Me against the world

Not The End!

Well, my last Chapter was called 'End?' and I knew exactly why I left that questionmark there back then. I knew that something would happen sooner or later and as the title of this chapter already says IT'S NOT THE END! Thankfully most of the following moments weren't ones that necessarily insulted me directly, but in my opinion it's still worthy of writing it down. In this chapter I'm going to write stuff down that happened recently (2022) and also things that I actually forgot about and should've written in my Adulthood chapter.

I'm going to start with something that I forgot to write down and to be honest, I don't understand why I did forget. Maybe I was supressing that memory. It happened in 2019 and I was doing a first-aid course for my driving licence and there was also the opportunity to make photos and an eye test. When I was called up to make the eye test and the photo, there was this Lady in the room. She was immediately friendly (maybe too friendly) and in love with my hair. She kept rambling about how much she loved people with dark skin and that they're always so nice and sweet. It was definitely awkward for me, because instead of doing the eye test and the photo she kept talking to me. The conversation went from sort of normal to pretty much racist and offending. Before I continue, I have to make a brief explanation again. In Germany there is a sweet nowadays called 'Dickmanns', which is similar to a chocolate kiss. Wait let me just put a picture here:

Unfortunatelly those were called either 'Negerkuss' or 'Mohrenkopf', which translates to 'Niggerkiss' or 'Blackamoor's head'. Obviously it's a very offensive name, but not all people (want to) understand that and refuse to say 'Dickmanns' or 'Chocolate Kiss' and that Lady was one of them. I can't exactly tell anymore how we got there, but I think that it was quite random. I remember her saying stuff like: "You know,  what is the problem with saying 'Negerkuss'? Atleast when I say it I don't mean any harm". At this point I just thought that she was extremly ignorant, but I didn't really comment on that, because I just wanted to go back to the first-aid course. But then she said:"When I think about 'Negerküsse', I think about two dark skinned people passionately kiss each other for so long that when they seperate from each other their spit would pull a string," I remember that I was just sitting there being so confused  and I was thinking like wtf did that woman just say? I even considered that she was either high or drunk it just didn't make any sense. She asked me what I thought about it, and I explained her that it's offensive and just not appropriate. I didn't want to discuss that much, because I was missing a lot of my first-aid course and then she finally took the photo. This moment definitely made me feel imensly uncomfortable and again just a bit angry that I had to have a conversation like this with someone.

Another thing that I have in my mind also happened in 2019 on the day of my driving test. This is a perfect example, when someone was passively racist in my opinion. I was the first one, who got examined that day and I was talking with my teacher until my examiner arrived. She introduced herself and so did I, we had a simple small talk and everything seemed fine so far, until I had to show her my ID, which was my residence permit. From that moment on she totally switched and acted completely different. She started talking to me like I was dumb or retarded and didn't understand german. She literally asked me if I would understand it, when she would tell me to go right or left and if I understood german in general. In my head I was like: "Did we not just have a perfect conversation in german?" Obviously I didn't say that out loud, because I didn't want to create tension and give her a reason to let me fail. Well you can already imagine how the driving test went: I failed. That woman was really rude towards me and started to yell at me for no good reason. After she told me that I failed and when she was explaining the reasons, she kinda yelled again and just left without even saying good-bye. My teacher obviously stayed professional during that whole situation, but after she left he admited that if it was after him he wouldn't have let me fail and that she was too harsh. He even admitted that he couldn't stand her as well. 

Now the next two things happened this year (2022) and are the reason that triggered me to write this chapter. During the pandemic there were or still are loads of people, the so called 'Querdenker', which are people, who are followers of a movement against the covid restrictions and they believe that Corona doesn't exist and they have plenty of conspiracy theories etc. Intrestingly a lot of these 'Querdenker' are right-wing extremist or support the right-wing party of Germany. I really don't want to have that stereotype myself that all Querdenker are either racist or xenophobic, but after what I have witnessed it's quite diffucult. I had an exam that day and after that I went to a friend and later on we went to another friend. We had a great time and when the evening was hitting we went back and we were walking through the town centre. We noticed that people were gathering and we quickly noticed that it was a protest, which was unusual, because they normally took place on Saturday and not on Mondays. I was the only black person and then I overheard a conversation between two men. That one guy was saying:"... That guy was so black, like your jacket. A real Nigger..." I heard him use that word at least three more times and at the same time there was that lady looking at me viciously and then she had that evil grin. My friend noticed and we immediately started to walk quicker to get out of this place. I definitely didn't feel comfortable and safe in that moment.

In the meantime pretty much all covid restrictions are removed. You don't have to test yourself, you don't have to wear a mask etc., but there are still these protest. Every Saturday in my hometown people gather to protest for god knows what. On one day we came back from vacation and my brother and I went to our favourite chinese takout to get some food. Meanwhile there were protests again, where people would protest against the use of vaccines and also against foreigners. I saw people holding shields up that said "foreigners out" and "Germany first". Moments like these make me concern and think a lot.

Whilst I'm currently studying, I also have a mini job in an electronics store, where I was a sales assistant, but after the second lockdown I'm currently at the cash registor and costumer service department. Apart from my working clothes I also wear a name tag, where (unfortunetally) my full name is visible and what languages I speak. I've mentioned in previous chapters that my name and in particular my last name is very simple. Many costumers read our name tags and I don't mind that generally, apart from the fact that my full name is visible. Well there has been that one costumer that I cashed up and he read my name tag and said to his friend:" Oh look, the name doesn't fit the colour right?" and started to chuckle. He was clearly referring to my skin colour and I immediately replied to him that my name couldn't even fit more perfectly to myself as it's a typicall senegalese name. I explained to him that not all african names have to be "complicated" and that infact senegalese lastnames are usually very simple. He went into defensive mode and tried to explain that he didn't mean it in an offensive way. I just nodded and wished him a nice day.

That guy came back two more times and everytime he saw me he said:" Oh the woman, where the name doesn't fit the (skin) colour." I always responded the same way I did before. When he did it for the third time I actually had my break and I went to the sales area to buy something. He must have finally noticed that I didn't like his comments and he approached me. He tried to explain me again that he really didn't mean it in an offensive way and then he came with that argument that he has many black friends and they all don't have a problem with it. I tried to explain him that it might not be a problem for his friends, but it could be to the stranger that you are making this comment at. I asked him how he could know for sure that the other person wouldn't be offended, because I couldn't really tell if he was joking or not. I explained him that it was annoying for me that I was put into a box of stereotypes again just because I was black or african. I'm not entirely sure if he got or accepted my point, but it was important to me to get it of my chest. I haven't seen this man since that day.

I'm once again really glad that I don't get confronted with racism or situations like I've described above often or every day, but I'm still irritated. Comments like that costumer made e.g. really annoy me, because I get offended for literally no reason and then I have to defend myself every single time, because somebody has stereotypes. All this is so unnecessary, a waste of my energy and just simply unfair towards me and my culture it's just so frustrating to me. Why can't I just be the woman that is working at the registor e.g.?  Why do people feel entitled to put me or someone in a certain box that fits their mind with comments like that? These are questions that I'm asking myself everytime I recieve comments like this. All I just want is that I don't have to ask myself these questions anymore and won't get belittled, when I show my residence permit. I don't want to feel unsafe in certain places or moments and I don't want to feel imensly uncomfortoble while I'm having a conversation, where I can't tell if that person is totally racist or just incredibly ignorant. 

Well, I probably know that it still won't be stopping any time soon. Only thing I can do is hope...