Recoil | Bucky Barnes | Marvel Cinematic Universe

Chapter 42

Dear Kat,

I'm safe, before you panic yourself over anything, I'm safe, and I hope to God you are too.

I'm so sorry Kat. I'm sorry I'm not there with you, or you should be here with me, I don't know. I don't know if we could have figured this out differently so we could stay together, I wish we had. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reach out, I knew I couldn't call in case you were being watched, and I know you'd be mad at me if I did. So, I thought writing would be safe, if I waited long enough. I know it's slow, and one-sided, and you'll make fun of me for being so old-fashioned, but it's all I could think of.

I know we joked about you being my best girl, but you are. I never had a girl to write home to before, but I do now – I hope that makes you smile.

I wish I could hear your voice though – hell, I wish I had a picture of you. Something. I miss you, Kat. I miss your smile and your laugh. I hope you're safe. I hope you're not beating yourself up over what happened, and I really hope you haven't done anything stupid like trying to find me again. I haven't met any trouble yet, but it makes me nervous, not knowing who that guy was, or what he wanted. I know it had something to do with me though, who I was, what I've done. He could be so, so dangerous Kat. He could know things that could make me dangerous too. I hope you haven't gone looking for him. Stay where you are, stay safe. Keep living that life of yours.

I'm still figuring a few things out, keeping moving, but maybe someday it'll be safe enough for you to come join me. I hope so, I hope it's not long. I hate the thought of you being alone, and I can't even imagine not seeing you again.

I'm alright though. You'd probably say I look awful if you could see me, but I'm alright. It's getting easier to hide, now that its colder. I'd forgotten how tiring it was, being on my own. I miss hearing your footsteps over my head, knowing you're nearby and safe. I miss having you in my arms, your voice, your music. It's so quiet, without you.

I hadn't even realised Christmas had passed us. I saw the decorations and stuff in the streets, but I guess it just didn't register with me. I wish I'd been with you for that, I know December isn't an easy month. I hope you weren't alone.

It's odd, as much as being without you now is worse than being alone was before you found me, I can think more clearly now. Between the nightmares and the memories, I can think of you and it's not so dark. It's like having that time with you gave me a better sense of who I am – who I was and who I want to be still feel a little further off, but I feel closer now.

Isn't it strange, you used to say I was a man of few words and now that I've got a pen in my hand the words just keep pouring out... There are things I really want to say, but that's just the thing. I want to say them to your face, I want to see your smile and I want to hear what you would say back. I'll keep hoping I get that chance. If I'd known this would happen, maybe I'd have risked a little more. Maybe not, because that sounds so selfish now that I see the words in black and white. Risk. Would I have really risked your safety? Would I have let you talk me into it, or would I have talked myself into it, if I'd known I was saying goodbye to you that morning?