forever winter (3)

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after the funeral was over my mom and dad drove me back home. the car ride was silent. my parents kept trying to talk to me but i was to sad to answer.

"are you okay y/n?" my mom asked as she looked in the rear view mirror. i just shrugged and kept looking out the window.

"you can talk to us y/n. we're here for you" my dad said

"i know" i mumbled.

once we got back to the house i went straight to my room and stayed there for the rest of the night. i was too depressed to change. i was depressed to eat. i was too depressed to do anything.

i laid on my bed facing the ceiling and just staring at it. i was zoned out. i didn't even here my mom enter the room until she sat down on my bed.

"y/n?" she said softly. i turned the other way so i wasn't facing her.

"go away mom" i mumbled.

"i know you don't want me here but you know you can talk to me right?" she said softly. my eyes started to fill with tears and silently fall down my face.

"i know" i said just above a whisper.

"what's in your mind baby" my mom said. i turned to face her and she saw the tears streaming down my face.

"oh baby come here it's okay" she said as she pulled me in her lap.

"but it's not okay mom—he's gone" i said. it was still awkward for me to say.

"i know baby. i promise it will get better" she said as she rubbed my back. i just cried in her arms and she held me until we both fell asleep.

it was around 3am when i shot up out of dead sleep. i had a bad dream. it was about james. i went back to school and everyone was saying it was my fault he was dead. i know it was just a dream but i'm kind of starting to believe it.

i looked over to my side and saw my mom was sleeping so i quietly and quickly shuffled out of bed and went to my bathroom that was connected to my room. now i've never self harmed. i just never had a reason to. now was different. i had a reason to.

i looked around my bathroom looking for something that would give me pain. my eyes landed on the razor in my shower. i quickly grabbed the razor and took the blade out of the razor.

i held the blade in my shaky hands. tears streaming down my face. i made a cut on my inner thigh for everytime i didn't see that james was struggling. in a matter of minutes the was blood all over the floor seeping from the many cuts on my thighs. but that didn't stop me.

taylor's pov

i stirred in my sleep and woke up. this usually happens to me around 3am because that's just how my body worked. i felt around for y/n but she was no where. the bed was empty. i was met with a cold mattress and no y/n. i sat up in the bed and looked around the room i saw the bathroom light on so i just assumed she went to the bathroom until i heard her cries.

i got up from the bed and walked over to the door and knocked.

"y/n you okay in there?" i asked. no answer. i knocked again. still no answer. i got worried so i tried to if the door was unlocked it was.

"y/n i'm coming in." i said as i opened the door.  when i saw y/n my jaw dropped.

your pov

as i was about to make another cut the door flung open. it startled me so i cut deeper then i intended to. as i winced i looked up and there i saw my mom standing.

"oh baby no no no" she said as she ran over to me and crouched down.

"mom i—you weren't supposed to see this..." i said.

"y/n baby give me the blade" she said softly but sternly. i shook my head.

"mom i deserve it. it's my fault" i said.

"what's your fault baby?" she said.

"james is dead and it's all my fault. i could i not see the signs?? he gave so many mom" i said as i let out a sob.

"hey hey hey. it is not your fault at all okay? trust me. please don't get that in your head baby. if anything it was those bullies at school" my mom said. i just shook my head.

"y/n please give me the blade" my mom said. i was still holding the blade in my bloody, shaky hand. i looked at the blade then at her. i gave in and gave her the blade.

"thank you baby" she said and she flushed the blade.

"MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? MOM NO!" i screamed as i saw it go down the toilet.

"it's for your well-being y/n" she said. i just stared at the toilet as tears streamed down my face and blood fell from my legs.

"y/n we gotta get those cleaned up" my mom said.

"i'll do it myself get away from me." i said. i pushed past her and grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink in the kitchen.

i carefully cleaned my legs and bandaged them as my mom watched me. after i finished i felt ashamed of myself. had i really just done that? me, taylor swift and travis kelce's daughter? i'm a failure.

i began to break down. how could i be so stupid. i felt arms wrap around me. i was too tired to fight back.

"shhh it's gonna be okay" my mom said.

"i'm sorry mom. i should have done that. are you mad?" i asked

"hey you have nothing to be sorry for. okay? and i would never be mad at you! worried? yes. but i am not mad" she said as she looked me in my eyes.

i nodded my head and my mom carried me back to bed. she laid with me and we fell asleep on my bed.

____________

taylor's pov

i woke up to sun peaking through the curtains. i looked around and saw i was in y/n's room and the scenes from last night began swirling in my head. my breathing starting to pick up so i quickly left the room and went to travis and i's room because i could not let y/n see me cry.

i ran into the room and closed the door behind me. i saw that travis was still sleeping. i felt bad for waking him up but i needed him.

"travis?" i say as i shake him. "travis please wake up i need you" i said as i let out a sob.
he stirred in his sleep and opened his eyes and immediately saw the look on my face a knew something was wrong.

"what happened baby? what's wrong? why are you crying?" he asked. he pulled me into his arms and i just cried. how could my daughter be so ashamed of herself and think the death of her friend is her fault?

"it's y/n trav" i said.

"what happened? is she okay" he asked. i shook my head against his chest.

"she cut herself trav.." i said. i was getting so worked up i was making myself sick. travis froze when i said that. then he got back to reality.

"tay it's okay. but you need to breathe you're going to make yourself sick" he said.

i was crying so hard that i began to gag. travis quickly scooped me up and rushed me to the bathroom.

"hey you're okay. let it all out" he said as he rubbed my back. i felt miserable. but most of all i feel like i failed as a mother.

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