Stardust

belly would never forgive me

Family is family. Whether it's the one you start out with, the one you end up with, or the family you gain along the way. - Modern Family

Stella

The drive to Cousins has always been a complicated moment for me, but this year, for some reason, there's an even bigger sense of dread in the air. My mom says I'm good at reading people, always have been, and she thinks it's a gift. I'm not sure I agree.

Ever since I first saw Laurel yesterday I could tell something was wrong. She isn't her usual self. Maybe it's because of the divorce with my dad. Or nerves because Susannah arranged a signing for her new book. Maybe I'm seeing things, Steven and Belly don't seem to think anything is wrong.

Laurel is sitting next to me in the back seat and staring out the window, lost in thought, while Belly sings along to Kim Petras on the radio and Steven whines at her to stop. He's driving us and of course he's making it a whole thing.

- Ok, can you turn it down a little? - Laurel asks kindly. Steven vocally agrees. Belly sticks her tongue out like a five year old, which makes me laugh, but does what her mom said. - I want you to be better at helping out this summer. Like, don't just leave your dishes in the sink, load them into the dishwasher. And not just your own dishes either, Steven.

- What? But... - My brother tries to protest, but Laurel quickly interrupts him.

- I want you to be good house guests.

In these conversations, I never know if she's including me or not. Laurel isn't my mother, she doesn't try to be, we don't have that kind of relationship and it's ok. She's just married to one of my fathers. Or was.

When your dad gets divorced, does his ex-wife remain your stepmom? I don't think so. But I like Laurel and one way or another she'll be in my life forever, she's Steven and Belly's mother after all. If my mom and dad Billy ever divorce, pigs will fly and the world might end, but he'll still be my father.

To make it easier, I call my fathers dad Billy and dad John. Belly used to think it was hilarious when she was a kid.

- Mom, Susannah has people who clean, doesn't she? - Steven asks, and Laurel flicks the back of his head. - Ouch!

My litttle sister gives me an amused glance through the rearview mirror.

- All right, all right, sorry.

Belly told me Laurel is weird when it comes to money. The fact they don't have that much, but my mom and Susannah do.

Dad Billy is the lead of a rock band better known as Daisy Jones and The Six, but we all just call it The Six. Other than him there's my uncle Graham, aunt Karen, Daisy, Warren and Eddie. The producer, Teddy, is a non-official-but-kind-of-official seventh member. There's also the adjacent crowd, aka Lisa and Kennedy, Warren's and Eddie's wives; Daisy's best friend Simone and her wife Bernie; the sound producer Tobias and the band's dog, a black pitbull called Freddie.

The Six are my family, not just my dad and my uncles. Eddie bought me my first guitar when I was 10 years old and taught me how to play it. Daisy is my godmother. Karen is the Laurel to my mom's Susannah. Warren was the one who talked me into "fucking kill it" when I got stage fright on my first solo performance. It was a lot of pressure, big shoes to step on, but I wouldn't change a thing.

- Just... - Laurel's exasperated sigh snaps me back to the present. - Be considerate and act like I raised you right.

I don't miss the sadness in Belly's face when she hears that.

- Steven, that means don't stay out too late. - She concludes, leaning further on the car seat.

- Mom! - My brother whines. - I'm too old for a curfew.

- Wait, what about me? - Belly asks, and the confusion on Laurel's face matches mine. - I don't get a curfew either, right?

A curfew? But... for what?

- What do you need a curfew for? - Steven laughs. - You don't go anywhere.

- Don't be a jackass, Steven. - Laurel comes to Belly's defense.

- What? - My brother is exasperated. - It's the truth.

It is. I won't say it out loud, but it is.

- Belly, we'll talk about it when something comes up, ok? - It's how Laurel decides to answer.

My sister sighs, not saying anything, before turning to me.

- Do you have a curfew?

I hold back from laughing. With the band touring every other year and my mom running a photography studio, no one in my house has a schedule. The Six travel a lot, they have their own bus and a jet. I've been homeschooled since I was 11 years old, which was when I convinced my parents I was big enough to go with the band on tour, so I don't get up early to go to class or anything like that. I have tutors, online and in person depending on the tour schedule.

Mom takes us on family adventures, as she likes to call them, usually to California beaches. The Six members join us sometimes. Daisy says nothing helps with her creative rut like spending time with her favorite people. Writer's block is the worst. I haven't been able to write anything in months. Fucking months. I had ruts before, it's been years since I wrote a full song, but I've never felt this uninspired.

- Bells, no one in my house has a curfew. - I do my best to not sound braggy, but I love our dynamic. - Dad Billy and Daisy write better at night. The Six is always on tour. My mom has night shoots like every week. We thrive on chaos.

It's an artist thing, according to Eddie.

- Ugh, your life is so cool. - Belly crosses her arms and turns to the front of the car, before jumping to look at me again. - Oh, don't forget you promised you'd take me driving.

How could I forget? Her excitement about it is the cutest thing in the world. It's crazy to me how much Belly has grown. Being the big sister has that feel to it. She's driving already.

- Belly! - Laurel protests. - I told you I'd take you.

The car is silent for a second before Belly silently mumbles.

- Yeah, but you're too judgy.

Steven and I burst into laughter, but Laurel isn't as amused.

- Excuse me? - She's personally offended. - I'm too what now?

Belly just shrugs, saying it's the truth, and Steven nods in agreement. I missed them.

We keep talking about driver's licenses and stuff like that until a few minutes later when the sign of Entering Cousins Beach appears and it happens. It's the same thing every year. Belly starts looking out the window and I see it in her smile that she's thinking about Conrad. The sparkle in her eyes when she realizes it'll only take about fifteen minutes for her to see him. It's like watching an addict who has a fix on the way.

Guilt prickles my skin, but I'm used to it after 3 years. I've felt it every day since the neon party, but when we come here it gets even worse. Regret. Anxiety. Remorse. And the painful awareness that I don't regret anything that happened that night or the little stolen moments ever since.

The night I did something Belly would never forgive me for. The night I lost my virginity to Conrad Fisher.