the most out of the leaves they had. They made it work. Somehow.

But she wasn't sure if the same arrangements could be followed in marrying him.

Not that she didn't want to marry him.

"It's just...you look so...lovely with Patrice sleeping in your arms just now," DJ sighed wistfully. "And I couldn't help but think I want that. For us."

Yanna swallowed and went for nonchalance. She had several announcements to make too. But she had to know his stand on...things. "Perfect timing. The condo unit I've been paying for will be turned over the next month," she said, heart racing. "Maybe you could move in with me to...you know, start building our family." That was one off the list.

The look he gave her was the answer she had already expected. And it still stung. Not that she could blame him. His family was here. In a compound in Ligtasan, Tarlac. She knew asking him to uproot himself and be with her in Manila would be a hard bargain.

DJ wiped his face with his hands. "I'm still sending Denise to school. One more semester and she's done. And I just got promoted too, Yanna." He left it at that, but she knew there were more reasons why he couldn't leave.

And she understood him. Really.

But she couldn't always be the one compromising. She had dreams for herself which were coming into fruition beginning with the condominium turnover.

Just like DJ, Yanna had her reasons why she couldn't leave the metro. 

"So you think with our current set-up, we could settle down," she stated, challenging him.

"Live with me, here, Yanna." He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "We don't have to pay rent here. And there are relatives who can help with the kids, should we decide to have one."

"You're asking me to leave my job that I have put so much effort in in the last five years, DJ." Yanna gave him a bitter smile as she tugged her hand free from his hold. They’d had many fights in the three years they had been together. This was one topic she was never going to back down.

He let her hand slip. But he held her eyes with a pleading look. "You're asking me to leave my family behind," he countered. 

"Didn't you say you want us to have our own family?"

"Yes. Here. Where there are people who can support us."

"You don't think there are people who can support us in Manila? How do you think I managed to survive even without my parents or relatives?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

Yanna looked down on her hands and sighed. "Then I guess we've reached an impasse."

"What do you mean?" DJ sounded and looked alarmed.

"I'm saying that I'll need time."

"So you're breaking up with me?" he whispered, incredulous.

"I didn't say that—"

"It sounds that way to me."

Yanna reached out and laid a hand on his cheek. "Neither of us wants to give up a life. Not right now." 

Not right now, she prayed in her head that her delayed period didn’t mean anything and was just caused by stress. 

Not right now. 

Because if she were indeed pregnant, it was equivalent to DJ winning the argument by default. 

DJ closed his eyes, slightly turned his head towards her hand, covered it with his and breathed in. "If I knew it would come to this, I wouldn't have dropped that question." He opened his eyes and looked at her sadly.

Yanna gently rubbed her thumb over his lips. "I'll find you when I'm ready. Or you can come to me when you are."

"You know I love you, right?"

"And I love you, too," she smiled before planting a chaste kiss on his lips.

With aching clarity, she realized that the love they had was indeed strong. For them both to easily come into terms with needing space for now.

But not strong enough to make that major choice that would change their lives forever.

Marry me.

The words bounced around Yanna’s head as she stared at the third Pregnancy Test she used upon returning to the shared unit in Manila. 

All three gave her two red lines.

Marry me.

An overwhelming urge to call DJ gripped her. 

But she stamped it down by taking deep, calming breaths for several minutes. Informing DJ about it would just cause unnecessary panic. And it would bring them right back to their argument that ended with her asking for time away. If she told him that she might be pregnant, she would lose the chance to prove her point.

With renewed resolve and a nod at her own reflection in the mirror, Yanna squared her shoulders and told herself she could do this on her own.