glow•° || skz || nonbinary Felix ff

running•°

'How did you find out you were gay?'

Minho and I were cooking for the others, alone in the kitchen while everyone else was busy.

Minho stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me.

He then smiled and shrugged. 'I guess I always knew somehow, but kept lying to myself. Until someday a random boy stuck his tongue in my mouth and I couldn't deny any longer that I liked it. Worst day of my life.'

He laughed at the memory. 'It wasn't even a good kiss.'

I chuckled, too. 'Why the worst day of your life though?'

He laid the knife he used for cutting vegetables down with a sigh and thought hard for a moment.

'I guess because it was the day where I couldn't run anymore. I had to stand up and fight. And I didn't know if I had the strength. I was so afraid.' Minho paused a second, lost in thought. 'But look at me now. I learned to fight my fights. It is hard, still, yes. But it also allows me to be happy, truly happy. And that is something worth every single fight.'

Tears burned in my eyes (again).

His words fitted perfectly what was happening inside me. I was afraid, too.

And I wanted to be happy, too. Yet for me it was still a long way.

I was still running.

Minho noticed the tears of course.

He came over to me, taking my hands in his.

'What would your advise be for someone who is questioning?', I asked carefully.

'Stop running. Stop lying to yourself. Let yourself be happy.'

I sniffled. His grip on my hands tightened.

'But what if lying to myself is a way of self protection? What if I'm not yet ready to fight?'

'Take the time you need and be safe. But as soon as you realize you are lying to yourself - and not doing it unconsciously anymore - you're probably hurting yourself more with keeping that lie up than you would be with being honest. No one says you have to come out yet, just at least be honest with yourself.'

His eyes never left my face.

I blinked and felt warm tears freeing themselves and running over my cheeks.

I don't want to be honest.

Minho gently pulled me close to him, resting his chin carefully on my head.

These kinds of warm, slow hugs from him were rare. It just made me cry harder.

'Felix?', he whispered gingerly, 'are you questioning?'

For a moment I contemplated whether I should just tell him everything.

But I wasn't ready for that yet.

I couldn't lie to him, so I just shook my head.

Like Chan, I could tell that Minho didn't quite believe me. He knew that there was more to it. But he let it slide, too.

They both knew I would come and talk to them as soon as I felt ready for it.

'Minho, do you want to come out? I mean like, officially? To our label, our fandom, the world?'

He pulled back a bit to catch a look of my face.

'I do. But I'd like to do it together with an actual boyfriend.'

'Jisung?', I giggled.

'Yeah', he didn't even deny it any longer, 'I'm working on it.'

'I'm happy for you'

He cupped my face and pressed a kiss on my forehead.

'We're here for you, Felix. We have your back, no matter what comes, okay?'

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