YOONMIN : Beautiful encounter

Part 1

2010

NAMJOON: The longing

I tried to calm myself down when I heard the loud crowd outside the quiet room. I've always wanted this, I tried convincing myself. I should have been used to this by now.

My hand started to tremble as I stood up, and started walking towards the exit doors, but soon chickened out and sat down again. I've been through this every weekend, but I was always afraid of loud people who listened to me.

People are no good, I thought to myself.

They hurt you so easily. And it hurts every time, even though I hear the same words all over again.

You're never going to succeed. You can't, right?

I shake my head and frown. I never really cared about what people think about me, but as time flew by I found myself being more and more protective of my music. It was just a part of something I was, part of my fate. It was not just a little detail in my life that was meant to fade away quickly. Rap defined me and I hoped that someday people will say that I define rap.

"Honey, it's your turn," said my girlfriend Jiwon, as her cute head popped out of the closet.

I smiled at her nervously and took a step closer to her, closer to the door that lead me to my underground career. She crossed her arms behind my neck and gave me a light peck on the lips.

"Don't worry. You are very talented, even though you don't look good," she said with a smile and my heart dropped a bit.

I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, but she did. For years I've been trying to not care about my appearance, but sadly failed. People always said that I'm talented, but not talented enough to hide that my face is just... average. It was hurting me every day knowing that my music just wasn't good enough.

I faked a smile.

"Alright babe, I'll go now. Wish me luck."

She nodded and opened the door for me.

As soon as I set my foot on the stage, I turned in the whole other person. I started smiling and waving, because nobody really wanted a depressed rapper. Nobody really wanted the real me or my story. Fuck, even I hated myself.

My friend Zico, who was on the stage before me introduced me to the crowd with a soft smile on his face. People went wild when they heard my name and I felt my body heat up a little.

"Hit it!" I shouted, not shy anymore, because I was positive I won't mess this up.

I loved it too much.

I heard the song that started to play and recognized it immediately. It was Lose yourself by Eminem. I was kinda sad that they didn't choose my song this time, but opened my mouth anyways, rapping like thousand times before, feeling my heart beat to the sound of the music. The crowd followed me with their eyes and I could tell that they were judging me silently, wondering how I even had the guts to appear on the stage and dare to speak. But at that moment I didn't really care, even when I felt the panic rising in my head. At that moment I was with the love of my life and she calmed me down.

Music.

The song was close to an end but I didn't want to stop. I wanted to remain in that position forever with a mic in hands and all eyes on me. But I couldn't.

One day, I thought to myself, as I was walking away from the stage that I needed so much.

Jiwon was waiting for me in the back, surrounded with other rappers, one of them was lightly touching her hand and smirking at her. I just ignored it and started to pack my bags, as I heard my name being called.