Someone's In My Head (WATTYS AWARD WINNER 2015)

Chapter Twenty-Two (Pt. 1)

Have you ever had a time when you wanted so much to punch a person in the face but, for circumstantial reasons, you just can't? Like in a movie, when Random Guy A gets really mad and charges at Random Guy B, but is then held back by Even More Random Guys C, D and E. Yup. That's exactly how I'm feeling right now.

Okay, lemme pedal back a little and brief you on the current situation. So, thanks to Lenny, I woke up and found myself reinstated as the rightful 'Governor and Controller of Jarod Wickernham's Body'. Perfect.

And then I remembered that Phil was still inside my head, with me. What I also remembered was―unfortunately, I would say―his barefaced hijacking of my body and all the shitty stuff he'd done with it.

Naturally, Phil's first reaction when he realized that my consciousness wasn't quite as what Lenny (the fake one) had described―purged and gone from my body―was to give a good show of being astonished and shell-shocked at the same time.

Oh, and yeah, he stuttered like a baby for about sixteen seconds. "H...holy―how is this p...possible? I thought―"

And it was right at this moment when I had the irrepressible urge to Bruce-Lee-punch Phil in the face.

Lucky for Phil, I wasn't quite capable of controlling my body and mentally-punching him at the same time, so I had to settle for a relatively lame scowl. "Enjoyed your stay, dickhead?"

The guy was reasonably flustered (yeah, he should be). "Fuck. I'm so sorry, buddy." He gushed. "I never would've done...whatever I've done if I knew you were still in here, I swear to God―"

"Swear all you like, buddy, but have it done before lunch," I muttered, too lazy to have a lecturing session with Phil. Plus, I couldn't really focus on reality with Phil being all gushy inside my head.

But that doesn't mean I was gonna be on friendly terms with Phil anytime soon. There was no way that ninny could just walk away scot-free for his naïveté.

I was about to give Phil another wiseass remark when I recalled something. "And hey, Phil? I brought you your gay buddy. Say hi to him, will ya?"

Lenny chose that moment to make a not-very-dramatic-but-very-abrupt appearance. "Hi, Phil. It's been a while."

Over the next few moments, I sat down to Episode Two of the 'Speechless and Flabbergasted Phil' reality TV show. I must say that it was way better than the previous episode. It started with an unbelieving Phil barking around like a bewildered puppy.

Phil: L...Lenny? Is that you?

Lenny: (rolling his eyes deliberately) Yeah, it's me.

Phil: (shaking his head in disbelief) H...how is this even happening? How did you come in here?

Lenny: (sighing) I guess the most important question is why―why did I come in here?

Lenny then went on to give Phil an abridged reiteration of what he told me earlier in Mumbo Jumbo Land. I tried my best to ignore them as I focused on the imminent task at hand―alleviating my searing headache. As I rubbed my thumbs around my temples, I groaned in relief as the throbbing aftershocks of the migraine began to subside.

As the excruciating pain faded away, my hearing began to clear. The first thing that I heard was Tanya's voice. Judging by her tone, the lady close to freaking out. "Phil? Are you okay? Oh dear, what happened?"

Although the pain was down to forty percent, I still couldn't quite speak yet. The only thing I could do was to flap my arms weakly like a duck trying to fly.

Tanya cupped her hands around my face, a pained look on her face. "Dear, you were gone for one whole minute! Do you want me to call the ambulance?"