The Choices We Make

Chapter 14

Yanna

When the door creaked open, Yanna realized she had unknowingly fallen asleep with Jaydee. It surprised her, how DJ’s mere essence on the bed could relax her and actually put her to sleep. Now she knew why their son would doze off within minutes whenever DJ rocked him to sleep. It was like inhaling diffused lavender.

But she kept still, kept her eyes closed as she listened to DJ quietly approach the bed where she and the baby slept. She felt him gently brush her hair, planting a quick kiss to her head before gingerly patting Jaydee’s leg. And then she felt the mattress dip down near her feet.

Only then did she decide to open her eyes to see him sitting at the edge of the bed, watching them.

His eyes met hers. And in that moment, it was as if a meaningful yet wordless conversation took place. He was the first to avert his eyes, fixing his gaze on their son.

“We grew up without a father,” he began, a revelation Yanna wasn’t expecting yet in those few words, she finally understood the deeper reason for his abrupt resignation. “Not sure if anyone already told you, considering the number of family events you’ve been to.” He smiled tightly then and Yanna wasn’t sure if it was caused by a bitter memory, or the present situation he was in. 

“He worked in Saudi and only came home once, for two weeks, every two years. A few days before Mama was due to give birth to the twins, he came home. Told us he’d stay for good. I was happy. He and Mama had a fight because he was the only breadwinner. Her heart rate shot up. The next thing we knew, she had to undergo C-Sec operation. She...she didn’t make it. The twins did. But Mama didn’t.”

The parallelism of his parents’ situation to theirs was eerie, Yanna found herself sitting up, feeling like something lodged itself in her throat.

“Papa blamed himself for what happened. He was unable to recover from the guilt and the grief. Every passing day, it was like watching him waste away. What little time he was able to spend with me when he wasn’t intoxicated, I lapped up. Even if that was only him giving me a pat on the head whenever he asked me to buy him cans of beer, if my memory serves me right. The twins were still toddlers when Papa died from complications due to severe pancreatitis so they practically don’t remember anything about him.”

“I’m sorry.” Not knowing how she was able to move, Yanna already found herself wrapping her arms around DJ. “I’m sorry it happened.”

Absentmindedly, he gave her arm a pat. “I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry it took me this long to realize I’m becoming my father.”

Yanna repositioned herself on the bed so that she was sitting on her heels in front of DJ. She cupped his face, forcing his blank eyes to meet hers. “DJ, you are not your father. You’re far too strong to waste away your life. I get it. I finally get it. You just don’t want for Jaydee to grow up without a father like how your sisters did, right? And that’s okay. That’s perfectly okay.”

When he remained unblinking, she gave him a hard kiss, hoping it would get him to talk about what seemed to be repressed memories and bottled-up emotions. “I’m here, Jaydee and I are here. That’s why we’re here. I’m sorry if I invalidated your feelings. You were right, I was acting like this whole thing’s a project. I failed to see the things that truly matter.  You matter to us, DJ.”

DJ

Something moved against his cheek. When DJ cracked an eye open, his son was in the middle of the single bed, surrounded by pillows. While he was curled on the edge of the bed, his head resting on Yanna’s lap. 

You matter to us, DJ.

He remembered hearing her words that was enough to obliterate all the exhaustion he had been trying to keep under control the past days. It was like a salve that relaxed his muscles he had quickly dozed off for a nap, it seemed.