More Than Imagined

Chapter 28

Rhoawyn let Jazara go with a little force, leaving her pliant body to sway before it stopped in front of her. They watched each other in silence for a long while. Neither daring to speak.

"So you're one of them? You're a Mare?" Rhoawyn asked. Her eyes were puffy, and her face was so sullen Jazara almost didn't want to reply. But she knew she had to. She couldn't avoid it any longer.

"I'm not a Mare!" Jazara urged. "I was only working with them, I swear." She held her hands to her face, in a phantom attempt to block whatever strike Rhoawyn might send her way. Because she deserved to be struck—to be hurt—as she had hurt them. But it didn't come. Rhoawyn was the picture of passive. She looked so drained. So done.

"Just why would you do it? What did you gain from betraying us? What did we ever do to you?"

Jazara had never known herself to be timid, to be weak-willed. But when she looked into Rhoawyn's eyes, she realized all that strength she had built up might have just been fear. She was afraid to admit her wrongdoing. To admit that she had been used—been duped. To admit that she had been the loser in this deal she made with Luci, even though she had gotten the vengeance she wanted on a man she hated. On a man who had hurt her. She should have been happy—satisfied. But she wasn't.

"I-I" Jazara stuttered, mustering up enough strength to face the hatred she was sure she would see reflected in Rhoawyn's eyes when she confessed.

"I gave away the location of the dreamcatcher. It was my plan all along to give it to her. My plan since the beginning. But I decided this before I even knew any of you. I never meant for..." Flinch to die. "I needed her to do this for me. Needed her to get rid of him. You wouldn't understand-"

"I wouldn't understand? You can't be serious, Jazara! How could you possibly know that if you never told me?" Rhoawyn yelled, dark brown cheeks puffing in the anger Jazara knew was coming. In the anger she knew she deserved.

But something about seeing it play out unsettled Jazara—made her want to fight against it, even if it was righteous. Rhoawyn's eyes were fury-filled, and Jazara had never seen her so incensed. As if she had done nothing wrong in her life. As if she could ever wrestle with, or understand, Jazara's need for revenge.

"There was no point telling you. Your reaction would have been the same. All of your reactions would be the same, " Jazara defended.

A silent, suffocating stillness enveloped them until Jazara sliced through it with a defeated sigh.

"When you look at me, what do you see?" Jazara demanded, fists shaking in desperation. She knew the question made probably made no sense. The confused knit to Rhoawyn's brow was more of a tell than any.

"What do you mean?"

"When you look at me, what do you see?"

Rhoawyn frowned but answered anyway. "I see you, Jazara. The girl who betrayed us. The girl who set us up. The girl who got Flinch killed. The girl who resents me for no reason." Rhoawyn fumed, her chest rising and falling rapidly for a few moments before calming on the latter end of a sigh as if letting all of her resentment go in one breath.

"But before today, I saw you as someone stronger than me. Someone who would do anything to win. Someone who would help me even if she didn't want to. Someone grappling with things I didn't understand but-"

"No, you don't!" Jazara yelled. "You don't see me. Not the real me. You see some weak girl that needs to be saved. That can't get the job done on her own."

"That's not true..."Rhoawyn tried, reaching out to Jazara only to be shoved away.

"It is true! Ever since I brought up my life before I Departed, since I brought up being a Two, you stopped looking at me. You stopped seeing me. Now when you look at me, all you can picture is someone who needs pity. Someone who can't do anything on their own." Someone you can't trust.

"But I'm not weak. And I wasn't going to lose again. So, I helped her. That's right, I helped the Mares undermine our plan because I refused to lose to him for a second longer. And Luci was the only one, is still the only one who sees me for who I really am. She didn't look down on me."

"So you think you've won? Luci took care of whoever wronged you, and so it's a big win? What about the aftereffects of that victory, huh? Is it a win that you betrayed us? Is it a win that now countless Apex citizens will die now that they have the dreamcatcher? Is it a win that Flinch is dead?" Rhoawyn berated at the top of her lungs, tears rolling down her cheeks—an open faucet for her anger.

Jazara said nothing, though. She watched Rhoawyn unbudging in her belief—her convictions.

It was unexpected when it happened. When her knees buckled under the weight of her own guilt. Guilt that she hadn't even recognized building inside, crumbling her from the inside out. It's my fault he's dead.

"Flinch died because of you! Because all of you were too weak to protect him. Because you lost to the Mares," Jazara heaved, tears flowing just as freely as Rhoawyn's now. She didn't expect what happened next.

"You're right, I was too weak. We lost, and now Flinch is..." Rhoawyn hiccuped, "and that's on me, at least partly. But it's on you, too."

Jazara cupped her palms to her face, trying to force her tears back inside. I know. I messed up. I'm sorry.

They both sat in the clearing, washing away their failures—their grief—in body-wracking cries until they were weak.

In small, filtering movements, Rhoawyn crawled over to where Jazara was slumped and placed a hand in her hair, then another as she pulled Jazara to her—cradling her in the tightest embrace she could muster.

"We screwed up, Jazara. And Flinch paid the price," Rhoawyn started.

"They'll never forgive me. He'll never forgive me," Jazara mumbled.

"Well, if there's any guarantee we Imaginaries have, it's that we're on borrowed time. We know we'll have to give it back someday," Rhoawyn said, seemingly trying to take the burden of guilt off of Jazara's shoulders.

"I can't believe you're actually saying something smart," Jazara said wetly, unsure how she could even manage a jab at Rhoawyn in her current state.

"Well, they're not my words. They're Flinch's. He told me when I was having a hard time accepting being an Imaginary. Now I'm telling you so you'll have an easier time processing his loss. Our loss."

And Jazara wasn't going to say this out loud, not after revealing so many weaknesses in one night, but it did help. At least I can rely on you for something, Rhoa.

"The guys will forgive you, too... eventually. You just need to give it time."

"What makes you think that?" Jazara asked, disbelieving.

"Because I get it. Why you did it. Why you would want revenge and justice for something horrible that happened to you at the hand of someone else. And even after how everything turned out... I forgive you," Rhoawyn assured, pulling back to look Jazara in her red-rimmed eyes.

"And I see you. Not as someone who needs pity. But as someone who loses sometimes on their journey to win."