internet friends

i'm here - 20

She's been gone for a month now. I've started to feel a bit lonely, but I feel guilty for being upset. My girlfriend is doing incredible things right now, who am I to want her to be with me? It's not okay for me to hold her back. So I've started texting her less. I guess to soothe the pain, or to maybe just forget.

billie: i cant breathe

billie: i rlly need to talk to you

billie: please

I hit the FaceTime button and she accepts immediately. The sight of her hand in her hair, tugging at it, tears streaming down her face, her breathing erratic - it's breaking my heart. "I can't breathe, it won't work." Her face is bright red and she's hyperventilating. 

"It's okay, you are okay, you're safe, I promise. And I know it feels like you can't breathe, but I know you can. I need you to breathe for me, okay, baby?" I let my voice drop down to the soothing tone that I know she loves and may calm her. "Bil, I need you to put your hand on your stomach for me. Okay, good, good job, baby girl." I instruct her to breathe in deeply, she does, although it's shaky. "You're doing so good." 

I just wish I could be there to hold her and kiss her and tell her everything is going to be okay. It's really hard on tour, long distance is difficult, especially because the distances keep changing. "I'm so sorry," she whimpers. 

I shake my head. "Don't you do that to yourself, don't apologize for this. I need you to tell me five things you can see in front of you." I'm doing my best to distract her from whatever's happening in her head. "Five things, and that's it. I know you can do it."

"I... um, you, I can see you, and I... uh , I can see my... my blanket. My nail that fell off, and um, my..." I can see in her eyes that she's searching for words but can't quite find the right ones. "I can't do it."

I nod. "Love, can you tell me what's got you feeling like this?" I can hear her typing on the other end and the little bubble appears in our messages. 

billie: i keep having nightmares and i just constantly have this feeling that someone's behind me and it's ruining everything 

billie: and um

billie: there was this group of people at my show last night and they kept slurring at me and saying some really terrible shit

billie: normally it rolls right off me but it just got to me

billie: i feel like i'm getting weak

"You're so strong, I know sometimes it really doesn't feel like it, but I promise you are. You've been through a lot and I get that it's hard, but you cannot handle all of it on your own. There are millions of people who love you, including me and your family. We're always going to be here for you, okay? I promise, you'll never have to be alone." I know for sure that I'll never break it. I'll never let myself do that to her.  

The poor girl looks exhausted. She's hanging on to too much for anyone person to do. She's going to go insane if she keeps holding it all in. "This fucking hurts." 

"You're doing so well, I swear," I want to hold her. I really want to make her feel better. "I'm gonna text Claudia. She's there, isn't she?" She nods, not very obviously because she's still hiding her head in her knees. 

me: hey, billie just had some sort of anxiety attack and i obviously can't be there right now but would you mind giving her a few hugs? 

claudia: of course! i'll be right there :)

 On the screen I can see Claudia open the door and spot Billie on the floor, crouching down to wrap her arms around Billie. I make the executive decision right then and there that I'm going to fly out to see her. It's been so long since I've seen her and I miss her presence. I want to see my goofy girlfriend happy again, and maybe me showing up would be a good surprise for her. 

Claudia and Billie are mumbling between themselves. 

me: where will you guys be tomorrow?

finneas: Boston, why?

me: i'll be there, bil's not doing too great

"You're doing so well, babe, I promise everything's going to be fine." I swipe out of the call, putting them in picture-in-picture, and looking up flight tickets to Boston from L.A. It's expensive, but fuck it, my girlfriend needs me right now. 

She lets out a wail from her throat, burying her face in Claudia's shoulder. "I know," She whispers, rubbing Billie's back. I take out a few pairs of leggings, a couple shirts, hairbrush, a travel toothbrush and toothpaste. "I really miss you." 

"I miss you, too, you have no idea." I bit my lip in an attempt to hold back a grin, knowing my angel will be in my arms again tomorrow.