The Value Of A Smile

Chapter 5 - Frozen

Toshiro ⬆️
Hi. My name is Toshiro. I am 15 years old.

I bit my lip as the cold water rolled down my face, down my neck and down my chest. Washing under the waterfall always felt nice and relaxing.
I've lived in my cave for 6 years now. My job has been going good - I was now the most loved waiter and I was payed well, which allowed me to buy enough food and things. Yui was very nice to me these past 6 years and never asked anything personal which I respected a lot. She was always helping me when a customer made me uncomfortable and understood even without me telling her, that I had family problems. It wasn't exactly true, but wasn't exactly not true either.

I've also done lots of renovations to my cave, which made it much more comfortable to live in. This is what is did:
1. I added a rope ladder instead of the rope to make it easier to climb in and out of my cave.
2. I bought furniture - an armchair, a small cupboard, a pretty big bed, a rug that covered the whole cave floor or at least most of it, and a desk with a chair. I placed all of this around the cave and now it was way more comfortable.
3. I got myself more clothes, blankets and a pillow, a phone and a laptop, which I learnt how to use thanks to Yui, my own school supplies, new shoes, two large lanterns to light up my cave at night, a little refrigerator that uses a battery, so I could just recharge the battery at a store instead of providing my cave with electricity which was impossible, and other things that I realised I needed over the past years.
4. I built a toilet in the forest next to my cave. It was basically a hole in the ground, but it was better than nothing. I set up toilet paper next to it and buckets with water, so it was fine.
5. I also added a thick curtain to the entrance that clips to the rock at the bottom and top. It keeps the sun and wind out and also blends in with the rock because its grey in colour.
6. I made a small spot in the darkest corner of my cave for the fire pit. It wasn't much - just a spot without the rug, outlined by medium sized rocks, and a pile of sticks and twigs in the middle, with a box of matches laying next to it. I used it when it got cold.

I really liked my new renovations, it made life way easier.
But honestly, life wasn't easy at all for me.
Elementary school turned into a complete nightmare, soon followed by an even worser middle school. I was bullied, and bullied a lot. At first it always started the same way. I got introduced to the class, the first day went fine, but then later, day by day, people started forming groups and either completely avoiding me, or bullying me, as in making me embarrassed in front of the whole school or class, teachers or just other kids, beating me up or spreading rumours.
Over that time, I watched people laugh and smile around me, while I tried my hardest not to cry. Actually, I never let myself cry. Not once.
I had the feeling I was too sad to cry.

It was hard to cope with all of that, and so I started researching things that can help me, and found a guy called a "therapist" that was said to help people out of situations like these.
So I payed, and went there for one time, just like a visit to find out what they are. But what happened there, made me never visit them again.
They told me all the problems that I have developed, never actually knowing myself.

I had developed social anxiety and quite a lot of times had anxiety attacks. I had depression, but I didn't cut myself because whats the point? I was already beaten up. I also had PTSD from dad and the bullies which made me be scared of things that sounded or reminded me of the past traumas and sometimes have panic attacks.
I researched very detailed research on every one of them, and came to the conclusion that I'm a total failure. But I never gave up, and continued to live and have fun with Ted, because he was the only one who I had. He would help me out of my attacks, make me remember all the good things that happened in my life like meeting Yui and Akira, convince me to not hurt myself, and overall he just helped me out with everything.

Currently, I had just finished taking my afternoon shower. I had enrolled to a high school, because unfortunately it was compulsory, and tomorrow was my first day. To say I was sad was an underestimate. To say I was scared was an underestimate. To say I didn't care was not true.
I loved learning. It was my most favourite thing to do besides reading, but reading was also kind of learning so I suppose that doesn't count. I learned at school, and always got the very top marks and I was always going beyond everyone else in my year, and at home, at my cave, studied the program of the year above, from books that I borrowed from the library or my laptop. I would spend hours and hours in the library, plugging in my earphones into my phone and listening to music while I study or read. Oh yeah, earphones are another thing that I got, and Yui taught me how to use them.