I Wonder

Communicate

Syn stared at Nuer, who seemed almost completely unfazed by the three words.

"Okay. What about?"

Syn sat next to Nuer, still holding onto one of his hands.

"About what happened earlier. I couldn't remember anything. My mind went blank."

He didn't want to tell Nuer everything, but he felt like he didn't have a choice. In order to confront what the monk had advised, he needed to face this head on.

"All I could think about was you."

Nuer blinked.

"So...I shouldn't have come?"

Syn immediately shook his head. "That's not what I mean. I was reciting the prayers, but as I got to one that I had been practicing with you, I couldn't remember the words."

Nuer watched his boyfriend closely. Syn looked like he was about to cry, and from the tone of his voice, he was.

"All that I could think about was how much you helped me get go where I am now, and how you were waiting outside happily while I was making the choice to leave you," Syn struggled, keeping his eyes on their intertwined hands, "I tried to remedy it, and tell myself that you would be fine without me, but I just felt so guilty."

He finally looked into Nuer's eyes and tears dropped from his own.

"I was swimming in excuses, and they all were painful," Syn breathed, his voice lowering in both tone and volume.

Nuer reached up and placed a hand on Syn's head, petting down his hair gently. He placed his hand on Syn's cheek, to which Syn immediately leaned into, and wiped away some tears with the pad of his thumb.

"It's okay," Nuer murmured, "Breathe easy, then continue. I'll still be right here.'

Syn lifted his hand up and wiped his cheeks with the back of it, sniffing deeply.

Honesty was a precept he had always followed, supposedly engraved into his heart, but all he felt from it now were all the other emotions that usually seemed dull or dim.

"If I entered, how long would I make you wait?" Syn continued, reaching his hand up to grasp onto Nuer's, "Would I eventually leave? Am I setting myself up to be devoted for a set window?"

Nuer forced a sad smile. He had thoughts similar to these, but he had always pushed them down with the idea he would get to it after Syn had accomplished what he desired, or that he would just do what he always did...just alone.

"Syn, it's okay. I'll—"

"No," Syn interrupted, sounding rather like a complaining child for a moment, "It isn't fair to you for me to do that. But...I started thinking that if I let you go, would you go to someone else?"

Syn's eyes flooded with fresh tears.

"Would you love them the way you love me? The...the way I love you?"

His heart burned hotly and Syn struggled to keep his breathing under control enough so he wouldn't be sobbing.

Nuer shook his head, tears sprouting in his own eyes at Syn's frustration and obvious weight he had been struggling with quietly.

Nuer held Syn's hands tight, forcing back his own emotions and tears to be supportive.

"It isn't fair to you, and I feel so guilty for everything."

"But Syn...it's okay. Your choice is yours, and I will support it whether it's good for me or not."

With those few words, Syn descended into a puddled mess of quiet sobs and lots and lots of tears.