Sidemen Imagines

Zerkaa #1 - What if...

Your P.O.V.

You were sat on the brown leather sofa in the living room of the Sidemen house, with your feet on the ground and your elbows resting on your knees. You had your hands covering your mouth, muffling the sounds of your sobs. The only two people in at the moment were you and Josh, and you didn't want him to see you like this. Not only because you knew he would be worried, because he knew you were struggling emotionally, but also because it was embarrassing. You were such a burden on him, and the rest of the Sidemen. You parents always told you that you were a burden on everyone, and they were right. It'd be better off for the world if you were dead. Thinking about this made you hurt even more, your eyes were stinging from you frantically rubbing away the tears that would never cease to pour. You knew you couldn't stay in here, what if Josh found you.

     Then you heard Josh's bedroom door open and close, followed by footsteps descending the stairs; typical. Please go to the kitchen, you thought, please just go to the kitchen. As he was about to turn to the kitchen, he noticed you sitting there with your head in your hands. 
     "Y/N? You okay, love?"
     Oh god, that name. It warmed your heart every time you heard it. You managed to croak out a "yes" before rubbing your face. "Just tired."
     "Really? Because you sound like you've been crying." He said matter of factly as he sat next to you on the sofa. You masked a sigh by passing it off as a yawn, but this didn't deter him. He put his arm around you and pulled you closer to him. This boy will be the death of me, you thought. 
     "Y/N, please tell me what's up. You know you can always talk to me. I know it's difficult but I promise to help in anyway I can." 
     Knowing that he wouldn't give up, you took your face out of your hands and looked at him. You must have looked so awful; red face, blood-shot eyes, tear stained cheeks. His eyebrows raised in sadness when he saw you, and his grip on your arm tightened.
     "It's okay Josh, don't worry about it. Just having a moment, that's all." You smiled and got up, but before you could leave Josh pulled you down onto his lap. 
     "I am going to worry. You can't expect me to not to when I find you sitting here alone, crying your eyes out!" He raised his voice near the end.
     "I'm sorry." You whispered.
     Lifting you from his lap, he manoeuvred so he was laying on the sofa with his back against the rest. He had one leg resting across the sofa, and the other one with his foot resting on the floor. His arms were spread wide, waiting to embrace you.
     "Come 'ere, love."
     You didn't think twice before laying with him. You put your body in between his legs, and rested your head against his chest. He lifted his leg, positioning it so he had a grip on your body with his legs, whilst his left arm rested on your side and his right hand played with your hair. He knew exactly what to do to make you feel better. He really was perfect. You were so lucky to have him, and the guys. So lucky to have people who actually cared about you. But obviously that wasn't good enough for you, obviously you don't appreciate them!
     You were desperate to hold back the tears, but you couldn't help the quiet, desperate whine that came from your lips. 
     "Please talk to me (Y/N). It hurts so much to see you like this. Let it out."
     Taking a deep breath, you began to tell him everything. You hadn't planned on it, but it all just came out. You talked about your family life and your parents. You talked about the struggles and pressures of school. You talked about how no one would believe you when you said you had depression, how they accused you of just feeling sorry for yourself, and how you believed them. You talked about how you've always wanted to have a relationship, or at least be kissed by the time you were this age, but it never came true. When it came to you talking about suicide, you could feel Josh's heart beat quicken, but he didn't interrupt. Your started to stutter and have difficulty breathing near the end of your little speech, which must have lasted around twenty minutes with you talking non stop. 
     "I-I know I have you, and the others, a-and I love you all, so, s-so much, but....but I- I just feel so fucking lonely!" At that you broke down into a fit of sobs. You hugged yourself into Josh's chest. His grip around you tightened and he started rocking back and forth which caused you to eventually fall into a much needed sleep.