I Fell In Love With A Narcissist

An Eye Opening Experience

"Damn!" Was all I could say when I did my research. I've been going through the emotions and I couldn't understand what I was feeling. There were a lot of burning issues, some of which I couldn't talk about in fear that he would get upset and give me the silent treatment. But let me start from the beginning.

Imagine being pursued by a man who makes you feel like a princess today and a peasant tomorrow. One moment you're getting love, the next you are begging to be loved. Looking back, I think he withdrew himself on purpose so I COULD PURSUE HIM. He was an egotistical, certified blame shifter. He had the ability to make me question my judgement, myself and everything that we were. I GOT TIRED.

There came a time when I couldn't stay silent anymore! Because the thing is, they love when you keep silent about the things they put you through. They want to paint the perfect image to the world like they are the best partners, the perfect men. Ridiculous right?

Sometimes I wonder why I stayed, even when my emotions weren't being understood. Even when my words would blow away with the wind. Even when my tears would go unnoticed. How can you betray me and not expect a reaction? How can you so easily pretend like nothing's wrong? I was emotionally abused for YEARS! Manipulated, stone-walled, gaslighted by a man who I thought loved me.

I remember when I started to find my strength, he said that he missed the old me. The old me he had manipulated by telling me to tell everyone we were over so he could date exclusively and not get blamed for being an asshole. The funny thing is, that wound was cut so deep, I lost myself in the process. I got mad at everyone and I ratted the females out, not realising that he had manipulated those females too. But when he came around, I brushed all my emotions aside to accommodate his "love for me" because I thought that was what I needed. I had no self esteem and I did not now what love was. He knew what was best for me, he wouldn't hurt me right? WRONG! It took me years to find the love I had been searching for, the type of love I had craved from him. It was all me. Once I started to find myself, everything changed. I wasn't so deeply affected by things he did. But they still hurt.

I am human. And though sometimes I fail to admit it, I believe in love. I believe that there are people out there who experience the kind of love they don't have to question. And that's the thing, I had to question his love from the very start. There was never a splitting second where I could be soft, feminine or divine. I had to be in combat mode, ready to fight off everything that was trying to tear us apart, EVEN HIM. Most problems we had, he created them. A lot I bottled up, others I buried....

Fast forward to a few years later. I thought we grew. I forgave, moved on, though unhealed, I tried. But we kept taking two steps forward to take ten steps back. Why? He could not effectively communicate or apologise. His excuses were stupid and the complaints were always the same. Only he had feelings, mine weren't valid. New females? Yup! Evidence of cheating? Nope! Evidence of flirting? Sure! I even got a screenshot once from a girl we both knew really well. I was so embarrassed. In that moment, the trust was SHATTERED but still I tried to bury my doubts.

But there's a cost to pay when you love again after being hurt. The cost of overthinking and questioning everything but thank God I had my intuition and dreams on my side to help me through. Growing spiritually meant that I could see beyond the surface of things. Things he never wanted to admit, I knew. I just pretended as though I didn't. It got to the point where I just didn't give care anymore.

ABSOLUTELY nothing could prepare me for the side effects of dealing with narcissism. But it taught me a very important lesson: LOVE MYSELF FIRST. When you love yourself, when you put you first, no one can hurt you. You won't give chances after chances only to be disappointed. You will crave peace more than anything and you won't compromise it for anything.

I often wonder, why are women always fighting these demons? The men in our lives can sometimes be our biggest enemies. They lead us into depression yet THEY get offended when we finally decide to choose ourselves. We are obligated to release ourselves from any attachments that are draining our happiness and joy. We are loved! We are enough! We are worthy!