Someone's In My Head (WATTYS AWARD WINNER 2015)

Chapter Seventeen

It was as if he was rehearsing for a play.

Poised unnaturally in front of the long, oblong mirror, Phil was (illegally) abusing my face to the worst extents imaginable. Exercising almost every muscle in my face, he practised all sorts of facial expressions that he could come up with―ranging from acute remorse to ingratiatingly grovelling puppy-eyes.

Finally, Phil gave up altogether, deciding to just exemplify his natural manly (and slightly misogynistic, I must add) quality, hoping that Tanya would be subservient enough to comply with his decision.

Despite the circumstances, I must comment that the entire ordeal was pretty comical and somewhat incompatible with Phil's age. But again, he had practically travelled 15 years ahead in time, so technically, his mentality is still stuck in his early twenties. Some childishness is after all, a normal act for a twenty-plus-year-old young man, and therefore, forgivable.

When Phil stepped into the kitchen once more, Tanya was busy hauling the pot of hot water off the stove and pouring it down the sink. Trepidation churning in his stomach, Phil shuffled nervously across to the dining table and grabbed the plate of bacon and eggs. He wolfed them down quietly, all the while observing Tanya's expression.

Phil knew she must have noticed his return, but chose to deliberately ignore him. "Oh my," he thought. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."

When he finished the breakfast, Phil stuck the knife in his back pocket, almost absent-mindedly. 'Who knows, it might come in handy later.' He thought.

Silently, I prayed that he wasn't planning on stabbing his wife into submission.

Just when Phil was figuring whether to dawdle any longer, a sudden surge of determination grabbed hold him. "Fuck it." He muttered. Bracing himself, Phil marched over to Tanya's side and cleared his throat. Loudly. Tanya didn't even flinch.

"Yeah?" Her tone was flat, emotionless.

"I've called Lenny." Phil blurted out. "We're leaving in an hour."

To be honest, Phil never thought Tanya would be any more willing to go with him than she was an hour ago. And that's exactly why Phil was completely flabbergasted when Tanya gave him a bright smile and said "Yeah, sure. I'll go grab my jacket."

"It must be the water she drank," Phil muttered feverishly to himself as he squinted his eyes at Tanya, who was dancing out of the driveway. From where he sat in the driver's seat, Tanya looked exactly like a girl who was about to go off on a summer holiday road trip in her daddy's car.

"It must be." He repeated.

As Tanya climbed into the car, she leaned over and gave Phil a peck on the cheek, which almost freaked the wits out of him.

Phil gaped at his wife. "One moment ago she was totally mad at me, and now she's blowing me kisses." He thought. "I must really recheck the 'Side Effects of FallopFix' article. Last time I checked, 'Acute Bipolar Behaviour' certainly wasn't stated on any part of the paper whatsoever."

Fortunately, throughout the journey to the high school, Ms Mercurial (Tanya) didn't show any more signs of over-affection. Occasionally, there were affectionate stares, but no more than that. Which was probably the reason why we managed to arrive at our destination in one piece, and not ending up in a ditch somewhere else. Thank Jesus.

The hour flew past quickly. Soon, the large welcoming sign of 'Nicholster High School' was within eyeshot. Phil slowed the car down, partly because he had an uncertain sensation tugging at his gut.