Between Two Minds

Part 9

VIOLA

I approach the study with a gentle apprehension, a current of concern guiding my steps. The departure of Seraphina, coupled with the cryptic conversation that transpired within, compels me to check on Gabriel. Whatever happened in there had to be stressful for Seraphina to storm out like that. When I open the door to the study gently, I find Gabriel slouched over his desk, weariness etched into the lines of his posture, his forehead resting in his arms. I knock softly, in an attempt to make sure I don't end up invading his space.

"May I" I ask him, when he doesn't respond to the knock, looking up at me, he nods gesturing me to come inside.

I take the chair opposite his and before I can say anything or ask anything he speaks up. "I am so sorry", he says, his voice tinged with guilt and sadness. Not understanding what he means, I inquire, "what are you sorry for?"

"Seraphina, I didn't expect her to visit today, or I would have informed you about it. And if she said something that might have hurt you, I am sorry for that too."

I grapple with the unexpected nature of Seraphina's visit, recalling our awkward conversation, but she hadn't really said much. Besides, why would anything she say hurt me, I didn't even know her, hell I didn't even know myself. Confusion reigns, and my bewilderment is mirrored on my face. Sensing my disorientation, Gabriel straightens himself, explaining.

"If she didn't, I am glad, its just that she tends to come off as intimidating at times, but she is a really good friend of mine, in any case, I apologize for her unexpected visit. I will try to be more mindful of people who come over."

I nod, not knowing how to react to this sudden shift in his demeanour.

"Have you eaten anything, do you want to get dinner outside today instead of staying in?", he then asks surprising me. The suggestion awakens me to a realization – days within the manor, the forest visits to the faceless statue of the woman, and through it all I had had a neglectful forgetfulness of a world beyond these walls. I hadn't even thought about going out in all these days, and neither had I been curious about it. This sudden realisation must have been too much for my mental state because I start trembling.

Gabriel immediately notices and walks up to stand beside me but doesn't say anything. He just kneels in front of me, coming to my face level and holds my hand. My heart is now racing at an unhealthy pace, and I can feel my breaths getting shorter. I recognise this as one of the many panic attacks that I have had since waking up from the coma.

Through the chaos of my thoughts, I try to remember a few breathing exercises that Gabriel had taught me to help me deal with these and the one that comes to my mind the first is counting backwards from 100. It takes me a few seconds and counting backwards until 32 to finally calm down and through it Gabriel just holds my hand and lets the panic pass through.

Once he sure that it has passed, he reassures me, "It's okay, everything is okay. I am here, right beside you. Okay?"

A fragile "Okay" escapes my lips, tears and trembles accompanying the affirmation.

"Do you want some tea?", he asks, and I nod, before following him into the kitchen.

I take my usual spot in the kitchen watching him prepare the tea. It suddenly reminds me of how comfortable Seraphina was in the kitchen earlier today and before I can stop myself, I blurt out the question, "Has she been here often?"

Gabriel looks confused at that for a moment before he comprehends my question and responds, "You are asking about Seraphina I assume. And yes, she has been to the house quiet a few times. I don't want to bore you with the details but in a way, she works for me and became a close friend over the years."

It takes a lot of strength to stop myself from asking more question. But I settle with humming for a response.

As we sip on our tea, he says "Maybe we can go out some other time, we can just order in today." It seems like the best option for now. I don't think I am ready to be stepping out just yet, to be facing the real world without any knowledge of how it has changed during the coma. I nod again.

After dinner, Gabriel walks me to my room like he has been doing almost everyday and I am grateful for it. More today than any other day. It takes a lot of efforts to fall asleep and after tossing and turning in my bed for more than a couple hours, I finally feel myself drifting off.

It's freezing cold, my teeth clatter as I pull my shirt closer to my body. I should have at least carried a jacket when I left home. HOME, a place I might never return to. I might never see my mother's face again. Had I known that I wouldn't have stormed off like that.

________________________________________________________________________________

I look around and see nothing but darkness. I can feel nothing. Not even the breeze only this cold running through my veins. It's getting difficult to breathe, each breathe cuts through the sensitive flesh in my nose and my throat tightens even more. I try to take steady deep breaths, but the shivering and clattering makes it even more painful. I try to pull my knees to my chest, hoping to get some warmth from it, but my limbs are unresponsive, my body has lost the ability to move.

Panic settles within me. This is it then, this is how I die, I think. I want to scream, I want to desperately cry out for help, but my voice won't come out, I make a few futile attempts but nothing, not a single sound comes out of my mouth.

Everything hurts and it's cold. I can feel my blood thicken inside me. Just as I am about to give out, I hear a faint voice, "Wake up" it says. It's a man's voice, a voice I recognize but I can't seem to remember who.

"Wake up", it whispers again, and I try, I try so hard to remember the face behind it.

"This isn't it, wake up", I hear again. With that, I decide to use the final bots of energy left in me to try and wake up. If I am to die, I won't die giving up, I will die fighting.