Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

Let's Talk |35

TW: Death/ Suicide attempt

*Hours pass, it's night again*

Me and Tom sit outside the hotel, sitting on the pavement curbs. I wonder if this is all a dream so I turn to face to him. There I was facing THE Tom Kaulitz, it seemed very real. I looked down to observe my hands, taking a glimpse at my recovering scars. I smile to myself, there really is someone who loves me. Although, I know that soon it will be back to normal.

"It's really a shame you're going to have to go back soon." Tom mumbles, breaking the awkward silence between us.

I was caught off gaurd, "...Yeah." I stuttered.

He looks over at me, "Will you ever come back to Germany?.. We won't be doing any touring outside Germany from now on..."

I stare at the ground silently as I feel him looking at me, patiently waiting for an answer.

"No." I reply bluntly, "I don't have the money, it was Daria who bought me along... For free."

Tom's face droops down, now we were both staring at the ground. There was nothing really to say.

"Oh." Tom replies with the same manner of disappointment, "Well... Fleeting happiness is better than nothing right?"

I turn to face him again, wiping my eyes and taking a deep breath, "Yeah... I guess you are right. I am just going to miss it here. I'd much rather spend the rest of my days here with you guys and Daria than spend it living in my Dad's house."

"Well... Can't you just... move out?" Tom questions, it was a dumb question but what would you expect from a rich, famous rockstar?

"No. It's not that easy, I couldn't even find a job because of my many past job experiences I kept getting fired from... Apparently from 'careless' attitude or 'always late'... Stuff like that." I shrug casually, "But it won't matter since I plan on leaving anyway."

Tom's face quickly turned from calm to panicked when he looks me in the eyes.

"What do you mean you 'plan on leaving'?" His tone sounded exaggerated, Tom stood up, "Don't tell me you are thinking about ending your life?"

I stared in shock, trying my best to brush the unnecessary tension off my shoulders. I stutter a bit before speaking, "No?... I meant..." I mumbled, "...Leaving Germany!..."

Tom looked at me in disbelief before putting his hand on arm, I stood up as his hand guided me to a stand.

"I'm not stupid, I know what you meant. You can talk to me. You can't keep your feelings bottled up. I won't let you end it all, please just tell me what happened."

My eyes felt watery, my throat was dry and tightened up in a couple seconds. All I could do was shove my face into his chest and cry. Just thinking about going home was making me feel so much emotions. I was getting too overwhelmed. I didn't want to see my dad. I don't want to see my room. I don't want to see the hallways. And I don't want to see the living room. The living room where my mum rests along with my blacked out bastard slouched on the sofa, forever staring at the urn by the TV. I don't want to see the bathroom. I don't want to see any bottles of pills. I don't want to see my house, I know it happened ages ago, but the memory of me killing my own mother will forever remain the freshest memory in my head. I can still imagine that night perfectly. The way she screamed and begged for me to stop, but I kept going. Growing up, I was unusually strong for my age, I just wish I haven't used it as an 'advantage'. My grip tightened around her neck, her screams and shouts become more muffled by the second. The memory seems to become more vivid, to the point where I can't even recognise the reason why I killed my own mother.

I was scared, and alone. It was just me and the lifeless body on the floor I once used to know. The bottle of pills caught my eye. I opened it with trembling hands. At this point I have realised what I've done. And thats when I snapped back to reality.  I dumped all the pills into my mouth and swallowed with a dry throat, my saliva made it run down my throat with ease. I've realised what I've done. But I didn't want to face the consequences so I thought I would make it seem like we both died due to unknown reasons... I woke up 2 days later, still laying on the cold bathroom floor. Beside me was a disgusting smell. When I turned to look beside me I almost threw up. My own mothers body was decaying on the floor, ants all over her face and her eyes were white. It's been 5 years. Since I set up her death to seem like a suicide.

"I will never see my house as a safe sanctuary again. That's why I want to stay here, but I can't. So there isn't any point for me to live anymore." I sobbed as Tom comforted me silently.