Flower of the North [Kaz Brekker; Six of Crows]

chapter 27

Cecilia felt like she could collapse from exhaustion as the schooner went on with the strong winds. All of the events that had happened were whirling through her head, She wondered a few times if it was all real.

"How long does she have?" Matthias asked Kuwei.

Cecilia's resentment towards Matthias for getting them locked up had simmered down to a quiet irritation. Her eyes were no longer cold when they looked at him, but she still felt apprehension. As if he would toss her overboard any chance he got.

"The high will last one hour, maybe two. It depends how long it takes her body to process a dose of that size."

Matthias sighed, "Why can't you just purge it from your body like the bullets?"

"It doesn't work. Even if she could overcome the craving for long enough to start purging it from her body, she'll lose the ability to pull the parem from her system before it's all gone. You'd need another Corporalnik using parem to accomplish it," Kuwei said.

Matthias glanced at Cecilia and Valan quickly stepped in her way, "Woah there, don't look at her, buddy. Lia isn't putting an ounce of that crap into her body."

"What will it do to her?" Wylan asked.

"You've seen for yourself. We know what's going to happen," Matthias said bitterly.

Kaz crossed his arms, "How will it start?"

"Body aches, chills, no worse than a mild illness. Then a kind of hypersensitivity, followed by tremors, and the craving.:

"Do you have more of the parem?"

Nina immediately protested, "I won't take more."

"I have enough to keep you comfortable. But if you take a second dose, there's no hope at all," Kuwei turned to Matthias, "This is her one chance. It's possible her body will purge enough of it naturally that addiction won't set in."

"And if it does?"

Kuwei shrugged, "Without a ready supply of the drug, she'll go mad. With it, her body will simply wear itself out. Do you know the word parem? It's the name my father gave to the drug. It means 'without pity.'"

Cecilia closed her eyes for a moment, turning her head away from the situation. Her body felt wracked with some sort of guilt. Guilt that she had let Nina take that drug. Guilt that there was nothing she could do now to help. Guilt that maybe she should have taken it instead. Nina had just gotten Matthias back. She had gone through so much in her life. She deserved a break, and Cecilia should have given it to her.

Nina was silent for a moment, "I don't want to hear any more. None of it will change what's coming."

With that, Nina drifted away. All Cecilia could do was watch her go.

Valan held his sister's hand tight, whispering lowly to her, "This isn't your fault, Lia. There's nothing you can do."

Cecilia just squeezed his hand and gave him a smile, one she hoped was bright enough to fool him into thinking it was real. And when he gave a side smirk back at her, she knew he had been.

Cecilia found herself drifting towards the edge, leaning against it as the dark waters splashed over the bottom of the schooner and swayed them lightly. Her mind wandered to days past, to flowers and their meanings. To all the things that brought her comfort. The smell of Gardenia flowers. The taste of her mother's homemade tea on her tongue.

Her shoulders slowly relaxed and the smile on her lips became real.

A sound of staggered footsteps behind her made her stand up straighter, "Kaz, you know you can't sneak up on me."

"I wasn't trying to," he said as he came to stand beside her, "Here."

Cecilia turned her head to see Kaz holding out her katana. She gently took it from him, stroking her fingers over the beautifully decorated sheath.

"Safe as promised."

Cecilia turned her beautiful smile on him, "Thank you."

Kaz just nodded in response, turning his gaze away from her. He could've easily gotten lost in her. Years could have passed by in her presence and he wouldn't care at all. He would happily fall astray from everything.

"Are you ok?" Cecilia suddenly asked.

"Fine. Why?"

"You almost died."

"Nothing new. Hazard of the job," Kaz shrugged it off.

"I was scared," Cecilia admitted, blinking away the tears that had burned at her eyes involuntarily, "I know how ridiculous that must sound. I knew what I was getting into here. I came here knowing that we all might die. But seeing you like that..."

Kaz didn't know how to respond. He had never been very good at comforting or telling the truth. He couldn't tell her how many times he had dreamt of her death in front of him. How he would wake up with his heart pounding loud, feeling like he couldn't breath. He couldn't tell her that he had spent every second worrying about her when she wasn't in his sight and imagining all the things that could have happened to her. It was enough to drive anyone mad.

And yet what did he say?

"Don't waste your time worrying about me. I'm not afraid to die."

He could have kicked himself for that.

Cecilia looked at him, completely dumbfounded. A laugh escaped her lips before she could stop herself. Soon enough, her head was hung as she slapped a hand over her mouth, her shoulders shaking with muffled laughter.

Kaz didn't know what he had said to get this kind of reaction, but he didn't care. Her laughter, her happiness, was more than enough for him.

"Oh Saints, you must think you sound so cool saying things like that."

Kaz shrugged, "It's the honest truth."

Cecilia turned so her back was against the railing, "I'm sure it is, Kaz. I believe it. I don't mean to laugh. It's just something so...you. The world changes often. The seasons, the people, the circumstances. Everything changes. But you haven't. I mean, you have, but in all the ways that matter, you've stayed the same. I appreciate it."

He didn't know what to say to that. She was saying so many things that didn't make sense to him. Thanking him. Being scared that he was going to die. He himself was afraid to admit that now, when he died, someone would be left behind to mourn him. To cry and sit at his grave. For once, that was something that weighed heavily on his mind.

Cecilia giggled, breaking him from his thoughts, "Don't think too hard over there, Kaz. Just relax. We pulled off the hardest part, right? Breaking into and out of the Ice Court. All that's left is what waits for us back in Ketterdam."

"Then you must know what comes next, oh-so-intelligent-one," he sassed.

"Isn't it obvious? They're expecting us to bring back Bo Yul-Bayur. The scientist that created Jurda Parem. The drug to control the powerful Grisha. And everyone in Ketterdam knows about it. Someone is bound to be waiting for us now. An ambush."

"Think you can handle it?"

Cecilia gave him a look, "Come on, Kaz. I think you already know the answer to that."

A smirk overtook his lips. Of course he knew. He had seen it himself. Just what this beautiful flower of his could do. She had petals of poison beneath vibrant colors and thorns as sharp as steel.

"You told me you would come if I ever needed you...and you did."

"I don't make promises I can't keep. If that's your way of thanking me...you're welcome."