When Storm Clouds Hover

47: Izzy - It's time

The operation hadn't gone as well as hoped and Dana's condition deteriorated rapidly. With every visit to the hospital, Izzy became more and more concerned. Her mum had lost a lot of weight and wasn't breathing well. Her skin tone was also completely off. It wasn't more than a couple of days that Izzy was home before her mum was released from the hospital. Though everyone was worried, her Mum was determined that she wanted to go home, to sleep in her own bed with her family surrounding her.

On the day of her Mum leaving hospital, Izzy's Dad was advised that Dana didn't have much time left—just a couple of days. The whole family were thrown into shock. They'd all been trying so hard to come to terms with Dana's terminal diagnosis and six month prognosis, that it hadn't occurred to any of them, that they would lose her so soon.

Having her mum home at last did provide Izzy some special bonding time. Though visitors poured to Dana's bedside, they were careful not to overstay their welcome. All her friends were being so kind, calling up to check on her and bringing over food, so that the family didn't need to worry about cooking. It was so kind. For the couple of days that they had left, Izzy lay in her mum's bed, with her homework spread across the blanket and tried to talk about normal things. Atilla was firmly planted at the end of the bed and Mia and her grandmother were also there in the room. They barely left Dana's bedside.

Izzy couldn't help but notice, her mum was coughing a lot and she'd lost her appetite and was drinking only Lucozade. Izzy's dad hovered, coming in and out of the room. He seemed to be busy organising things, but Izzy wasn't so sure, what. He seemed so lost, and he barely spoke. They all knew time was running out.

On the last night, the family gathered around the bed as Izzy and Mia gave their mum a kiss goodnight. They both suspected it was the last time they'd be lucky enough to do this. Their Mum was so weak now. Of course, no one wanted to acknowledge the finality of the moment, so Izzy held back tears and a terrible urge not to beg to stay at her mum's bedside. 'See you tomorrow,' she said instead.

As she walked away from the bed, Izzy stopped at the door and turned back. Her mum held her eyes steady in her gaze, then lifted her hand, put her thumb on her nose, and waggled her fingers. Her eyes were twinkling, and she smiled a weak smile. Izzy smiled back at her and waved.

As she moved into the corridor, Izzy focused on keeping her legs moving until she could fall into bed.

Walk. Just walk.

Mia and Izzy had decided to spend the night in Mia's double bed. They both tried to sleep but sleep eluded them. They were both utterly petrified and there was nothing that either of them could think to say, to console each other. Mia sobbed, and Izzy held her.

Earlier that day their mum had asked Michael to get her jewelry box out of the safe and she'd gathered the family around the bed, as she shared her precious possessions between her two daughters. It was an act of finality that Izzy had tried to reject but her mum had pulled her close and firmly folded her fingers around the precious parcel of jewels. It was done with such care and love, that Izzy couldn't say no. Now lying-in bed, waiting, waiting, Izzy rolled the words her Mum had said to her around in her mind. 'Be happy my darling. That is my greatest wish for you.'

Later that night, when they had both fallen into a fitful sleep, their Gran came to wake them.

'It's time, darlings,' she whispered calmly in the dark.

Mia woke with a start and immediately started hyperventilating. Izzy held her and soothed her, until they both found the courage to walk down the corridor following Nan. When Izzy walked into her mum's room, she could tell that Dana was no longer conscious. She looked small in the bed, and her breathing was raspy and deep.

Attila fretted quietly beside her, their dad hadn't the heart to take him away. A lady who Izzy didn't recognise was in the room. Her Dad explained she was from the hospice and that she'd come to help the family say goodbye. Without a word, the lady stepped forward and guided Izzy and Mia towards their mum's bedside. As she leaned forward to hug her Mum, she noticed how fragile and distant she'd become, as if she'd already left the world. Izzy turned her head and kissed her Mum on the cheek. 'I love you,' she said between tears. Mia followed suit and then Izzy took her sister's hand in hers.

As the hospice lady led the family in The Lord's Prayer, Izzy focused on the words. It'd been a long time since she'd said that prayer and had forgotten how comforting it was. For the longest time, the family stood beside the bed, holding onto each other, until their dad spoke in a choked voice. 'She's gone, my darlings'.

Izzy felt an overwhelming weakness come over her. She sat on the end of the bed; waves of anxiety washing over her. She couldn't tell for how long she sat there, then there were more people in the room that she didn't know. They'd come to take her Mum's body.

Izzy picked Attila up and they all moved from the bedroom to the lounge in a slow shuffle. The little dog whimpered and writhed in her arms. She tried her best to comfort him. Izzy sat down on the sofa next to Mia and eventually, Atilla calmed down and settled in her lap.

'Shall I put the kettle on?' their gran asked. She was hovering over them as if uncertain what to do. Their dad paced up and down across the living room and didn't seem to hear the request. Mia and Izzy smiled. It was such a Nan thing to do; make a cup of tea.

'Why not?' said Mia looking up at their Nan, her eyes red and cheeks tear stained.

Their mum would have done the same.

After tea, Izzy noticed her dad quietly slipping out of the room. He took care of everything that needed doing that night and re-joined them in the living room when all was quiet in the house. No one in the family cried another tear that night. In place of tears, Izzy felt a terrible emptiness, something like fear but not like she'd ever felt before. It was something indescribable. There was nothing to worry about anymore because the worst had happened. Her mum had gone and left a wounding, gaping hole in her heart that was inconceivable, would ever mend.

'What are we supposed to do now,' she asked helplessly to no one in particular.

'In these things, there is no choice,' Nan said in response. 'Your mum's gone but we are still here. We are alive and the living must live.'

Izzy hugged her grandmother tight. 'You're right,' she said. 'Mum will always be with us.'

Izzy remembered in that moment, that she had made a promise to her mum to be happy. This was far harder said than done but she knew she was going to try her best. She absorbed her family's collective strength and as the day was breaking, took herself to bed, steeling her inner resolve to face the coming weeks.