Sidemen + Co Oneshots

i'm angry - zerkaa

4255 words (I can't help myself)

Josh x Reader

Smut

Please don't hate me, I have nothing against Freya and think she should be protected at all costs, but ultimately I said what I said.

~~~

You felt awful. Horrible. Responsible. Guilty.

You knew deep down that there is no way in the world what happened was your fault, but that annoying nagging anxiety riddled feeling screamed otherwise.

Josh was your best friend for the last 14 years. You, Tobi and him used to cause an absolute ruckus at school, making it known you were a trio. Although you loved Tobi, Josh had always been closest to you. You just got each other. You thought maybe for a couple of months way back in the early days there could've been something more than friendship, but that was deleted, erased and removed from your mind, brought down to puppy love in your early teens. As you grew, he did too, and you were the yin to his yang. Pff. Please. Did the Sidemen fans really think Josh planned the entire Holidays and Roadtrip videos all by him self? Absolutely not. You were the secret planner for the boys. Basically a glorified secretary. You didn't fetch them coffee, or run their errands, and you'd have no problem telling any of them to fuck off if they asked. You just simply made things run smoothly. I mean come on, Vik is really going to know what lighting, makeup teams and set organisers to book? No.

You knew all the boys so well, so when you met Freya, through Talia, through Simon, you had heart shaped eyes. Not for yourself, but because you found someone who you knew instantly would be the missing piece in your best friends life. You introduced them, encouraged Josh not to be a pussy and just ask her out, and were there number one fan when they became official. You were there to be the first to congratulate them on anniversaries, and be a mediator in their arguments, help them with moving in together, and talk Josh through having to compromise when Freya wanted to start streaming and they spent less time together.

This is where the guilt came in. You always knew how to talk to Josh. You had spent endless nights convincing him that they were perfect together. Nine fucking years you had that girls back. Nine years shouting to the treetops how much Freya loved him when he had doubts. More recently, you'd spent the last six months convincing Josh that, no, Freya was not cheating on him. Convincing him that her Twitch was starting to grow, as well as the production and stress of the Sidemen, that they were both just simply busy. Convincing him to take a break, book a holiday for them both and surprising her. Convinced that it would work out.

So when you quietly tip toed behind Josh with a camera, filming the surprise after it had all been planned, for a little montage for them, you immediately tasted vomit in your mouth once the two of you had opened their bedroom door. Josh and yourself were met with Freya, naked, underneath some random guy, in their bed. The reaction, the apologies, the guy running out, you dropping the camera and breaking it was all a blur of smoke and fire. You were devastated.

Josh had been living with Ethan until he sorted himself out, which was going at a slow pace. Whenever anyone mentioned it you where quick to defend him, sprouting that nine years is a long time to move on from, which would often shut them up. You'd spoken to Josh, but there was an air between you two now. It was dense, thick, suffocating. You knew there was tension from both ends. You knew Josh probably hated you, you hated yourself. You two had never spoken about it, just danced around it aside from checking up on him, moving on as soon as he answers "fine". You had opened up to Harry and Freezy one night a few weeks back about how guilty you felt. Granted it was after one too many drinks, but you told them how you blamed yourself, and how you thought Josh did too in some way or another. They were quick to call you ridiculous, tell you that you had been nothing but supportive, and offered a shoulder to lean on. After all, you had lost Freya too.