The Lies That We Tell (COMPLETED)

Chapter 29

Chapter 29

It was probably torture, but I knew that I had to work on myself. Not for any guy, pero para sa sarili ko na rin. Because who knows, right? Baka iyong susunod na dumating ay iyong para sa akin na talaga. And when that time comes, I wanted him to meet the very best version of myself.

I listed down all the things that I didn't like about myself nung meron pa kami ni Zion. I hated how untrusting I was. I hated how I overthink a lot. I hated how I couldn't seem to communicate properly for some reason. I hated that I was so insecure.

I hated a lot of things, I know, pero alam ko rin naman na hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Zion may have been my first love... maybe... perhaps... pero I was sure as hell that he wasn't the last. I just have to trust na may bagong dadating.

I bought a lot of self-help books and enrolled, finally, sa masters ko. This was something I wanted to do for a very long time, pero lagi kong dine-delay dahil ang nasa isip ko e hindi ko naman na masyadong kailangan. I mean, I was earning good money already. But this was the year that I better myself, so I thought what the hell. Makapag-enroll na nga. Kung hindi ko talaga kaya, at the very least, I tried and know for a fact na hindi kaya ng schedule ko. Pero at least alam ko na kaysa constantly wondering ako kung kaya ko ba.

Also, I met new people in my class. It took quite a while bago kami maging close dahil mga working na kami kaya wala halos time sa bonding. It was only after the end of the semester na nagkaroon kami ng time for dinner.

"Okay. This seriously has to end," sabi ko nang magiwas ng tingin sa akin si Gem.

"What?" she replied.

"Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa 'yo na wala kang kasalanan, 'di ba?" I reiterated for the nth time. She really had no recollection nung nangyari nung gabing iyon. I didn't want to tell her because what's the point? Besides, it was something that'll happen eventually.

We both like each other, sure, but we weren't a good match.

At least at that time.

We both had different priorities and insecurities.

Someone told me that a relationship will work best when two whole people come together instead of two halves forming a whole. At that time, it didn't really make so much sense for me kasi 'di ba you're looking for a partner? Ano naman ang masama kung dumepende ka sa tao na 'yon? But later on, after a lot of self introspection and lots of self-help books, I realized na may punto naman. Kapag kasi kumpletong tao ka, you wouldn't need validation from the outside. You're good on your own. Walang overthinking because guess what? You have a full life on your own. Kapag nandyan siya, then great. Kapag wala? It's fine. Live your life. And wait for his return without driving yourself into madness.

And I think that's the healthy way—at least the way I wanted my next relationship to work. Nakakaloka kayang mag-overthink at kainin ng insecurities.

"Pero—"

"Walang pero," I said, cutting her off. "It was meant to end either way. If any, pinabilis mo lang."

Guilt crossed her face again.

Fuck.

Wrong choice of words again.

"Which..." I said slowly, choosing the words in my head bago ko sila sabihin out loud. "Wasn't necessarily a bad thing, you know? At least hindi na nasayang iyong oras ko," I continued.

Mukha pa ring guilty si Gem.

"Seriously, stop," sabi ko. "I'm doing so much better. Promise."

Nakatingin siya sa akin. "Swear?"