It was the first time before a concert that I didn't want to go on stage.
My outfit was terrible.
It was oversized and stiff, making my shoulders way too wide. My upper body too square. The fabric was heavy. I didn't know how I was supposed to dance in it.
I was uncomfortable.
I was uncomfortable because it was too masculine. Too boyish.
And I wasn't a boy.
I couldn't tell anyone that, though.
And I couldn't think of another excuse.
We had performed in similar outfits before. I had performed in similar outfits before - without thinking twice about it. Without having a problem.
I lost that comfort now, I guess.
I didn't dare to say anything. How would I explain this?
The others all wore nearly the same, and no one seemed bothered by it at all.
I took a deep breath.
You're a professional.
Just get it over with.
•°
As soon as I stood on stage I knew it was a mistake.
I've never felt this uncomfortable before.
All eyes were on me.
Every single worried thought and bad emotion I had in the backstage room got ten times worse and a hundred times more intense.
Suddenly, roaring in me was a torrid sense of utter and complete wrongness.
My insides were burning.
I wanted to cry, and scream and curl up and hide myself.
No one should see me like this. I didn't want stays to see me like this.
That wasn't me.
That wasn't ME.
I've never felt this emotion before.
Everything was just ... wrong.
I wanted to run off the stage.
But I couldn't.
Our performance started.
I felt terrible.
Fortunately, I had practiced all the choreos long enough to have the dance steps automatized.
I think I made a lot of mistakes anyways.
I didn't know for sure.
The stage lights, the squealing fans, the loud music.
Everything blurred together into a formless mash of movements, lights and noises.
It was like hell.
I distinctly heard the members speaking to our fans, having lighthearted conversations with each other about this and that.
Nothing actually reached me anymore.
Except when someone talked about me.
Felix.
he.
he.
he.
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glow•° || skz || nonbinary Felix ff
Fanfiction•°What if a pro kpop idol starts to question their gender?°• Stray Kids au ~ nonbinary Felix (they/them) ~ Lee Felix is a member of the kpop group Stray Kids. As they grow famous over the years, Felix keeps noticing things about themselves that coul...
