The Secrets Within Pages

My Faulty Heart

I shuffle under the warmth of the blankets atop us, it's comfort battling with the hard ground. My eyes slowly adjust to the morning light when I look down to see Silas' arms wrapped around me, still asleep.

Ever since I was a child, I was always taught two things. Right and wrong. Black and white- that there was no in between. But that was until I grew up, until this moment, that I truly understood the shades of grey that make up our world.

It was all so easy. Murder was wrong and criminals were meant to be punished.

Silas is a killer but... so is Osbourne.

Even so, where does love fit in it all? Did humanity ever consider what would happen then? Love is the most ancient human emotion. In all our twisted history, there has bound to be unfortunate souls that have fallen so deeply, irretrievably in love with those that have commited such heinous crimes. What did they do? Join them? Betray them? Is it even betrayal or the right thing to do?

What is the right thing to do? Is morality not what we make of it in the moment, what seems like justice to us?

When it really comes down to it, we all do what we think is right, for our own selfish needs, for our own survival.

Timidly, careful to not wake him, I shift to face Silas. I study his relaxed features and tear-stained face, tucking a strand of his hair back. How deep in darkness must you be before you cannot find the light anymore? Is it even possible?

Shakespeare was right when he said, "Love is blind and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that they themselves commit." But what if I can't help it? If I am willing to sacrifice my own integrity, the foundation of my entire being, who will I be?

Loving you, Silas Golding, means losing myself.

Am I prepared for that?

As if in response to the silent warfare of my mind, Silas' eyes slowly flutter open.

I look at him and he looks back. The weight of unsaid words, unfulfilled hopes and regret hangs in the air, neither of us sure what to say.

"Did you sleep well?" He rasps, hesistantly.

I nod gently. "Did you?"

He gives me a half smile, eyes riddled with sadness, "The only times I've ever slept soundly was last night and the night at Fraser's. When you were with me."

Fraser's Manor. Seems a lifetime ago.

I look away slightly, sitting up. We stay in silence for a long time.

"Why?" I ask, dejectedly.

He sits up, "Do you really think anything I'll say will convince you? Will make it, make sense to you? No, because unless you were in my position, you'll always think that there was another way. There wasn't. So why do you ask, Eleanor?"

I want you to convince me. I want you to make me understand so that I dont have this pit in my stomach. Let me be blind.

"I need to know." I repeat, walking around the room.

He rises, "Justice."

I scoff, "Justice? or revenge?"

"Don't do that. Don't stand there and judge me when you know nothing of the things I've been through."

"If our pain justified malice, everyone's hands would be bloody, Silas." I shoot back.

"Oh, yeah! Then tell me Eleanor, tell me why after all this time you still haven't told Sonders where I am?!" He shouts.