Let's Talk Boobs

Anonymous, 34

Post-breastfeeding

My relationship with my breasts, prior to having children and breastfeeding was what felt like in my mind very normal. I viewed them as sexual organs, I knew and planned most of my adult life to breastfeed when I had babies. For the most part, I have always been content with the size of my breasts and how they look. I felt like my body was well proportioned. Prior to getting pregnant, I had a healthy relationship, I had no problems with my breasts being touched or looked at during times of intimacy. 

When I got pregnant with my first child, in early parts of the pregnancy my breasts were very tender. It was painful to even wear bras, so I had asked my husband to refrain from touching them. As my pregnancy progressed I had pretty significant breast changes, they looked much different than pre-pregnancy, and although some of the initial discomfort/tenderness had gone away,  I continued to not want them to be viewed/used as sexual organs. It would make me cringe if there was any attempt to touch them. After I delivered, I was breastfeeding right away, and at this point I no longer viewed my breasts as sexual organs. They were there for one purpose and that was to provide nutrition to the baby. On top of it, I was an over producer, so it felt like I was leaking constantly, feeling engorged and oftentimes in pain. I had clogged ducts and even 2 episodes of mastitis that I dealt with within the first 6 months of breastfeeding. 

When my older child was 7 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. I continued to breastfeed until my first was 12 months old and was able to move on to cow milk. A few months later, I had my second baby, and my milk production really never stopped. I was able to nurse him the day I delivered and was already producing milk, so there was no "dry period" for my body. After delivering my second baby, I produced so much right away, that within 5 days I developed mastitis. This mastitis was so severe that traditional antibiotics did not resolve it, I had an egg sized lump that was not budging despite antibiotics and all the traditional measures. I had to continue to breastfeed my baby as he was not latching to bottles, pacifiers, and he was also fighting off RSV so needed all the antibodies he could get. 

After a 3 month battle in recovering from this mastitis, my breasts at this point have been fully devoted to the baby. 17 months went by, and my last baby self weaned off breastfeeding. At this point, my husband was excited about the possibility of going back to the way things were pre-pregnancy and the possibility of my breasts being sexual organs again. Unfortunately, mentally I was far from that state. Although my breasts looked different from how they were in their "original" state, I did not have issues with their appearance or shape. However, the thought of touch and even more so any sort of kissing or mouth connection brought me back to the past 3 years, where I had spent day and night as a human pacifier. 

A year went by, and mentally I was not going back to the sexual organ perception. At this point, I was going to therapy, and I continued to feel very over touched on a day to day basis that my marriage and intimacy was very affected by this. The combination of therapy and getting into using certain cannabis products has helped me to find coping mechanisms of getting past the mental issues I was having with intimacy in general, and I now allow some touch/use of my breasts as sexual organs. However, I still cannot allow any sort of kissing/mouth-to-breast action, to me that just brings back the feelings in my head that I had while breastfeeding. I don't think I will ever get past that, and it is something that has forever changed my relationship with my breasts, as well as intimacy.