Cookie

4

I go to the soccer field and get under the benches in my secret spot, wanting to simply enjoy the last 20 minutes of my break alone. I don't understand what just happened, why that guy would apologize to me, or why Liam would assume I was a bitch considering he doesn't even know me. I don't understand why Liam's words upset me so much and, honestly, I am terrified about slapping him. I never hit someone, not even when people called me much worse than he did, but somehow hearing him made me angry like never before.

No one in this college or town, as a matter of fact, knows me, they only know I am the girl whose sister died in a car accident, that's all. They don't know what I like, what I hate, my fears, my joys, my beliefs... They don't know me but they pick up on me just because Tiffany tells them to.

My parents told me to live my life, like this would be simple. I don't know how to do it, my whole existence was shared with Criss, whatever decision I ever made I consulted her first. I have never actually lived my own life, now it feels like my sister and I actually lived the same life. I don't really know what I like to do by myself. I know would like to have more friends, I would like to have more friends like Mary who could listen to me, bring me a coffee with milk and no sugar because she knows that's how I drink it, buy me fantasy books to read together and talk for hours about them. I want friends that will get me out of my house, but not to go get drunk and party like there's no tomorrow, but get me out for a walk in the park, go hiking, or playing video games somewhere. But where the hell I could find more people like Mary? 

How am I supposed to move on and start living my own life? Where should I start?

I hear the bell and I wipe my tears heading to my next class, literature, that's one of the few classes I have with Mary and I breathe in and out, then show my fake smile not wanting to let her know I was crying. The seat next to her is empty waiting for me and I walk to our table smiling, but she looks at me examining me. 

"You were crying" she simply says grabbing my hand and squeezing it. "Are you ok, twinkle? I swear to you one of these days I will kill that Tiffany bitch."

I smile as I always do when she calls me twinkle, she comes up with this nickname the first day we met when we were in primary school. Criss and I were wearing princess dresses with tons of sparkles on us, which obviously was not my idea or hers as a matter of fact, but our mom thought it will be cool to go dressed like that on our first day of school. That's when Mary approaches us calling me twinkle and Criss sparkle, that's when we become inseparable friends. 

"I am ok, Mary, don't worry about it, I am already used to shits like this, it's just that I talked with my parents this morning that made me think..."

She looks at me waiting for more information, for me to tell her what is this about, and as always I spill my soul to this girl without hesitation. She knows everything that goes through my mind, every tear, every fear, she knows me better than anyone ever knew me. 

"They told me to move on and start living, have fun, you know," I tell her and she nods. "And I just don't really know how to do that without Criss. I miss her, I feel like a lost puppy without her, Mary..."

I feel a tear escaping me and I close my eyes trying to stop others to follow through because once I start crying in class worse things will follow, I learned that the hard way. She lifts my head to make me look at her and I love that I don't see pity in her look, she never pitied me, she just looks at me with determination. 

"You're not a lost puppy, Nataly and you have to stop acting like you are. Look, when Criss was alive you shared everything with her, her hobbies were your hobbies, her friends your friends, her clothes your clothes. It's time to start thinking about your own hobbies, about making friends and going out where you want to go."