Lorien Loves Stohn

Bloody Hands

No. I grunt as my fist makes contact with the wall. You aren't allowed to think this way. I thrust my arms forward, hands balled in a fist. This isn't about form or reaction time, this is about punishing myself.

That stupid blond haired blue eyed dumbo just wandered into my life and messed everything up. I guess wandered is the wrong word though. Technically, we've known each other since we were really young. Whatever. We were just friends then.

Not that we're anything but friends now. Now... I don't know what John is.

I send my fist flying into a nearby punching bag with a stupid amount of force and wind up cracking every bone in my hand. I wince in pain, but quickly send more punches towards the bag. I'm not allowed to think this way. Not about John. My eyes gloss over as tears of pain set in. I ignore them and press forward with my routine. If I can hurt myself bad enough, maybe my mind will forget whatever I'm thinking about John.

I keep up this act a couple more minutes before deciding I've had enough. I walk over to the mostly-broken Lectern and push a button I know works. A weight swings loose from the ceiling and soars across the room. I walk towards it, brace myself and put my head directly in the line of fire.

The world goes white, then red, then black. Finally.

***

I come to to find John's face about a foot away from mine. My breath catches in my throat at the sight. Dammit it didn't work.

"NINE! What the hell happened? I wake up late, to realize you weren't anywhere to be found. So I figure you went out or something and I come in here to work out and what do I see? You, in a pile of freaking blood gushing from your head! What. The. Hell?" John leans away and sits back. "You had me really worried."

I try to reply but all I manage is a small gurgle.

"I used the healing stone." John explains. "Thank God you were unconscious for that. Would've hurt like hell."

I try to get up but get hit by a wave of nausea and decide to stay down.

"I don't get it, man. Why would you do that? We're going to have a chat as soon as you can get downstairs." John stands up and heads out the door. "I just don't get it..." He trails off, throwing his hands up.

Shit. Now I need to explain myself to John. Double shit. How am I supposed to say anything without giving myself away? Triple shit.

After a couple minutes, I groan and manage to stand myself up. Before heading downstairs to the kitchen where John is waiting, I scamper off to the bathroom to inspect the damage. In the mirror, I can see the shadow of a bruise left on the front right of my forehead from where the weight hit. My hands are only mostly healed, scabs covering each of my knuckles where layer upon layer of skin had been eroded off.

Bernie Kosar trots into my bathroom, in his beagle form. "Hey BK." I sigh. "I guess I really fucked up, eh?"

BK rolls his eyes. I may not know exactly what you're thinking, but what you did... something is  clearly bothering you. Talking to John will help.

I can't. I think, aiming the thought at him. Thank Lore for animal telepathy. Otherwise I'd be stuck alone with only John. I can't talk to John.

And why is that?

I- I just can't.

Nine, there is always a reason and I know that you know exactly what this reason is. Just explain to me. I won't tell John.

I can't explain. I turn my eyes to the mirror, taking in the coward standing before me.

You can explain. It's a matter of wanting to.

"Well maybe I can't explain it because I myself don't understand!" I bark at Bernie Kosar furiously. "WHY DOES EVERYONE EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND?!"

"Everything okay?" John calls up after a few tensely silent moments.

"We're fine." I say through clenched teeth, just loud enough so that John will hear. "Having a discussion with BK so if you could kindly piss off that'd be great."

Nine. Bernie Kosar thinks sternly. Tell me what is wrong. We can't have members of the Garde just get up at 2 AM to hurt themselves. You either talk to me or John.

"I'll talk when I'm ready. Get off my case." I mutter before storming out of the bathroom. At least John acts like a mom and will be all gentle and stuff.

I trudge down the stairs to find John sitting at the bar in the kitchen. He's drinking some smoothie and has an extra on the counter next to him. He turns as I reach the bottom step. "So, Nine." He says, gesturing to the open bar stool.

"Yes Mom?" Sometimes snide remarks are the only things I can manage to say in an uncomfortable situation.

"Nine, what's wrong? It's not like you to just hurt yourself like that."

"What do you know about me? I don't know much about you so why would you know what my behaviors are and all the shit I go through?" I lean close to him so my face is close to his. To John, it looks like I'm coming at him as an intimidating authority. But only I know that I'm studying his deep beautiful blue eyes, his faded freckles on his nose, and the pepperminty smell of his breath. I savor every moment. "You know nothing about me." I whip away and turn to go back upstairs.

Before I know what's happening, John grabs my shoulder and spins me around. "Why would you say something like that?" Dammit. He looks upset. His blond eyebrows pressed down. I should feel bad, but DAMN he's cute when he's upset.

"I say what I want to. My house my rules, Johnny boy."

"Nine. We're bonded. We share the same scars on our ankles. We come from the same planet, goddammit. Grow up and accept that others care for you now!" John raises his voice with hurt turning to fear.

Usually, at this point, I'd have something witty and clever to say. But I can only focus on the perfect outline of John's lips and the way his eyes look when a thin layer of water coats them. Like little tiny blue planets. "I-" I can't think of anything to say.

John sighs and collapses back into his seat. "My best friend was captured. My girlfriend seems to have betrayed me. And now one of the only people in the universe who understands me goes off hurting himself in the middle of the night. Sorry if I came off as angry, but I'm just really concerned. I want to help you." He looks into my eyes. "Let me help you."

I stare into John's eyes. All I want to do right now is to take his face in my hands and kiss him. That's all I want. My eyes well up in tears.

"Nine?" John asks, worried. My alpha male charade is dissolving quickly. I know I can't stop it at this point. "Nine?" John repeats.

"Punch me."

"What?"

"Punch me. Hard."

"No, don't be ridiculous!"

"Goddammit just make me hate you!" With that, I run to the elevator. It's already on our level so I rush in and press the doors closed button. I pound on the ground floor switch and then the elevator is whirring downward before John can process what I said.