Making Sense of It: Sukka (on hiatus)

Chapter 11: Sokka

When Sokka woke up, he hoped that it had all been a dream. The dance, the party, all of it. But he was still in his homecoming attire, and the framed photo of him and Yue was in the drawer, instead of on top of his bedside table. So Sokka did what he always did. He stood up, got dressed, and walked downstairs. 

When he got to gym class, earlier, rather than later, Sokka sat at the edge of the bleachers. He took out his phone, not doing anything on it, so as to seem busy. So Suki wouldn't approach him. He heard her light footsteps. He glanced up for a moment, and saw her frown, and go sit somewhere else. He didn't feel relieved. He felt sad.       

Sokka got to science earlier too, and he sat far from his normal spot. Piandao raised one eyebrow, but he didn't say anything. So this was how it went for the next few weeks. Sokka worked on applying to colleges. He got letters of recommendation from Mr. Pakku and Mrs. Hama, his math and English teachers, applied for financial aid, and he wrote his application essays. The only school he applied to that was out of state was Hira'a University. He probably wouldn't be accepted, due to the lack of extracurricular activities he had participated in, and even if he was, it was expensive, and far away. As much as Sokka sometimes wanted to leave everything behind him, there was too much tying him here, and besides, he hadn't had the opportunity to get any scholarships or grants. 

Then, one day, he got a reminder on his phone.

Yue's birthday- 1 month 

Right. They hadn't done much for her birthday before, so Sokka had resolved to do something special next time, and he set that reminder. 

Next time. 

"Sokka, I'm cleaning out your room!" Katara yelled from upstairs. Sokka shook his head. His sister always wanted to clean things. It got annoying sometimes, but he did rely on it some. He continued with his homework, but he was drawing little doodles instead of concentrating, so it was time for a snack. He heard Katara's footsteps coming from downstairs.

"Hey, do you know if there's any meat in here?"

"Sokka?" He turned away from the fridge and saw Katara. She was holding an envelope. The envelope. From Yue, "You never opened it," she said "Why didn't you?"

"I just," he sighed, "Look, I can choose when I want to open it, okay."

"Yue wrote it for you. Don't you want to see what she has to say. She would've wanted you to open it-"

"Well, she obviously doesn't care now," Sokka retorted. He snatched the envelope from Katara's hands, "Don't clean up my room again." Katara's face hardened. 

"Fine, so you'll just go back up to your room and wallow in your own misery!" she shouted, "While meanwhile I cook all the food, clean the house, and take care of gran gran! Do something productive with your life for once! You finally had something good happen to you! Suki! And I bet you ended your friendship with her, too, didn't you?"

"I- I'm still friends with Suki," Sokka blurted out. He wasn't sure where the lie came from. Maybe he just wanted to calm down Katara, or maybe he wished he was telling the truth. Either way, Katara had to give Gran Gran her medication, and she left Sokka with the envelope. For awhile they continued as normal, though they were acting a little colder with each other than usual. Then, one day, Sokka was walking home from the store, and he saw a familiar silhouette heading away from his house. Suki. Sokka hoped that she hadn't heard or seen him, and he slipped inside his house. Katara was busy all that day. She ordered a pizza for him and Gran Gran, and then she left to go work on a project with Toph. So Sokka didn't get to ask her about Suki until school the next day. 

"I saw Suki, walking away from our house yesterday," he said to her at his locker. 

"Right. Suki asked about you," Katara said. She shifted nervously from one foot to the other.

"What is it?" Sokka asked, "What happened?"

"She mentioned Yue," she said quietly, "And... I told her, about what really happened."

"What!" Sokka said, panic rising up in his chest, "But- her parents, they wanted-"

"I don't. Care. Anymore," Katara said slowly, "Yue was my friend too, and all this secrecy, it's destroying me. Besides, that's what her parents wanted. What about what Yue wanted?"

"But-" The minute bell rang. 

"I have to go," Katara said. And Sokka stood there as she walked away. He felt betrayed, but also relieved in a way. He saw a glint of auburn hair. Maybe she would talk to him, now that she knew.

She didn't.

At least, not for awhile. 

~~~

Yue's birthday- One week

He would pretend it was just an ordinary day. Yes, that was what he'd do. He would ignore it. It was what he had done last year, too absorbed in his grief to notice. But the photograph, and the envelope seemed to taunt him. And yet, he didn't have the strength to throw them away.

Yue's birthday- 3 days

Maybe he should call her parents, maybe he should talk to them. He quickly settled against that. Sokka went to the flower shop, and found some pale blue flowers. They were beautiful, but according to the shop owner, they only bloomed for a short time. He left the shop empty handed.

Yue's birthday- 1 day

Staring at the envelope, Sokka knew what he would do. There was nothing else to do. It would be him and Yue, at the lake, like before. 

~~~

It was December, and it was freezing outside. Sokka sat down at the bench by the lake near Yue's house. He took out the envelope. He stared at it for a long time. Then he looked out at the lake, saw ripples in the water. She had liked those. Then he looked back at the letter.

It's what she would've wanted. 

He opened it. 

Sokka, I'm going to keep this short. I've instructed my parents to give it to you. I'm writing a letter because I don't think I could say what I want to say in person without breaking down. So here it goes. Thank you for helping me dye my hair. 

Sokka gritted his teeth, trying to hold everything back as he kept reading

It was something so simple, but it helped me regain some manner of control in my own life, filled with tests and surprise hospital visits, and lying. I've heard what my parents are saying. I know they aren't going to tell the truth, when it happens. But, Sokka, there's no way that I can thank you enough, for doing that. I only have one request of you. When I'm not here, anymore, you can't lose control of your own life. You just can't. I'm not asking for you to forget me, or even for you to move on right away. I'm just asking you to move forward. Please 

The paper and the envelope fell from his hands as Sokka felt every emotion that he had bottled up fall out. It felt like releasing a breath that he had been holding for ages, but at the same time, it hurt. And he realized that there would always be something missing. There would always be a constant ache of loss. And he felt so, so alone. 

She was gone. The letter lay on the ground, a lifeless thing. It hadn't fixed things. It had changed them, but it hadn't fixed them at all. He realized he had hoped that it would. Sokka closed his eyes, quiet sobs wracking through him. He felt another presence on the bench. And he glanced up for just a moment to see Suki, concern on her face as she looked at him. He didn't think to ask her what she was doing here, or to ask her to leave, because for that brief moment, he wasn't alone. 

"Thank you," he said quietly, his voice hoarse from crying. Suki nodded, and put her hand over his. Sokka hadn't realized that it was shaking before. There were a lot of things he hadn't realized. But for now, it was the two of them by the lake, the snow gently falling down. 

~~~ 

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